[rylege]

She may feel that you are intruding upon her space and she wants you gone.
For example, I've now been married almost 30 years, have been with my second husband (dating and living together) for 35 years. My Ex can still make me feel sick to my stomach and if I were to see him I might, just might throw up. That is in response to all the lying, cheating, gambling, mental and physical abuse I suffered and my children suffered while we were married. He brought out the worst in me and it was necessary at the time for me to act a certain way at that time in order to save myself and my children.
And yet, I've happily moved on and have had the time and space in between over the years to analyze my thoughts and feelings and I still would feel visibly emotionally distraught if I were to see him at any time.

Thanks for the response. That is a possibility. I never did anything nearly as bad as your Ex, all I did was get cold feet. I treated her like a queen.

So is it possible that she does still care for me and even love me, but is too fearful of my unreliability and squeamishness towards commitment as exhibited in my behavior that destroyed our relationship, and to see me just opens that wound up?

It hurts me to see her too because all I can think about is the possibilities and future I wrecked.

[Claret]

I think the answer to your question is NO; there probably is not a possibility that she wants to see you remotely connected to her. Do yourself a favour, quit fantasizing over what could have been, it isn't there. You should only live in today using lessons learned from your past. The next girlfriend could benefit from this experience and you may learn that you can't take people for granted and you can't expect people to live just for you and you can't expect people to wait until you are ready. It just isn't fair for all that to be centered around you.

[rylege]

I think the answer to your question is NO; there probably is not a possibility that she wants to see you remotely connected to her. Do yourself a favour, quit fantasizing over what could have been, it isn't there. You should only live in today using lessons learned from your past. The next girlfriend could benefit from this experience and you may learn that you can't take people for granted and you can't expect people to live just for you and you can't expect people to wait until you are ready. It just isn't fair for all that to be centered around you.

I was not suggesting that she would want to get back together. In fact I doubt she would. I was only suggesting, as every other woman I've asked, and I've asked quite a few, that she does feel something for me, and that she has chosen to not act upon it. If not, she would act indifferent and carry on normally like any other person walking down the road.


However, assuming you are correct, than my suspicions about love will have been confirmed. In which case, I am opting to not participate anymore. If that's all it takes to make love fizzle, then either it was never really there, or it is fleeting and a waste of my time.

It's a shame life has to be that way, but time to quit kidding myself. This game is not for me.

[Pollon]

I'm going to be extra harsh to make a point. You're probably not as bad a guy as I am going to make it sound, but you need to hear how it sounds from her perspective.

It's nice that YOU took the blame for everything and apologized but that's not enough. It's admirable that YOU spilled YOUR guts, explained why YOU did what YOU did and humiliated YOURSELF in front of the world but that isn't enough either. YOU think YOU have done the right things and YOU deserve another chance. And YOU have changed YOUR view of romantic love as a result of being rejected by her.

Everything you have described has been about YOU. And remember, YOU left her because of what YOU needed. As far as she's concerned, what she has learned in this entire episode is that YOU are all about YOU.

The pain your abandonment caused has led her to wall off and not make herself available again. That is why she won't take a chance with you and why she took up with a man who wasn't available.

Victims of crime, abuse, infidelity, betrayal, etc. often need to be understood in order to heal. They want to know that the person who hurt them genuinely understands what it was like to be on the receiving end of the offender's treatment. And, by extension, want the offender to understand how that treatment affected/changed them.

All YOUR pleading, apologizing and explaining might make YOU feel absolved of your crime, but it does nothing to address how your treatment affected her. She is now a different person. She is now more guarded. She has hardened her heart. She needs you to "get" how what you did to her CHANGED her. Otherwise you could do it again.

So my suggestion would be to spend some time imagining what that year was like for her. What it was like to pour her heart out in letters that got no response. What she was imagining you were doing while she heard nothing. What it was like to have her whole future planned out and then have it snatched away. All the emotions she endured: abandonment, rage, fear, jealousy, sadness, doubt, self-doubt, etc. etc.

Then, when you think you can genuinely understand why she wouldn't want to take another chance with you, when you can understand why she wouldn't ever want to put her heart at risk again, put it all down in writing. And send it to her.

You may or may not hear back from her, but if you do a good job of it, your "understanding" will help her to heal and that would be an act that isn't about YOU.

Good luck

[Pollon]

In your meditations on what she went through during your "break" keep in mind that she is putting you through much of the same experience. And your conclusions about "romantic love" are probably similar to hers.

