[MillieMo]

Where do i start?
I have been with my husband for 16 years, and come July 6th, married for a year. We have two children under the age of 6. Throughout out time before we got married, my husband cheated on me, actually several times. The last being just after out first daughter was born. Each and every time I fought to get him back. I don't know if I was afraid of being on my own, or the fact that I knew no different - we met when we were 17.

The last time we split up for nearly 6 months. But I wanted him back, and he came back. Since then he has tried to be with other women, but not got very far. There was another time, but we didn't split up, but he went out of his way to try and be with her. At that point I was going through a tough time - my Dad had Kidney Cancer and was having an operation, and I'd just had our second daughter. I needed him, but he was more interested in other things. Shortly after this, we went on holiday and talked about stuff - we decided to get married. A year later we got married. Within 4 months, my husband bumped into an old friend, to whom he planned to run away with. To make matters worse, his Mum couldn't deal with our situation, got herself drunk (she is an alcoholic - but wont admit or get help) was looking after our eldest, and I had a phone call from my husband aunt, to say that I should collect our daughter as his mother was drunk, and threatening to overdose and to end her life -in front of our daughter. I ended up going round, and taking her to see the GP - to which in her drunken state, she let slip that my husband about a year before we got married got someone else pregnant - he got her to have an abortion. We argued about this, and he told me that he'd also had several one night stands before we got married. I felt sick to my stomach on hearing that.

My husband is an HGV driver and works away. For the next two days, I was numb and didn't know what to do with my life. My husbands mate posted something on facebook, it was cryptic, so I posted are you OK. To which he sent me a PM and we started chatting. He became the reason I got out of bed. I had my husband sending me horrible texts and we had awful phone conversations, and his mate, was just a breath of fresh air.

Whilst talking to the mate, I found out that he'd fancied me from the first day that he met me, but had never said anything, as at the time he too was married - but his wife picked up on the fact that he fancied me. I was none the wiser.

The problem is now, that when things got really bad, I decided to go out, just for a few hours, and I met up with the mate. We talked and ended up kissing - but that was it. Whilst I know it was so wrong, it did feel so right, comfortable. We have been talking everyday. The mate discovered that his EX-Wife had slept with one of his mates, and he tried to change his views on how he felt about me, and I thought that he wasn't interested in me. He got drunk and the truth came out. The trouble is, I'm in love with the mate, and when my husband hugs me, I wish it were his mate.

I love my husband, and whist I feel awful I don't think that I'm in love with him.

If I try and work things out with my husband, I worry that give it 6 months and he'll be trying it on with someone else. But if I tell him I want a divorce, things aren't working out, that he will harm himself. The last thing I want to do is to hurt my husband, but at the same time I want to be happy.

[KMonte85]

hun, it sounds to me like you need to focus on either fixing or ending your marriage.

Your husband's mate is a symptom of the problem (The problem being your marriage). You were craving some positive male attention and kind words.. and why wouldn't you? Your husband certainly wasn't/isn't treating you as he should be!

However, you're still married. And the man you kissed is still your husband's friend. This is complicated on so many levels... and it will end up being ugly and potentially ruining everything.

So where you need to focus your attention is on you. What do YOU want out of life, out of a relationship, out of a partnership? What sort of example do you want to set for your children?

Your husband has certainly proven himself to be unworthy of your love, or your sympathy. He made his bed when he cheated on you multiple times and chose to be hurtful to you.

May I ask, what makes you think he will hurt himself if you leave? Is he threatening to? I feel like this is a ploy to keep you, because anyone who care THAT much about their relationship that they would inflict harm on themselves if it ended, would NEVER risk having an affair (let alone multiple...).

Think about it...

[MillieMo]

hun, it sounds to me like you need to focus on either fixing or ending your marriage.

Your husband's mate is a symptom of the problem (The problem being your marriage). You were craving some positive male attention and kind words.. and why wouldn't you? Your husband certainly wasn't/isn't treating you as he should be!

However, you're still married. And the man you kissed is still your husband's friend. This is complicated on so many levels... and it will end up being ugly and potentially ruining everything.

So where you need to focus your attention is on you. What do YOU want out of life, out of a relationship, out of a partnership? What sort of example do you want to set for your children?

Your husband has certainly proven himself to be unworthy of your love, or your sympathy. He made his bed when he cheated on you multiple times and chose to be hurtful to you.

May I ask, what makes you think he will hurt himself if you leave? Is he threatening to? I feel like this is a ploy to keep you, because anyone who care THAT much about their relationship that they would inflict harm on themselves if it ended, would NEVER risk having an affair (let alone multiple...).

