[Rainwinddancer]

This is my first post and I am not sure if I'm posting in the appropriate place. I am in desperate need of advice! I am a 23 year old mother and I have been with my fiance for 8 years, we have 2 young children. We are getting married in 2015. I know and feel adoration for my fiance and really cannot imagine life without him in it! He is a fantastic father and is a really loving affection person. I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with him and love him with every beat of my heart but I just cannot bring myself to show him the love and affection he needs and deserves!! If I feel these things then why can't I show it? I watch other couples being really cuddly and saying really loving things to one another and I think .. how can that come so natural to people? If I were to try and say or do these things with my fiance it makes me feel really uncomfortable! I do kiss him & we have a cuddle of the sofa at night when kids are in bed but its the spontaneous 'i love yous' & hugs & kisses & really opening up about my emotions and feelings that I struggle with! He is always trying to cuddle & kiss me when he gets in from work & 90% of the time I either push him away or give a quick peck & get back to looking after the kids/housework etc! I sound like a horrible person but it really is hurting me & I know that its hurting him badly! I think to myself that maybe its the stress we are under (money mainly) or is it my childhood? Throughout my childhood I never ONCE saw my mother and father showing ANY sort of love for one another. Not a kiss/hug .. nothing. They never even spoke civilly, constant arguing, violence every day until I was 13 years old when they split up!!! My dad was an alcoholic and I was never hugged or felt love to or from my father. My mother always made me feel loved and was really affectionate towards my sister and I. Showing my 2 daughters love, giving them hugs and kisses comes very naturally to me and I'm always making sure they know how special and amazing they are. So why can't I show the father of my children this too? Is my childhood ruining my relationship? Is it because I never saw an example of a couple showing love for one another? Sorry for rambling on, I'm really desperate for advice!! I'm scared that I will lose him as this has went on too long. PLEASE HELP

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I do think it stems from your childhood.

You say that your Mother showed affection and you've been able to pass this on without any difficulty to your children, but your father was an alcoholic, fought, was non giving, non loving and so, you have a fear more than likely as a result to be able to let go and trust a man, in love...

How to let go of the past isn't easy. You have to accept your Father for who he was, understand that's him not you. You were born into the family but you are your own person.

After this many years, you know if this man is the right one for you or not and yes, it would hurt him not to get the love back but, maybe also he is a bit too affectionate and as you are not used to that from a man, you find it hard and difficult and yucky even. You can let him know you love him with words, that you are an independent person and are not used to, never been used to so much attention and find it hard. As long as he understands you, but knows that you love him. He will back off a little in that understanding .

You have to also let go of your past, perhaps counselling may help you to do that. To understand you are your own person and free, to be what you want to be. No fear.

[Rainwinddancer]

Thanks so much for your advice! I think counselling is the best option. I love him far too much to let this ruin our relationship. Thanks again, you have made me feel a tad better xxx

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Feel "fantastic" Honestly. It's a glitch that you can over come. You are definitely not the only one either but it truly is the acceptance and understanding that is not you, you are not him that will get you there.

Best wishes and stay with us...

It's also great to have a sounding point and a place to write, be heard and to be able to take something from what people say to help along the way.

Love is a beautiful thing, I am happy for you ...