[rylege]

You just hit the nail on the head there...you did mean something to her, but not anymore.

It's sad. It's amazing how unjust the world is. There are so many women out there that get physically abused and cheated on and give the man a second chance. Happens everyday!

I did none of those things and I cannot even get her to sit down and have a ten minute coffee with me! She won't even look at me, acknowledge my existence, and avoids anywhere I go. You'd think I beat her something. Ridiculous!

[lissy73]

Just try and look at her perspective on things. One day she was gloriously happy with ther man of her dreams, the next her hopes and dreams had been cruelly crushed. Sure she did try her best to win you back but in her mind it didn't work. You can only chase someone for so long. Now that she seems to have moved on from you, you all of a sudden re-appear with the hopes of winning her back? Heartbreak can do many things to people, and with time that heartbreak begins to heal and you eventually move on. Maybe she thinks getting back with you had caused her so much pain and anguish in the past and that she has discovered that she if finally happy again, without you.

[rylege]

Just try and look at her perspective on things. One day she was gloriously happy with ther man of her dreams, the next her hopes and dreams had been cruelly crushed. Sure she did try her best to win you back but in her mind it didn't work. You can only chase someone for so long. Now that she seems to have moved on from you, you all of a sudden re-appear with the hopes of winning her back? Heartbreak can do many things to people, and with time that heartbreak begins to heal and you eventually move on. Maybe she thinks getting back with you had caused her so much pain and anguish in the past and that she has discovered that she if finally happy again, without you.

I have looked at that way and I understand.

On the other hand, you'd think she would admire and realize that when a man comes back as I did, took all the blame, a completely changed man, the man she wanted, and crucified myself in front of the entire business campus community for her, that this is a rare event? I mean most men are too prideful and macho to do what I did.

So I learned some very bitter lessons from this!

-Romantic Love is a an easily transferable commodity and is not special!

-Romantic Love causes problems and does not solve any.

-I and every other standup guy who does the right thing, does not win.

-Finally, Love is fleeting and overrated.


So what's the point?

[jns]

You have learned the wrong lessons.

If romantic love was so easily transferable, why are you acting this way? Why not just move on?

Romantic love is often thought of as the glue that binds people together long enough for a longer lasting love to form.

Winning is not the point, always doing the right thing is. Your breaking up with her to find yourself is not the action of a stand up guy.

Love is enduring, but so are dislike, revulsion and hate.

[Stillness]

Dude, those are all the wrong lessons! At least from my experience.

Love didn't cause the problems. It was bad timing. You didn't know what you needed so you left her. She wanted you but the rejection over a long period of time killed it so she moved on.

Real life is not romantic. In romance people split and find each other after decades. In real life actions have permanent consequences. Relationships are not playthings that you can put down and pick whenever you please. They take constant effort to keep alive. Yours with this young lady is dead. You killed it. To keep it completely real with you, it sounds like she grew out of the pain you caused her and realized that you're not what she wants. Move on like she has.

[rylege]

You have learned the wrong lessons.

If romantic love was so easily transferable, why are you acting this way? Why not just move on?

Romantic love is often thought of as the glue that binds people together long enough for a longer lasting love to form.

Winning is not the point, always doing the right thing is. Your breaking up with her to find yourself is not the action of a stand up guy.

Love is enduring, but so are dislike, revulsion and hate.

Running away is not being a stand up guy true!

I was referring to returning and standing toe to toe with her outside in a parking lot for thirty minutes spilling my heart out to her. Her agreeing to have coffee from time to time to talk out things, then subsequently not following through and me stupidly trying for 5 MONTHS to get an audience with her, every time her saying in person that she'll call me and never does. Then finally, telling me by email that she has no time for me ever!

I mean what an absolute clown I made out of myself only because I love her so much!

I think I deserved second chance considering we had something that I thought was rare and special, or at the very least 15 minutes to talk and clear the air and get some closure. That would have at least restored some of my faith in love.

Alas, my own expectations and delusional thinking brought on by listening to all the nonsense the media, friends and people in general seem to spew about love, have been proved wrong.

If she cannot remember how she felt about me and love that supposedly existed, and cannot see that I am a good guy who made a little mistake, and would rather flush it down the toilet as though it never happened, then I am left with little choice then to draw the conclusions about the nature of love that I have thus far presented before.

I have apparently lost my new car smell and she wants a shiny new object. That's love for you!

[rylege]

Dude, those are all the wrong lessons! At least from my experience.

Love didn't cause the problems. It was bad timing. You didn't know what you needed so you left her. She wanted you but the rejection over a long period of time killed it so she moved on.

Real life is not romantic. In romance people split and find each other after decades. In real life actions have permanent consequences. Relationships are not playthings that you can put down and pick whenever you please. They take constant effort to keep alive. Yours with this young lady is dead. You killed it. To keep it completely real with you, it sounds like she grew out of the pain you caused her and realized that you're not what she wants. Move on like she has.

She realized that I was not what she wanted? Are saying that running away for a year, with cold feet revealed something to her that she did not want? Like I am a coward? Because before that, she could not find one thing wrong with me.

See how easy it is to make a mistake and wreck a relationship, and when the chips are down love is nowhere in sight to help the situation?

Prior to this I had assumed love, if real, could and would keep the ties.

I'll move on alright! I have learned my lesson and have buyer's remorse. Playing this game is not worth it as there is no real value. It's an illusion that I ignorantly bought into. Others may see some value in it, whether because they are lonely, or just don't look at this for what it really is and are still trying to live out some fantasy, but not me.

Exit stage right.

[Claret]

Sometimes people stay in relationships out of habit, out of fear of venturing into the unknown alone, fear of not being able to find someone to replace the person they are with, fear of making a new relationship work, feeling inadequate because the current relationship isn't working out, but it's better than nothing, etc. etc. etc. Perhaps you were all these negative things to her during your relationship and that once that tie was broken and she was out on her own she realized she doesn't need you to make her feel all those bad things again. Face it, you left, you broke the cycle, you blew it.

[rylege]

Sometimes people stay in relationships out of habit, out of fear of venturing into the unknown alone, fear of not being able to find someone to replace the person they are with, fear of making a new relationship work, feeling inadequate because the current relationship isn't working out, but it's better than nothing, etc. etc. etc. Perhaps you were all these negative things to her during your relationship and that once that tie was broken and she was out on her own she realized she doesn't need you to make her feel all those bad things again. Face it, you left, you broke the cycle, you blew it.

I agree! I blew it!.

Yet, her actions as I described in the original post are not consistent with someone who has happily moved on no? She would be indifferent, not visibly emotionally distraught whenever she see's me.

You know her friend had told me that she told her, that to see me or hear from me made her emotionally upset. She said that not me.

[Claret]

I agree! I blew it!.

Yet, her actions as I described in the original post are not consistent with someone who has happily moved on no? She would be indifferent, not visibly emotionally distraught whenever she see's me.

You know her friend had told me that she told her, that to see me or hear from me made her emotionally upset. She said that not me.

She may feel that you are intruding upon her space and she wants you gone.
For example, I've now been married almost 30 years, have been with my second husband (dating and living together) for 35 years. My Ex can still make me feel sick to my stomach and if I were to see him I might, just might throw up. That is in response to all the lying, cheating, gambling, mental and physical abuse I suffered and my children suffered while we were married. He brought out the worst in me and it was necessary at the time for me to act a certain way at that time in order to save myself and my children.
And yet, I've happily moved on and have had the time and space in between over the years to analyze my thoughts and feelings and I still would feel visibly emotionally distraught if I were to see him at any time.