[Little]

Not only is the adoption process hard, but it's expensive (unless you belong to a religion with a nearby community willing to help you financially.) Having a baby is expensive, too - but there's no insurance for adoption.

I don't think you'll have very much trouble finding a partner who really doesn't want a kid, especially if you're open to the idea of women who already have children. There is a growing community that refuse to reproduce, calling themselves CF - child free. Searching in that specific community may help you connect with others in your area, not necessarily for romance but people looking for other adults their age not tied down by children. Those real life connections might lead to more, with your vasectomy expected, appreciated, and understood.

[Pollon]

Not that this is the main topic, but adoption through the foster care system, including newborn babies, is not expensive. The state pays for everything until the adoption is final. And even then may provide health insurance and other assistance to facilitate the adoption.

Obelisk, I am afraid that your pessimism and bitterness could be as big an obstacle to a relationship as not wanting kids. Have you ever gotten any help with that?

Good luck

[Obelisk]

Obelisk, I am afraid that your pessimism and bitterness could be as big an obstacle to a relationship as not wanting kids. Have you ever gotten any help with that?

I wasn't bitter in the past, but the more I look back on life, the more it seems like a joke to me. My decision to stay child free is based on the fact that I never want a kid to come and ask me why I had them. If I could have chosen not to be born, I wouldn't have. Secondary to that, I don't want to have to concentrate financial resources on a child or children. So I probably would not be open to a woman with kids, and adoption would only be a consideration because that human life already exists and needs someone to love him/her. Ideally I would probably say I'd prefer not to do that either.

Frankly, it would be simpler if I could just shut down my sex drive completely, but the only ways to do that are extremely unsafe and have nasty side effects.

Too bad science has only concentrated on methods to increase sex drive, as if that's what everybody wants.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Sounds to me that you have a lot of love to give, but no faith in yourself due to the up-bringing that you don't want to remember or re-live.

That's quite deep rooted.

What ever our parents decided to do or not do, does not mean that we are the same and will be the same, in most instances it's the exact opposite.

Financial - that's a different kettle of fish. My ex-husband stated the same thing "after" we got married. I am not sure what to think on that note as it's not an emotional decision.

[Obelisk]

Sounds to me that you have a lot of love to give, but no faith in yourself due to the up-bringing that you don't want to remember or re-live.

Well, my life hasn't been horrible, but bad enough that yes, I would rather forget it if I could.

Most of my childhood was spent getting bullied in school because I was chubby (like 20lbs overweight) and was considered a nerd (am very much into science and sci-fi and such). It hurt bad enough when other guys would beat me up, but to have girls laugh at you really f'ing hurt.

And all to come home to parents that were at each other's throats all the time almost to the point of divorce.


My salvation was eventually ending up in a school where I met my best friend who didn't care what I looked like or what I liked, and having him built up my confidence to fight back and better myself. I tend to be the type of person who soaks in knowledge. I learned exactly what I needed to do to lose weight and get decently buff. Even my friend was shocked, and started joining me. For a few years that's how it was. He's still my best friend 16 years later and I'm thankful for that.

I made every effort to succeed in my career and have done well for myself. People are shocked that I'm still single.

As for my parents, well I ended up playing psychologist to them, and they had perfectly valid reasons why they were angry at each other. It took a few months but I got them to see each other's side, and I still live with them, and we've had relative peace for the past 5-6 years. Both are extremely proud of me and my knowledge, and it tears me inside that they have no idea how much they destroyed my life without wanting to. They didn't mean to, and I don't want to hurt them by bringing it all out, because I am angry, but not at them. I might say I'm angry at God, but I don't think he exists anymore, so it's pointless to be angry with a fictional character.

I seriously have thought about seeing a therapist, but I'm honestly not sure how they could help me.

Financial - that's a different kettle of fish. My ex-husband stated the same thing "after" we got married. I am not sure what to think on that note as it's not an emotional decision.

I'm sorry to hear about your ex-husband. I could never do that to a woman. I'm seeing someone and we're not technically bf/gf, more like fwb. She admitted to me that she was interested in a full blown relationship. I would actually be for it but I came clean with her that I didn't want kids in my life. She unfortunately does.
It hurt me because I like her, but I can't string anyone along for my own benefit. I think she's torn right now because I can tell she likes me a lot, and was shocked when I told her I got snipped. She thought I would change my mind eventually. I don't know where things will go from here, but at least my cards are on the table, even if I suffer.

So yeah, this world has become one where you take advantage of someone, or you get taken advantage of instead. And I will not be guy to take advantage. At the same time I'd like to get a break of some sort in life eventually. lol

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Loved the lols

IDK. Obelisk.

I have some suggestions.

