[chookie]

I have been in this relationship for two years, and throughout the whole relationship there have been hints of emotional abuse, however it has become worse in the last six months.

Some examples of what has been happening include calling me 3-4 times a day and when I don't answer, he gets upset and sulky with me, giving me the silent treatment when I go out with friends which I don't do that often (especially not anymore because how he behaves hurts me so much), not liking me wearing makeup to work or when I am out without him, not liking me wearing jewelry that I have recieved from people other than him, putting down what I do for work and study (calling me 'bludger' etc), puts down clothes that I buy myself without him (that dress makes you look fat), took responsibility for buying my car even though I expressed I didn't want the one he had picked (now stuck with a car I don't like), tells me he doesn't like my friends, openly puts down my family...it goes on.

He also speaks rudely to his mother, and doesn't understand why I have a problem with this. I just wonder if that could be me in the future if I were to stay...

After a few attempts over the last couple of months, I left him the other night and we are on a break. However, he has told me I'm making all of these problems up in my head and that I'm too sensitive, until today when he said he has realised what he's done and wants to try again...but I don't know if I believe him.
I still love him which is what makes this so hard I think.

Please give your honest opinion...do you think these are forms of emotional abuse?

[Stillness]

I just wonder if that could be me in the future if I were to stay.

Probably a lifetime of mistreatment. It got worse in the past 6 months and it most likely will again. I don't know you, but I'm proud of people who have the strength to leave someone they're attached to when they treat them badly. Good for you.

Some people will say that men don't change. I don't believe that. The fact that he's finally acknowledged what he's been doing is a sign that he might be willing. You don't owe him anything, but if you do give him a second chance be careful that he's not putting on a show just to get you roped in. The controlling, abusive type is good at manipulation.

[Claret]

This is how it starts

and soon, he'll be dictating how much you eat, drink, when you get your hair done (and ask why all the time). He'll isolate you from your friends and family, control your money, where you go, who you seen and when.
THEN, when he can't control you any more by playing the mind games, he'll start controlling you physically. The first time he hurts you he'll apologize - a lot - swear up and down that "I don't know what got into me", "It'll never happen again", AND then it escalates to: "It's your fault, if you hadn't have been wearing that dress", "If you didn't provoke me", "If you would only do what I say this wouldn't happen."
Sound familiar? This will become your future unless and until he gets counselling. If it were me (and at one time it was) I'd get out NOW.

[rcoreyus]

I ask this question a lot here, but why are you still with him? You don't need a quantifiable reason to leave a relationship. If you are not happy (and it sounds like you are not), then leave. You don't need to explain it, it doesn't matter at all whose "fault" it is, you can just tell him that you are unhappy and are leave.

Don't tell him that you will leave unless he does XYZ, that will lead to more recriminations and negotiating. Tell him that you ARE leaving.

In this case he sounds like a controlling person who could easily become a serious abuser. Get out.

[Pollon]

I agree with the others. This is controlling behavior that is likely to get worse if he doesn't take drastic measures. His claims of ending it are likely to be empty. That fact that he is disrespectful to his mother is consistent with his disrespect toward you, your friends and probably everyone else.

He is an emotionally weak and cowardly man who lives in fear that you will find someone better then him. That is why he tries to drive a wedge between you and your friends, wants you to refrain from looking good when you are not with him and tries to keep you at home so you won't meet others.

As rcoreyus said, you don't have to have a "good" reason to end the relationship. If it isn't working for you, you are entitled to end it.

I suggest you do. If you want to give him any chance at all, I would still suggest that you move out and end the relationship. However, you could tell him that you will not date anyone for six months and will meet him at that time. And if he can show you proof of his treatment (receipts and a letter from his therapist), you will CONSIDER beginning the dating process over again.

Good luck

[chookie]

Thank you for your opinions. I think these are things that I know, but have been continuously denying because I have wanted to make the relationship work. It's great to get advice from people outside the situation.
In the past few days that we've been on our break, I have felt both sad, yet free at the same time. I think I will end it, but I know he is going to make it hard...bit of a road ahead of me I think. Thanks for your advice

[Pollon]

Depending how desperately afraid he is of being alone, he could make all kinds of flailing attempts to keep you.

They could range from pleading to threats (to you and himself) and back again. Keep in mind that these are all attempts to deal with HIS fears and anxieties and have little to do with meeting your legitimate NEEDS. He needs help soothing himself rather then relying on others/you. Push him to get help from someone else. Don't you take responsibility for him.

Good luck and hold your ground.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

This is true Pollon. A controlling person also has one hell of an EGO, they do not like to lose.

If he treats his Mother badly, then he has no respect for Women. In-fact in my opinion, I am betting he hates women.

The controlling part comes from purely and simply having his prize in total.. that way he may not hate you.. But, in doing so, he is stripping you of your individuality, not allowing personal growth, belittling you so that you become sub-missive.. His, totally.

Dangerous.

Stand your ground.. It's time to be free, fly like a butterfly and don't look back

[chookie]

So I came home today to find roses and a teddy on the table from him which had been delivered. It made me feel so guilty but I realise they do not make up for anything.

He also continues to message a couple of my friends. He is also messaging my younger sister who is only 19 and is being manipulated by him when he tells her that he misses her and my family and how upset and confused he is. Everyday he asks at least one of them how I am, and is even asking them to support and comfort him. One of my friends has told him to stop calling her, but the other friend feels bad if she neglects him. Its making it very difficult for my family and friends, and I don't want him putting them in between our problems. I told him this and he got hurt by it...making me feel guilty...again.

I think he is trying to possibly manipulate my friends and family a bit, however sometimes I think I am now always on the lookout for it, making me paranoid.

[chookie]

You're right Chandlers Wish, he definitely hates to lose...I have never known anyone to hate it as much as he does and he cannot accept his losses, even in social sports and board games. And his ego is quite inflated, he likes to comment how good he is a fair bit (much to my dad's dislike as he is so modest). And yes, he has called me his 'trophy' in the past which I spoke to him about but told me he was just joking however I think he would like to believe that he owns me.

Thinking of all of these things is starting to make me so angry at myself and sick in the stomach that I have put up with it all for so long.

Looking forward to change.