[Victaga]

I know this sounds weird and alot of people would never understand it. But I am in love with two people! My boyfriend, and my best friend. I've actually known my bf since I was six yrs old, I seriously love him, but at the same time, I'm head over heels in love with my best friend who I met four years ago. I was not attracted to my best friend when I first met her, but over the first year and a half of our friendship I just started to fall for her, she is amazing and I can be open with her about things I could never talk to my guy about, oh my gosh she is unbelievably beautiful, inside and out. Well she left to go back to her homeland (Israel) a while back ago but I've been keeping up with her on Skype and all, well, she is coming back this Summer. She knows I love her and so does my guy. My guy is agonizing over her coming back. I just do not know how to deal with this. I want her to stay in my life, because without her I would have killed myself years ago. But I cannot lie and say I wont be wanting her in other ways while she is here. I do not wanna cheat on my boyfriend. I care about him deeply. And I know it would rip his heart out if I did that. I just need some advice on how would be the best way to handle this. I love them both, I want them both in my life, and I could not live without either one of them.

[jen1447]

You're polyamorous - which I think is becoming more and more known and accepted in modern times. The question is, what do you do about it (if anything)?

I'm bisexual, and I've had long romantic relationships with both men and women, so I know what you're feeling inside. It might help you to try to get your exact feelings defined though. Everybody's different, but in my case I can tell you that I have a much stronger sexual desire for women, while men seem to have the edge in romantic desire (bonding and emotional intimacy and all that). Are you able to say with some degree of certainty in what way you "love" both your boyfriend and your best friend? That might help to sort out your feelings.

I don't want to put words in your mouth, but reading between the lines above, you appear more deeply concerned about and interested in your best friend. Whereas your feelings about your boyfriend are passive (you mainly don't want to hurt him), your feelings for her seem to be where your hopes and ambitions (in other words your future) lie. You do want this, that and the other with her. You don't want this or that thing to happen to your boyfriend.

As to how to deal with it all, you mention that your BF is agonizing over it. What does your BFF think? Have you been overtly intimate with her yet? Some people are able to actually pull off polyamory if they have two very tolerant partners. It sounds tho like your boyfriend at least would not be a party to it. I'd suggest you find out in no uncertain terms, then decide what it is you can and can't live with. If it's him or the highway in his mind, then you have to decide if you can be without her. If the answer is no, you'll have little choice but to leave him.

If that sounds heartless or cruel, please bear in mind that you wouldn't be sparing either him or you any unhappiness and/or resentment for falling on the knife for his sake. If you need her in your life, you'll be unhappy and you'll come to resent him, and he won't be any better off knowing that (which he will).

[Ashlee T.]

I agree with Jen...it seems like your passion lies with the friend, not the boyfriend. Perhaps because you "have" him and do not "have" her. Sometimes we want most what we don't have. Or perhaps a relationship with her is something you need to pursue.

You said you could not say to him that you would not be thinking of her and wanting her. But what about if you broke up with him and were with her? Do you think you'd long to be with him? SOmetimes we stay in relationships because they are what we know, they are comfortable, we genuinely care for the other person and do not want to hurt them. BUT, if the true love and passion is not there, then we are cheating both ourselves and them.

You could live without either of them. Trust me. But if you could only have one of them.....ask yourself, when you close your eyes at night...when you wake up in the morning.....which one is it?

[rcoreyus]

For some people having a partner also interested in a same-sex person is OK. Feelings of jealousy may be very different - or not. Any way you can approach the subject with your boyfriend? Is it possible that there is an arrangement that would make everyone happy?

[Victaga]

I have asked my boyfriend if I could be with both of them, him being the only guy I involved myself with and her being the one girl I get involved with...he said no. I guess I'd have to ay, I am in love most to my best friend. Honestly she is the only person who has ever actually made me feel like I could live with her as my partner...my only partner, for life! That is one thing I cannot say about my bf, sadly, but I can honestly say I love him. I really wish I could have both. Maybe when she gets back it will be easier to sort through what I want...or a hell of a lot harder!

[jen1447]

Naw hon, I think you just answered your own question. If that's really the truth, the hard part is over. Now you just have to do what you have to do.

Is your best friend ready to um basically fall into your arms? I mean, she's on board with you and her as an item and all?

[jns]

Don't give up yet. Your bf may eventually warm to the idea.

Has your bf and your gf ever talked to each other? Openness in such a relationship is necessary so nobody thinks that their going to be losing. Time has to be set aside for each of the relationships and a degree of even-handedness needs to occur.

[Victaga]

My best friend has said she has feelings for me but is worried that if something happened to mess up our relationship she would lose me as a friend! She wants to work it out when she gets back. And no my bf has never actually met her. They know of each others existence, but they have never met each other. And I know that even without me in the picture they would never get along!

[Pollon]

Have you thought about what happens in the long-term?

Do you want to live on the same continent?

Do either of you want children?

As much as you may love your lady-friend, are both of you prepared for everything a same-sex relationship entails?

Before you blow up your relationship with your boyfriend--if it hasn't already been damaged beyond repair--it would be helpful to see if a serious relationship is even possible.

[jen1447]

The only problem with that imo is that you're hedging your bets, which is really nothing to build a lifetime's romance on. It's the trade up/trade down principal at play - "I'll stick with this guy if I can't get a better deal," etc. Do you really want to settle for the consolation prize just because some things might be more difficult?

My best friend has said she has feelings for me but is worried that if something happened to mess up our relationship she would lose me as a friend! She wants to work it out when she gets back. And no my bf has never actually met her. They know of each others existence, but they have never met each other. And I know that even without me in the picture they would never get along!

Have you decided what you're gonna do? (Break the bad news to the BF, dash the BFF's dreams, etc.)?