[pluck77]

A guy I have known my entire life, 38 years, told me something the other day. He is a great guy, very nice and sweet, yet he is single. He is one of the guys, since I am single, that I feel comfortable sharing everything with and he does the same. He is not someone I would date because we are already much too comfortable being friends and he is a lot more confident with himself and who he is than I am with myself.

Anyways, I know I have told you all about my insecurities. I don't like my body, feel overweight and bloated often, am embarrassed looking in the mirror and feel unattractive. This guy is completely the opposite.

He is such an outgoing guy where he is always meeting new people and tries to include everyone. He mentioned to me that his wish or dream is to find friends, both male and female, that he can be both emotionally and physically naked around and they have no problem reciprocating. This guy is SO comfortable with who he is and in his own shoes that all he wants to do with others is bond and create unbreakable connections with others.

The problem he comes up with is that hardly anyone, male or female, who are happy with who they are and love themselves. I have so many insecurities and new ones keep being added everyday. This guy is completely opposite.

How can I get to this level of self-worth and self-confidence?

[pluck77]

My guy friend is also a strong Christian and loves sharing his faith with others. He once told me that his goal in life is to learn to love himself the way that God loves him and to surround himself with relationships and friendships that help him learn to love himself the way that God loves him.

[Pollon]

The Christian message is that NOONE can ever be perfect in God's eyes. Nonetheless, God loves you so much, he sent his son to pay for your sins. Whether or not you believe the message, it is a powerful message about being completely loveable inspite of your failings.

I would suggest that your friend has absorbed the message that he is loveable in spite of his failings. Therefore, he is willing to be very open and transparent with others. It is a very attractive quality and it is part of what you are interpreting as self-worth and self-confidence. If he has been a Christian from an early age and grew up in a healthy church & family, he has taken it for granted that he could be transparent and not get hurt. So he has had years of practice.

You, on the other hand, have probably been hurt enough to want to protect yourself. You have absorbed the message that you are flawed and because of those flaws are unloveable. Therefore, you probably keep your "defects" shamefully hidden from others. To escape this lonely trap, you have to be willing to take some risks.

That means you have to practice being open about your flaws with others and then carefully observe how people react. Do they pull away or draw closer? Do they become more open with you or shut down? The trick to this is finding a safe group of people to do it with. If you chose carefully, you will find that most people will not reject you but draw closer. You will discover that you are loveable in spite of your "defects."

Of course your friend would probably be a great place to start. Try sharing some of your insecurities with him and see how he responds. If that's too much of a risk, see if he can recommend a group. Whoever you choose to open up to, it will be a scary risk at first. But as you get used to it, it will get easier, you will feel a sense of acceptance and you will find it very freeing. And your self-love and self-confidence will grow.

Good luck

[pluck77]

Thanks for the advice Pollon. I am also a Christian, however my faith is not nearly as deep as my male friend's. I can learn a lot from him and I really appreciate your advice. I trust him enough to open up and share my innermost feelings and doubts. So I will start sharing and opening up to him and then try and find a group of other Christian women that I can feel comfortable being open, honest and vulnerable to.

Then, hopefully, the more comfortable I become in my own shoes, I can feel equally comfortable in opening up to anyone, male or female.

[Pollon]

After reading your other posts and learning more about your friend, I will modify my response somewhat.

Building intimacy is not about being competely open as soon as possible. It is about building trust little by little, step by step. Spilling the details of your life all over someone with whom you have not built any trust is foolish and disrespectful.

Your friend lays too much on the table too fast. To draw a parallel, imagine how a girl would feel if your friend showed up on the second date with a diamond ring. That would be too much, too fast. Most healthy women would be a pretty freaked out by that. Sharing something as intimate as your sexual history and practices in such a short period is just like the diamond on the second date. It is a big relationship red flag.

Building trust and intimacy is a two way street. You share a little and wait for the other to share a little. If everyone is handling the information appropriately, you share a little more and they share a little more.

There are some places (support groups, AA, etc.) where you can move things along much faster, but in personal relationships some caution is healthy.

[pluck77]

Pollon,

I grew up in a large family with 7 brothers and I am the only sister. Because of that I have several different male friends that I am really close to. It was kind of what I grew up knowing, because my siblings are guys and their friends are mainly guys. So each post that I have made about a male friend relates to different people. I grew up in a relatively mid-size town, where people tend to stay for generations. Therefore all of my brothers' friends and I have become really close over the years and I consider many of them "family" which is why I am really close to them but would feel VERY uncomfortable dating any of them.

It also helps because all of them protect me like a "sister", so the man that I end up marrying will have to pass the test of my father, brothers and the rest of my "brothers." Growing up with a bunch of males has helped me learn to appreciate the differences between males and females, but it has also been somewhat confusing. I really never have had many close female friends. I have a few, but none that I feel comfortable being emotionally and physically naked around. Guys, on the other hand, I have a bit more ease at developing deeper relationships with, because of my family dynamics. There are only a few of my brothers' friends that I feel comfortable enough to be physically naked around, but that is because we grew up on the same street and know each other like family.

I am still very self-conscious, nervous, feel inadequate, etc., when I am physically naked around those few guy friends, but those are the people that I grew up hanging out with all of the time. It doesn't happen often, thank goodness.

Now being emotionally naked is a whole other story. Because I grew up mainly around males and the majority of my close friends are males, I can't come close to feeling comfortable opening up to them about my feelings or emotions. If I tell them that I am very self-conscious about my boobs, because they look oddly shaped, I don't know how they could relate to me. If I tell them that I feel bloated and fat or have issues with my weight when my clothes get too tight or how I spend hours picking out what I wear when I leave the house, how could they relate to that? I can't really ask them if I am losing my figure, because they don't see what I see. They see a young woman, while I see an aging woman. I feel like my boobs are starting to sag, my *** is starting to lose it's curve and my stomach feels like it is expanding faster than a speeding train.

None of my male friends will understand why I am always at the mall buying new clothes. They won't understand my underlying emotions and feelings that I am trying to look younger on the outside, because I feel older, insecure, negative and inadequate on the inside.

[jns]

A lot of guys are what you see is what you get. There is no hidden agenda. That is probably one of the reasons you feel comfortable about opening up to them. They will analyze the situation and give you an honest response, even if it could be rough some of the time.

Asking a guy to understand your emotional view of the world is another thing altogether. Guys are generally not very in touch with their emotional side, and in a family with so many brothers, it is likely that any emotional vulnerability is beaten down right away. Do you have an aunt who is discrete enough to keep your secrets and is someone you can bounce ideas off of?

[pluck77]

That is a great idea, jns. I have an aunt who lives about an hour away who is divorced and her 2 sons are married and live in other states. She and I talk periodically, but I never thought of asking her to be my ally. She has been married and divorced twice and has many life experiences that I could learn from. I feel comfortable opening up to her and feel that she would love to see me more and is someone I can confide my innermost thoughts, emotions and feelings to.