[jen1447]

So ladies (and gentlemen), who wears the pants in your relationship? I know we all like to think that relationships are split evenly down the middle, with both partners equally sharing in every aspect, but it seems to me that it rarely works out that way.

Is one partner in charge so to speak at home while the other is in charge away from home, or do you split authority at home (one's domain the kitchen, one the garage, etc.)? And how does that work in situations where you're not living with your partner? Or are you truly equal partners, where everything is a shared decision?

Lastly, is there are sexual context to this in your relationship? Oftentimes it seems that matters of interpersonal status can carry with them undertones (or even less subtle) of sexual dominance or submissiveness. Is that the case for you to any degree?


I was lead to think about this after reflecting that I almost always seem to be 'in charge' in my relationships - even just day to day ones with others - and definitely with my boyfriend. I guess I am a strong-willed woman, but I'm just wondering how common that is or what some other situations might be.

Thanks for sharing.

[atskitty2]

I haven't met you jen, and have limited interaction with you here, but I can tell that you are a very strong personality and assertive. I'm not surprised that's the case in your relationships.
And this is my observation-totally a positive in my opinion.

Oh....my relationships....in my marriage, things began very equally. We had great communications and we both took a very active approach to every aspect of our lives. Later, he became much more passive and indifferent on every issue.
In my friendships, I find I'm often "in the driver's seat". I am an assertive person, but I really don't prefer the people I keep company with to be so agreeable on everything, but it is the role I seem to take.
I am very happy to take a back seat tho. I can give an idea and move to the side if need be.

I think for those of us with more dominant personalities it is just the natural flow. I personally can find it exhausting at times to feel like nobody has an opinion, won't share it and seem to be hoping that I will make the decisions.

At work, I am often taking the lead role on shift, partly because I like that and partly because nobody else wants to.

Gee, is this even what you were going for with your question?

[jen1447]

Yes kitty, that's it exactly. I understand your frustrations btw ...I feel that way too some of the time, but I don't really find fault with people for it because I think they're simply responding to possibly subconscious cues. Their subconscious may be telling them that it's pointless to offer much input or attempt to make a decision because the stronger willed person will do it. It can be fatiguing to always be the go-to girl, but on the other hand it's nice to take a back seat to no one.

Regarding your husband, I wonder if there may be other factors involved, simply because you here so often about husbands becoming passive - possibly because they just stop caring as opposed to being 'cowed' or what have you? If that's the case, why would that occur? Guys, any input on that?

[DreamP346]

This is an interesting topic of debate. Things are never "equal" in a relationship. One party always gives more than the other. However, the areas ones gives more in can be varied. In addition, who actually has control can be a deception notion. Often times, even in my own relationship, the one who appears dominating may not be the true driver.

In my household I control the kitchen (my hubby refers to it as my "office") and he controls the outsides. No discussions are needed to make any chances in those departments. However, any other changes in the house (like bedroom) needs to be discussed and agreed upon. When it's time to making the smaller decisions (like where to go for dinner, vacation, what time to leave a party), I determine that with very little debate. So it appears that I dominate that aspect. But in reality, I actually let my husband determine most of our choices, subtly. I know what he really wants for dinner, so even if it's not the restaurant I really want to go to, I will pick it.

From the outside, it appears I wear the pants in this relationship. However, the reality to far from it. Most financial decisions are made by hubby and most child raising decisions are made by me. Although we have equal access to the other's domain (I have complete access to all our financial accounts), we rarely venture into each other's domains. The non participating spouse also has veto authority. So even though I rarely make financial decisions, if I say no to a particular investment, hubby can't do ahead with it.

Similar arguments can be made about who invests more emotionally and makes more sacrifices for the relationship. I think that is another area that one partner always give more in.

[atskitty2]

True jen, and I don't necessarily find fault with peers or coworkers, nor am I complaining in general, but it would be nice to occasionally not have the added responsibility.

As far as my failed marriage...it took me a couple years to truly realize that his repeated replies of "I don't care." Were very telling in that he really didn't care about anything in our relationship any more. In hindsight, he had lost his passion for us long before I realized it. I mistakenly thought he really was just settling into a passivity and comfort of a long term relationship. I was wrong-it went much deeper than what to have for dinner or what color carpet or even if we ever had sex.
In fairness, I also think he was suffering from some mental breakdown or depression that I only realized the seriousness of after our separation/divorce and in my own talks with a counselor...so it probably is not a good case study or representing normal relationship progression.

