[Claret]

I've debated whether or not I should post about this, but after sitting on an e-mail that I received for a week and coming up with no answers as to how I should reply, I think I need some input and perspective from our members here. It may end up being a long story, please bear with me.
Way back in 1966, I was a young 16 year old, beautiful and vivacious girl. I dated for a short while (approx. 4 or 5 months) a fellow that was 19 going on 20. I knew that he was in love with me, but with all the impetuousness of youth I broke off with him, in part because I knew that good Catholic girl that I was, I was being pressured into a physical relationship that I wasn't ready for. I also wanted to date other people and just have fun. I broke it off with him.
Fast forward to 1968 and I got married to a man that ended up being 11 years my senior, married before and turned out that he was an alcoholic, an abuser, a liar and a cheater.
When our marriage broke down after we had 2 children, I attempted to call my ex boyfriend, I was looking for a friend, for someone to care for me and my two children. My old boyfriends sister told me not to bother calling again, that X wasn't there and was in fact getting married in a month. I respected this and never contacted him again.
Life went on I met my current husband (we've been together now almost 30 years) and we have a wonderful relationship and life together. This takes us to about 1985
Seven years ago in 2006, I received a friend request on a high school reunion site. It was X from 1966. He asked if he could send me a private memo and I said of course. This memo went on to day how he had loved me from day 1, loved me to this day, would have left his wife and children at any time, in fact when he got married and was standing at the altar he had closed his eyes and pictured me coming down the aisle. He stated he often dreamt of me being the mother of his children and on and on.
I was floored. I never dreamt that I had had this impact on him. We corresponded back and forth on-line and by phone and I offered to invite he and his wife over for an evening to meet my husband and myself. I guess in my mind we could all have been friends. My husband would have been fine with it we have no trust issues between us. Apparently Xs wife would not have been OK with it as during an argument he had told her all about me.
Long story short, 4 years ago my husband and I moved from that city to where we are now located. Contact with X has been minimal at best. I did update him on my medical surgery (I had a double bypass 8 months ago). Then... last week I received this e-mail. . .

My darling XXX, This past night I had a wonderful dream about you. In the dream I saw a vision of you at 16 and 56 then the vision merged together into a beautiful you. Your beautiful eyes, your wonderful soft lips, and an awesome smile. No words were spoken, you just looked at me with an expression of love that woke me at 4 am with my heart so full of love for you that I couldn't get back to sleep. I just laid there thinking how much I have loved you all my life. I thought about how the ignorance of youth prevented me from doing whatever it would have taken to convince that I loved you wanted to be yours for life. I imagined if we had married we would have had wonderful children and a family full of love. I would hug and kiss you spontaneously everyday of your life. Our lovemaking would be all consuming that only two people in love could achieve. Then I thought about how in the past few years I have avoided saying I love you in emails because I felt that may have been what you wanted. Then I thought after what you have gone through over the past year how terrible it would have been if you didn't make it and I wouldn't get the chance to tell you I loved again. I would have regretted that the rest of my life. I don't really know if you believe I love you as much as I say I do. I really do.
This email may upset you but my hope is it helps to raise your spirits to know someone loves you as I do.

That was quite a dream I had to make my feelings for you come rushing back hard enough to want to write this letter.

I laid in bed until five thinking about what could have been. Then I thought for another hour on whether I should write this or not. Now I am trying to decide whether I should send it. I have decided to send it. Please don't be upset.

love you always



A short while later he wrote saying that : "24 hrs later I'm feeling like sending that email was the wrong thing to do. I'm sorry if it upset you"

I need to know what to say to him that hasn't been said before. He knows there is no future and he should be content with the life that he has. I'm now 63 and have no intention of returning his feelings.

[rcoreyus]

Tell him it was a very flattering email, and that you sometimes wonder what life would have been like with him, but that now you are married and happy, and hope he is happy as well.

You can't take all paths in life and you can never know where the ones you didn't take would have lead, so do your best with the one you have chosen.

[Stillness]

Early on in our relationship my wife started a pattern of letting me know when men come on to her strongly like this and even giving me the phone when they call. No one can call her loyalty to me into question with me.

I think the answer to your question is maybe love, and probably obsession. He doesn't know you like he did when you were kids though, so not any solid kind of love. Besides what rcoreyus said, I'd let my mate know about this so there's absolutely no confusion.

[Claret]

The person I feel most badly for is his wife. They've been together many years and I feel he is doing her a disservice and that he needs to give her more of himself. When I was contacted the 7 years ago, I did tell my husband that an old flame had found me on the reunion web-site. I never said much else other than the fact that I was 16 when we dated and that I had asked him and his wife if they wanted to get together and meet one evening. My husband was okay with everything. I would not want to tell my husband the details of any of his correspondence. I felt that I had handled the original e-mails with some style and class and I'm hoping to do the same with this one as well. I just need the words.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Style and class and words.

Dear xxx

I am by no means upset by your email. I am a strong believer that people should be themselves.

I am also a believer that first loves mean something and there is nothing wrong with remembering and treasuring those thoughts.

Enjoy your life, we only have one. I would like to think that you are as happy as I am, with the person we chose in life to spend the rest of our lives with, in that love.

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts.




I'd say that he never chose love along the way and is dreaming back as a boy in fantasy land. I don't think you need these types of emails.

I remember on facebook finding my first crush.. Had the same last name as my first name imagine

Whilst he knew I was engaged, he would still subtly suggest we meet and he'd follow with an x.. I also had to just play cool and eventually, he stopped.

There is a connection of youth and sometimes a person goes back to it, as they get older, as they realise they are un-happy in search for that happiness.

Even the above line could be thought to be added, with be happy in your life .

You have to squash this, it's not fair for your husband either as you don't with to let him know of the message but I would. Why not? You didn't create it and you have nothing to hide.