[Londongirl]

Hi, I'm new to this and could do with some support/advice.
I met my fiance November 2011, just after he got back from a tour in Afghanistan. He's based abroad, and at first I didn't think it would be anything other than fun, but everything went well and 8 months after meeting we got engaged. The past year has literally been the best of my life - we've been apart, but we made it work, and we were both very happy.
He's going on tour again next month, and last week he told me he no longer wants to be in a relationship. He says he still loves me, and there is nobody else, just at the moment he feels that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me or anybody else.
I'm hoping this is just an effect of the stress of going on tour. I can't stand the thought of not being with him. Am I being a complete fool, or is it possible this is a temporary feeling on his part?

[jns]

Its possible he doesn't want to drag you into the uncertainties of his life anymore. Long distance relationships can work for some, but aren't for others. It's possible he had a change of heart on your LDR or that he felt he was just going through the motions from the start, but didn't say anything before.

Do you two have a lot of disagreements or fight a lot? If not, instead of giving up on this relationship, why not tell him that you are not going anywhere. Sometimes a person wants to be assured that their partner is fully on their side and they go about it in a reverse way.

[Londongirl]

No, that's the thing - we very rarely argue, and until last week I had absolutely no doubts about our relationship. Only last month I had a long weekend with him, and we spent it with my mum and her partner, and we were nothing but happy.
Maybe you're right - I am going to spend the day with him on Tuesday as friends, so I could say that. I'm just scared of driving him away, and him changing his mind and cutting off all contact.
The only thing I'm holding onto is him telling me that he still loves me, and it's not anything to do with me personally, just that right now he doesn't want a relationship. I truly feel that we're meant to be together.

[Little]

If you're broken up, you can't break up with him or cheat on him mid-deployment. Which is not really a reflection on his opinion of you - he probably saw it happen over and over to his friends during his last tour, making it a legitimate fear. This is often exacerbated by superiors telling troops in no uncertain terms - your partners WILL cheat on you, WILL leave you, WILL disappoint you (at least in the American military, this idea is drilled into their heads and constantly confirmed during deployments.)

Alternatively, some people have a hard time keeping in touch during deployment. Either there is a technological barrier or they prefer to compartmentalize their lives and focus only on their job and not what they're missing at home. Trying to keep up relationships when you are short on time and patience is hard, and disappointing a partner at home who is also sad and lonely is emotionally trying. It's easier to end a relationship than try to balance this load.

In your shoes, I wouldn't immediately assume it was over forever. But sometimes it is better to walk away on a note of mutual respect, as friends, understanding it's possible you could get back together in the future, than fight for something at an inopportune time and end negatively later.

[Mayflower7]

Hi Londongirl,
Sorry this is happening, I feel for you. Maybe he's just not sure, and wants some time alone to make up his mind. Good he still loves you, maybe stress is affecting him like you said. Only time will tell, I hope it goes well for you. Or in time you are able to find someone else after healing.
Take care
Kate

[CHANDLERS WISH]

All I can add, is I agree on the "don't sleep with anyone" or look for comfort.

You don't know what is going on in his mind, only he does and Little's post is one to re-read, as she also was with a military person engaged, before finding a beautiful man and now married with son.

It's a difficult time for those that have to go to war, naturally. And, alot of people fear. He probably fears. And, better to find out you found someone but he'd let you go, than to find out you cheated and was still engaged.

Some guys even will consider this a test.. A test of love, time... He comes back and finds out that the entire time he was gone, you worried and loved him the same and kept to yourself. I guess, that would make a man feel safe the next time.

And, then there is love. His fear of not coming back and breaking your heart.

Many reasons. Just let him know what ever the reason, he has made this decision you don't believe it to be anything other than fear. And, you are not going anywhere. Let him go away with that feeling. You'll find out when he returns, if it's something different and can deal with it then.