[secret0524]

I visited my new guy friend at work because he wanted me to come by and wanted to make me coffee. I stayed around for a bit not wanting to think that I'm only coming for coffee and tried to talk to him. However, things were a bit awkward because he seemed to be of a few words and he seemed busy trying to focus on doing his job so I didn't stay too long. I sent him a polite thank you note for his act of kindness regarding the coffee, exchanged numbers, and decided to hang out some time (this is something I do with pretty much all my male friends so I thought nothing of it). But something about him seemed a bit off. He was mentioning how he was a bit awkward because he was nervous and embarrassed meeting me because he was sweaty and tired from working but I was under the impression of meeting as friends so I didn't really understand his intentions. So we scheduled a day to hang out and the first day he picked I couldn't do it because of college lectures so he picked another day. After we both agreed to meet on the set day, he mentioned that day was his birthday and sent me a text saying "no pressure". I told my friend, who knows him a bit better than I do, my situation and she told me that this could be a date.

He also has a birthday party the day after, which I am not going because I already made plans with that friend of mine before his invite and I am not sure of the situation after dinner with me on his actual birthday. So, instead of going to that birthday party, my friend tried to help me out by telling him that she can't go but was willing to hang out with him instead (hoping it would be a three way hang out with me and him). But, he turned her down and now it looks like I am going to be hanging out with him 1 on 1. I do 1 on 1 hang outs with my guy friends all the time (even if they did like me more than a friend) since most of them know pretty well where I stand in terms of our friendship. But this guy is a different case because I just met him not too long ago and I am not sure what he might interpret this hanging out. In your guys' perspective, would you guys see this as a date? If so and he does actually ends up asking me out, how should I turn him down.

[atskitty2]

Why not just talk to him about it beforehand? Clear the air, take the guess work out of it and just let him know up front what your intentions are.
I think it's quite possible if you haven't known him long, and if you've never explained your feelings toward him, that he thinks it's a date, so if it isn't, make sure he knows that and save him the embarrassment that could potentially occur.

If you're only interested in friendship, I think it's reasonable to make that known from the start, to avoid confusion and awkward situations. I think most people would appreciate that thoughtfulness and respect.

[jen1447]

I agree with kitty. We have to be careful about how we treat people when it comes to romance, because it's just a naturally vulnerable position to be in. Believe it or not, it would probably be best for him in the long run to just know the truth up front - and to be told it respectfully by you - than to have his feelings 'spared' or 'protected' and lied to in the process. Treating people like they can't handle things can actually be somewhat dehumanizing, because in doing so you're telling them that you don't think they're capable of dealing with the truth, or even worse, that maybe they aren't worth the truth. (Through no malicious intent of your own, just because you're seeking the easiest way out.) That's a kick in the teeth to anyone, especially someone who's already vulnerable. Plus - and this is key - people on the losing end aren't dumb or don't become dumb just because we don't think of them in 'that way' anymore or at all. Chances are, he already knows what's up with you, or he'll figure it out. That just leaves him wondering why you didn't think enough of him to treat him like a man.

Depending on how mature he is, he may react poorly to it initially, but at least he'll know what's really going on, which will equip him to process it in his way and then move on. Not knowing on the other hand will just make him feel rejected for no good reason and will make it more likely that it'll hang over him for the longterm.

So I'd look at it less as "how do I turn him down" specifically (which mainly helps you get out of it) and more as "I need to be up front with him" (which mainly allows him to deal). The truth is already what it is, it's just a matter of handling it the right way.

[DreamP346]

If I was this guy, I would think it was a date, but I'm older, so may not know as much about how college folks mingle these days.

[rcoreyus]

I agree, let him know the situation. He is probably trying to figure it out himself, and hoping he doesn't make a fool of himself.