Firstly, move out of home. You can not heal the past if you are still living in it in your present if that makes sense.

What is good is that with maturity you come to realise that your parents are not aware at all of what they put us through and the results of that but they still love you and always did. An apology seems fit, right even but it doesn't help sometimes does it, as the memories are there. (Hence it's time to find your life) that belongs to you only.

I think what you have to do is realise it in its fullest that they are who they are, it happened, people are who they are and we MUST accept that.

It's acceptance that sets us free, trust me, I know.

As for your story. The reason why I can give you this advice is from experience. I too was bullied, heck in our days and yours so many were. I wore pink jumpers long school uniform, rubber ducky shoes ...... No wonder!!!!

Un-like you, I stood my ground, be-friended all the other "nerds" I certainly wasn't one but was perceived to be one. And, didn't give a shirt, had a fight on the school oval with two girls (and won) and for me, that did help as no one picked on me again... But, yes, the friends I had was rare as the others didn't want to mix with me, yet they really liked me, due to the way I dressed.

Un-like you I left home at 16 and developed myself, at 25 I realised that I have to accept that my parents wrapped me in cotton wool and other things that to me, I would never friggen do as a parent.. But, they lived in the olden days.

I can say from 25 on-wards once I accepted it, and therefore "accepted them" for who they are and realised all the good things happening in my life that have continued, and that I love myself, therefore others love me (unless I don't want them too) That, it's a great World and good life.

See, life is about lessons it truly is. Each one we learn the better person we become.

I am at so much peace in my life but still a rebel... And, I get on well with my parents but should see them more. My parents, like yours know my feelings it was all out in the open but we work on now and future and all have let go of the past, I can only remember a very small selection of my youth, very small but it doesn't matter...

There is just a beautiful feeling, being free within yourself. Go there, it's time.

Thanks - he was a jerk - I mean you don't marry and then say no kids But again, another lesson for me, this guy is amazing, couldn't be happier best I have ever had in my life everywhere, in every aspect...

I don't think you should dwell either on the kids bit.

One step at a time. I think honestly you should move out, find yourself more I mean living on your own is a huge thing, you get to know a lot about yourself and the women that enter your life, as two within one home even if it's twice a week, it's different...

You may change your mind.. You may not but for now, don't dwell on it, allow it to be a possibility once you have worked within yourself more on the past.. It is the past and trust me, I am serious, sometimes it comes up but then I smile in the knowing of the past 30 years or so and if things were different? I would have stayed home too, been a receptionist, married a brick layer.

OMG Instead of being a business woman, always living my way, in my world and about to now marry a Chef who owns a third of a restaurant - should see our cooking challenges, as I also was a Manager for 17 years

Trust me.

Look forward to talking more if you want to .

[Obelisk]

Firstly, move out of home. You can not heal the past if you are still living in it in your present if that makes sense.

Hmm, I think I came across more bitter in my previous post than I actually am.

I actually have a great life with my parents, and it has been like this for a good 7-8 years.

I don't want to sound conceited or anything, but they have really learned a lot from me and have really turned themselves around.

I thankfully have a way to see things psychologically outside myself, and I've been able to help myself understand many things as well.

They also need my help financially, and I can't turn away simply because I want to go "live on my own".

As for your story. The reason why I can give you this advice is from experience. I too was bullied, heck in our days and yours so many were. I wore pink jumpers long school uniform, rubber ducky shoes ...... No wonder!!!!

lol I remember something similar happening to me. My mom dressed me in this 50's style clothing and thought I looked so cute. But everyone in school thought differently.

I knew my mom didn't mean to get me hated immediately like that. It was also things I said that were considered geeky (was a huge Star Trek fan for one)

To me all of that stuff is in the past, over 25 years ago and really doesn't affect me that much anymore.


Right now the thing that does bother me is how I feel my entire life has been wasted. I've achieved a lot materially and academically, and maybe even physically.
But I'm bitter that I never found out what it was like to have a high school sweetheart, or to experience romance in my early 20's.

Now in my 30's I feel the only women who would come into my life are those that simply want me for the lifestyle they now want (after sleeping around for fun throughout their teens and 20's). They had their "fun" now time to search for the guy who will give them a house, kids, etc etc.

I can't do that. And I need to find a woman that "isn't" about all that. Not sure at this age that it's possible.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think it's awesome when children are there for their parents to help them financially or otherwise.

But, you can still do that and be on your own. What if, they are making a stand, understand your point and are spending their time being mindful, or what if they appreciate the financial assistance but as they are getting old, would like to just live together, not have a "family" to look after and cook for etc. And, what if, you are there and you are 40? I refused to date guys that lived at home at that age, they get complacent to wanting a "Mother" - instead of a fun and loving relationship because the man is used to all the washing/cooking etc done for him, even if he did help out...