Think about it...

Thanks for your advice. I do need to think about what I want. I usually think of others before me and my own needs.

You asked why I think that he might hurt himself - in the past when he's cheated on me, he has hurt himself, when we have been going though the breakups, and trying to sort out things. He says that he does it to inflict pain on himself, as he knows that he's hurt me.

I have not been so understanding about this "mistake" and I guess part of it is down to the feelings I have for his mate - which I know is wrong, but its hard knowing that he feels the same way about me. My husband has hurt himself when I suggested getting a divorce, as I said that I didn't think we could work this out this time - as things are different - we took vows - and he broke them.

[KMonte85]

Your husband has not spent a lot of time thinking about you. And you haven't spent a lot of time thinking about you... it's time.

I'm not telling you that you should get divorced. What I'm saying is, before you pursue something with someone you think you may care deeply for, you should figure out your situation at home.

Your husband needs professional counseling if the answer to cheating on you, resulting in you breaking up with him, causes him to hurt himself. You should demand he see someone... or if you know you're leaving, get all your affairs in order, leave, and make sure the police know he is a suicide risk. Likewise, under no circumstances should you leave your children alone with this man. He is unstable at best.

I know that may seem drastic, but this should be taken quite seriously.

As for being understanding.. well, you've been more patient than most other people would be. You've given him plenty of chances, and he keeps cheating, he keeps treating you poorly, and treating your vows to each other like a joke. If you're done, you're done. No one can fault you for that... he can try, but even he knows that you leaving is a direct result of his inability to be a decent husband.

[ornella]

I have to agree with KMonte85. As you prob. shud know you don't need him and you have to set a good example for your kids. Men that cheat, really have little respect for the women they cheat on. Counseling is prob. a good idea.
You should prob sort out why you were so attached to your husband in the first place and understand your feelings before you start a serious relationship with the mate. Good luck!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

17 years of age and 16 years later, with knowledge of cheating over and over. Then comes the "I want you back" and he does. Sometimes, makes you feel secure regardless of what he has done. Makes you feel that he must love you more right? He keeps returning.

It's more of a comfort and knowledge that he can get away with it over and over again.

When we feel emotionally drained, un-loved and just with a "mate" no passion, lust and someone walks into our lives and gives us attention our brains "feel" as if we are "in-love" but what is occurring is what was missing in our lives is partially being full filled and as such, we "love" that feeling. It is not the person, rather the feeling.

You would find that if you spent more time getting to know you, loving you, seeing who you are, what you have missed out in life, all those dreams and goals that were let go years ago, passions in life that you never even tried, that all of a sudden you will feel alive. Then confident. Then you will know what you want out of life and what direction to take.

Staying in four walls, pretending you are happily married, looking after your children, never dreaming, venturing, creating, being you, the real you........ will make you stay in a rut..

And, find anything that gives you that "ooh" feeling, good.. Loads of guys can do that for you Take a step back and get to know the real you and find her.

[MillieMo]

Thanks guys for your responses - they have given me plenty to think about.

I realize that I need to find "me" and when I met my husbands mate - I did feel like me. I need to take some time alone, but that's going to be hard, as I work full time, and basically a single mum during the week, as my Husband works away.

I understand what you are saying, Chandlers Wish, about its the feelings that I have fallen in love with and not my husbands mate - but if it were the feelings I craved - why when my husband is hugging me at night, do I wish it were his mate? Maybe its not helped by the fact that my husbands mate has told me that he has feelings for me - and he's had these ever since he met me, which was a few years ago.

When we've been out in the past, we have always had fun together and the mate always behaved himself. But now I know that he has feelings for me, some of the things he has said and done make sense now.

I think about the mate, every day - I can't get him out of my head

[WatchmansMoon]

I'm really sorry to read about your situation. It's quite understandable you're feeling the things that you've described. I get the feeling you're still willing to stick this out with your husband, or give him another shot at least. If that's true, shouldn't you find out, to the best of your ability, whether he's actually committed to being faithful from this point forward as well as getting the help he needs to make that happen? Honestly, I'd absolutely demand that he get counseling (starting NOW). Counseling is essential not only for the sake of your marriage's possible future and your children's relationship with him, but especially if he's prone to self-injure. A counselor may be able to help you determine if he's really serious about staying faithful, and they can also help you set up ground rules that DH absolutely cannot break in order for you to give him another chance. If he breaks them anyway, at least you will have done all that you can, which seems to me what you're trying to do. Whatever you do, would you say more of the same will bring about a different result? I'd honestly not just continue to allow him back without any other changes or committments. I feel so badly for you and your children.

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