[jen1447]

I'm sorry that all played out that way kitty, but I'm glad you're in a better position now.

sp346, your comments are interesting, particularly in that, while you feel that your husband is actually the dominant partner behind your outward dominance, I note that you say you "let" him make decisions. If it's your decision to let him make decisions, aren't you still really making the decisions in the end, even if they tend to be for his benefit? Don't take that as me being contrary, I just think it's kind of cute.

[Pollon]

"...Later, he became much more passive and indifferent on every issue...."

"....I wonder if there may be other factors involved, simply because you here so often about husbands becoming passive - possibly because they just stop caring as opposed to being 'cowed' ..."

"....I think they're simply responding to possibly subconscious cues. Their subconscious may be telling them that it's pointless to offer much input or attempt to make a decision because the stronger willed person will do it....."


You are packing a lot of stuff in here. I love it.

I would add a few thoughts.

1) Though they may appear tough, strong and unemotional, most men are VERY sensitive to their wives' feedback. I like to describe men as teddy bears who wear armor. The armor keeps them protected from the slings and arrows of the outside world, but at home their wives have a hand with very sharp fingernails up under the armor and wrapped around their hearts. Any squeeze, intentional or not, is painful.

When a wife doesn't realize where her hand is and squeezes too often, he begins to pull away, shut down and stops caring. He will stop offering ideas if they get that squeeze of disapproval. He will stop initiating sex if she keeps rejecting him. He will keep his opinions to himself if they continuously result in a disagreement.

And none of these have to be BIG squeezes. He knows his wife well enough to recognize the slightest squeeze.


2) Being so called "strong willed" is not the same thing as being strong. Some "strong willed" people actually cannot tolerate change, conflict, the unknown, lack of control and a whole host of other things. Therefore, they use direct and indirect methods of manipulation to alter the environment to their liking and achieve comfort. Forms of manipulation can be those very subtle "squeezes" which tell their husbands (or others) "don't go there." Those squeezes can be looks, criticisms, passive-aggressive comments, a sigh, etc.

Over time, everyone around the "strong-willed" person stops caring and taking responsibility for anything, including the relationship. It is much like an employee who is micromanaged in everything they do and criticized for every bit of initiative they do take. Eventually they just sit around and wait for the boss to tell them what to do.

The most difficult person in the world to master is ourselves. Learning to genuinely and lovingly share authority takes real strength.

[rcoreyus]

Early in my relationship with my wife I became the passive one. She was easily upset, and since nothing mattered as much to me as her happiness, I wouldn't argue with anything she wanted. This is a marked contrast to work where I can be completely inflexible about something that seems important. I suspect that in many cases what appears to be "passivity" is a result of being willing to do what is necessary to make your partner happy.

We had a young child in the house for a while (long story), and things changed completely. My wife was I think surprised and very upset that now there was something that was more important than her happiness, and I suddenly became completely inflexible on issues where I thought the child's welfare was involved.

Over the last few years things have completely turned around. My wife does not get easily upset anymore, and things are fairly balanced for making decisions (and I'm much happier).

I don't think this is gender biased. I know a couple where the wife is always doing what her husband wants for many of the same reasons.

[jen1447]

Thanks for your input, rcoreyus. Yes, there's certainly a lot of precedent for women taking a submissive role in traditional male/female relationships.

Pollon, you make some excellent points. I think an effective way to distinguish between the types would be to observe whether they attract people or not, as generally an outgoing strong person who is magnanimous will have a magnetic personality, whereas a selfish or abusive one would repel people. There's probably a lot of potential for wiggle room there based on people's self esteem, but I think it would be pretty reliable in general.

[rcoreyus]

Authority in relationships may be more complex than it seems at first:

One partner may be dominant, the other passive. One may be demanding (different from dominant), the other unwilling to fight. The demands can be based on various "threats" ranging from tantrums, to emotional upsets, to abandonment, or even physical threats. There may be constant active argument, or passive / aggressive type behavior.

In the bedroom may be a completely different situation. There can be mutually enjoyed dominant / submissive behavior (or such behavior only enjoyed by one and tolerated by the other). There may be partners who appear passive but actually control the activities by turning down all suggestions that they don't want. There may be people who tolerate things they do not like - leaving their partners unaware that they are unwitting dominants.

Imagine a case (described often on these boards) where one person has a very broad range of sexual interests, and their partner a very limited set. Since the first person is happy to do everything the second wants, but not the reverse, somewhat paradoxically the less active, more inhibited person is controlling the sexual activity.