[rylege]

I'm going to be extra harsh to make a point. You're probably not as bad a guy as I am going to make it sound, but you need to hear how it sounds from her perspective.

It's nice that YOU took the blame for everything and apologized but that's not enough. It's admirable that YOU spilled YOUR guts, explained why YOU did what YOU did and humiliated YOURSELF in front of the world but that isn't enough either. YOU think YOU have done the right things and YOU deserve another chance. And YOU have changed YOUR view of romantic love as a result of being rejected by her.

Everything you have described has been about YOU. And remember, YOU left her because of what YOU needed. As far as she's concerned, what she has learned in this entire episode is that YOU are all about YOU.

The pain your abandonment caused has led her to wall off and not make herself available again. That is why she won't take a chance with you and why she took up with a man who wasn't available.

Victims of crime, abuse, infidelity, betrayal, etc. often need to be understood in order to heal. They want to know that the person who hurt them genuinely understands what it was like to be on the receiving end of the offender's treatment. And, by extension, want the offender to understand how that treatment affected/changed them.

All YOUR pleading, apologizing and explaining might make YOU feel absolved of your crime, but it does nothing to address how your treatment affected her. She is now a different person. She is now more guarded. She has hardened her heart. She needs you to "get" how what you did to her CHANGED her. Otherwise you could do it again.

So my suggestion would be to spend some time imagining what that year was like for her. What it was like to pour her heart out in letters that got no response. What she was imagining you were doing while she heard nothing. What it was like to have her whole future planned out and then have it snatched away. All the emotions she endured: abandonment, rage, fear, jealousy, sadness, doubt, self-doubt, etc. etc.

Then, when you think you can genuinely understand why she wouldn't want to take another chance with you, when you can understand why she wouldn't ever want to put her heart at risk again, put it all down in writing. And send it to her.

You may or may not hear back from her, but if you do a good job of it, your "understanding" will help her to heal and that would be an act that isn't about YOU.

Good luck

Your concern for being too harsh are unfounded. Nobody has been more harsh on me these last three years than me! I came to your same conclusions a while back and did write her a letter similar to the effect you were suggesting.

I understand what I put her through, and Karma has seen fit to visit the same upon me three fold it feels.

I have also come to the conclusion that after my actions, I have no business playing in this game. I'm risky and cowardly as her denial to give me a second chance has all but confirmed.

Thanks for your reply. It was very well put and a reminder of the destruction I caused due to my own selfishness.

[LouBird]

"I have also come to the conclusion that after my actions, I have no business playing in this game."

You might need to step away from "the game" for awhile. There is no shame in that. Emotional recovery and healing take time. Use the space to know yourself better so that you can approach a future relationship with a stronger and healthier sense of who you are. You've already taken steps in that direction. Write the next chapter without her name on every page.

[Pollon]

Not to be picky, but "understanding what I put her through" is not quite the same is understanding what she EXPERIENCED.

The first would say something like, "I did this and caused that and made you want to ________."

The later would say something like, "If I had been in your shoes, I would have thought this, felt that and now when you see me you probably think this and feel that and want to ____________."

Again, she may not come back, but if you get it right, she might be able to let go of all the negativity she has toward you. And that will be good for her.

[Stillness]

She realized that I was not what she wanted? Are saying that running away for a year, with cold feet revealed something to her that she did not want? Like I am a coward?

I don't think you're a coward. Far from it. I think you were brave and humble to come back and keep pouring your heart out and humiliating yourself.

What I'm saying is that the girl who you left is not the same as the one you went after. She came out on the other side of the heartache, rejection, and self-destructive relationship with a married man a changed woman. It's likely that that woman no longer found you desirable.

It happens. Even longstanding relationship that's not tended to can unravel. Have you ever hear people say, "We loved each other, but we grew apart"? It's only the "disney" type of romance that always has happy endings. Much of art and literature is dedicated to heartbreak and rejection. You ignored it. You thought that you could do whatever you wanted to and your little lady would be waiting for you to get yourself together. The world does not revolve around you and your wants, though. People don't normally wait forever, no matter how much they love you. You're not the first to make that mistake. You won't be the last. It hurts, but I'd say it's almost a rite of passage into manhood.

Get the anger out of your system however you need to do it and keep it moving. Try not to be too bitter or do anything to hurt yourself or anyone else. And welcome.