I am by no means saying I am right, but I know my parents love our company but all the effort they go through at their age for that company is a lot of work, yet when alone if they are tired, a sandwich is fine I am just putting thoughts out there for you to ponder.

LOLS - What were they thinking? As in many parents when it comes to dressing their kids...

So you were into make believe that means you have, I would imagine, good visualisation and an active imagination they are great traits. But, then... That was your desire, wish and passion had nothing to do with your parents and was something kids took advantage off. Though pumping you with food and little exercise may have caused some issues if that is what occurred ..

The last bit.

Again, past is past, present is present and future is future. I know for a fact that my fiancé was a cheeky one in his youth, 20's... I've heard some of his stories and I've told him a couple of my own but not everything and visa versa, what for? Past is past.

It's funny because honestly a lot of girls who have their first love as a teenager get burnt by that person, they see picket fences and he sees, time to move on and sow thy oats.. And, often she goes onto another who professes love but then once he gets the price, moves on as well. Eventually, a lot of those women don't trust men and want someone obviously to treat her right and until she is mature, often she won't find him because she is still in the bad boy stage, it's like a challenge he must love me, what is wrong with me? Nothing, again until you learn to love yourself, you can't be loved by someone else.

So, these women and I know a lot of them, didn't have their fun. They gave up on the idea it was going to happen, love and just went with what ever or kept trying...

The ones that look for financial, have a record of doing that all along and I am sure you can recognise it, via their attire, hand bags, make up, nails, hair.. Everything is false Or very expensive .

At 34, more than likely you would find someone 28 - 35. But, don't just their sexuality judge their hearts and inner selves.

It's not their fault that you missed out on romance. Like I said, I left home at 16 and made a life for myself, I didn't miss out any more on anything. It's a matter of when you are mentally ready to take it all on, and own it for yourself, which you did in your 20's.

Women love to be loved.

You are already experiencing something of the sorts, past lust with this lady you are dating.. Go with the flow, you have no real idea what you will or won't do when love is concerned.

People "say" they won't do this, or that but things change.

What you don't want to do is judge past. Or, have a check list, that has to tick all these boxes. Just know what "you" want and don't want and compromise a little on that, except for morals

[Obelisk]

It's funny because honestly a lot of girls who have their first love as a teenager get burnt by that person, they see picket fences and he sees, time to move on and sow thy oats.. And, often she goes onto another who professes love but then once he gets the price, moves on as well. Eventually, a lot of those women don't trust men and want someone obviously to treat her right and until she is mature, often she won't find him because she is still in the bad boy stage, it's like a challenge he must love me, what is wrong with me? Nothing, again until you learn to love yourself, you can't be loved by someone else.

I'm not angry with women. I'm angry with men. I know women want to be loved. I know most of them would have jumped at the chance to be with one man only who genuine cared for them. I guess I'm also angry with society for letting this happen. I kept it in my pants and most other men haven't.

Obviously children is not possible for me now. I made that decision measuring everything I have been thru and deciding it was the best thing for me and for them. The girl I'm with told me she's been with 8 guys previously. It bothers me a little. I've been with 2 women including her. I still remember the first one. I'm not sure I'll be able to forget her.

We are meant to bond with one person, and all this sleeping around is f'ing up all of us royally. I knew this and still caved in only because of the hopelessness of finding someone like me.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Even 100 years ago, 50, 200, there was the same problem.

The difference is that those that married, for the sake of marriage, first sex, do the right thing, "some" lived with an abusive husband, some lived with a cheating husband, an ignorant one and those that were not the rebel type, just continued till death do us part.

What a life to lead? To death do us part, un-happy, un-loved, un-fulfilled.

Life is about choices. You made that choice to keep it in your pants and you can not expect at 34 to find anyone that has not been burnt, or just lived the way they wanted to.

Nor should you even look at that. It's about love, finding the soul mate that you can bond with that never bonded with anyone else they way that they bond with you, to me, that's more of a virgin than someone who is one, because sex is sex. That's all it is, love is a completely different thing.

Do you not see you are judging? 8 verses 2... mmmmm. Oh but it's not her fault, I know what men are like. But, then, still....mmmmm...

I don't know if she volunteered that information or if you asked her, I suspect you asked her, in a general form of conversation. Women want to answer as they want to be honest, but it bites them in the ***. In my opinion, it's none of "your" not you, "your" business, I wasn't with you, I am now, the past belongs to me.

This is tough because you are going to judge and you have only had one love your first, so harder that you will allow the right one into your life. Your heart isn't ready either.