[lilay86]

My boyfriend and I are in our lat 20s and have been dating for 4 years. I'm at a point of my relationship where I would like to love onto the next level. I truly adore him and accept him for who he is, but he is awfully stubborn in an unhealthy way that negatively affects our relationship.

When we fight or discuss matters regarding our relationship, he refuses to listen. Sometimes he will blow up on me and I take what he says to heart. I think it has damaged my self esteem. I know in my part, I am very expressive to the point it makes him uncomfortable in enormous ways. I realize I use an instinctively poor approach where he feels like he is being attacked. I seem to damage his manly ego. Once in a while we will go through this cycle of me bringing up something, him reacting extremely defensively; then I get upset that I angered and hurt him while trying to cope with my own emotions; be runs away from the situation and will either verbally or no verbally demand space. I usually always give him that space because that is what he needs. He usually feels better on his own and usually disregards my feelings, letting alone the problems never resolves but only internally deepens. Most often he expects me to feel better when he is better and doesn't understand why I'm not feeling better. He doesn't meet my emotional needs and usually I come crawling to him apologizing. Essentially I have been feeling worthless and "irrelevant". I'm too "sensitive" for him and. I express my thoughts, concerns and feelings. He responds to me I harsh ways saying that I don't deserve any sympathy, that I'm upset for nothing, that I bring this upon myself, I'm selfish, I'm the one at fault; etc.

When we are not fighting, he is sweet and does little things. He's not the romantic type and is not very very expressive about his care or attraction for me. Rarely does he say compliments or positive things about me. In fact, He makes fun of me a lot & jokes around a lot. When things are good, they are obviously good, but when we fight, it's clearly bad.

In some ways I'm confused and wonder if he is too comfortable in this relationship. He doesn't fight for me or try to work things out. He just expect me to be superficially fine and submissive. He also rarely ever apologizes. I could go on about this, but I think that's the gist of this. Thus, I guess what I'm asking is: I know fights are normal in relationships and because my feelings are so strong for him despite his anger and stubbornness, am I wasting my time? Should I get out of this relationship? What is the best way to cope and manage him? When I talk to him he becomes a wall.

I know I cannot make anyone decide for me, but any suggestive better approaches on how to deal and cope with our fights is helpful. A goal is to make our relationship work and I know not to force it on him if he doesn't want to. I already am aware that most the things have been my fault. When he snaps I say back how insensitive he is, sometimes selfish and stubborn. So I think we are both at faults, not just me!

Thank you for taking the time to read this. We did fight just tonight and I cannot sleep. (It's past 4am!) he is sleeping soundly and demanded to be left alone... Which is why I'm venting on here.

[jns]

From this description he sounds selfish and controlling. The sweetness is a mechanism that helps draw you back. If it wasn't there, I think you would already have your decision. I would expect things to get worse if you get married. I would expect the sweetness to disappear and for him to work on isolating you from friends and family. As it stands here, I would say get out of this relationship and find someone who will treat you right.

[jen1447]

I more or less agree with jns, altho he may not quite be the monster that we sometimes hear about in threads here. The thing is hon, most times we include the answers to our own questions inside the questions.

It sounds to me like you've already realized that he isn't satisfying you in this relationship, and I applaud you for valuing yourself enough for that to still mean something. If this were a new thing or a relationship that maybe had ups and downs and there were times when he did give you what you needed, that would be one thing, but it sounds like he's consistently been this way (his good moods notwithstanding). That's very likely not going to change at this stage, no matter what you do. So I'll reiterate what you already know in your heart: it's time to get out.

[Claret]

If you are going over and over the same ground, time and time again, you are not gaining anything. Fighting can be constructive if both parties recognize the rules. The rules should include the fact that you may never agree 100% on any one particular thing, and that it's ok to not agree. The rules should include that to have constructive arguments you EACH present your side and have some assurance that the other party clearly understand the other's position. The rules can then include how to come to an agreement or concensus and how each should compromise so that there is a win-win situation for both persons.

These rules don't need to be written down or stated, they need to be understood and it's how mature, responsible, respectful people argue their cases.

You don't seem to have any of this. I don't know how your arguments resolve themselves or how they are in the middle of an argument. Do you yell? Do you swear at each other? Do you have epic silences? Do you ever get to the point where both of you are happy with the outcome?

If you are constantly pushing his buttons, and he is constantly shutting you out, then you really don't seem to have a sustainable relationship and as jns says, you may want to get out of the relationship (such as it is) and find someone who will treat you right.

[Pollon]

".....the problems never resolves but only internally deepens...."

If you two don't learn how to resolve the problems you encounter at this stage of the relationship, imagine when you are dealing with the bigger issues that will come later.

As decent couples counselor could help you two learn how to communicate and handle conflict. I would suggest you two see one before you consider moving this relationship forward.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

He responds to me I harsh ways saying that I don't deserve any sympathy, that I'm upset for nothing, that I bring this upon myself, I'm selfish, I'm the one at fault; etc.

I can imagine how that makes you feel. Worthless, wrong, no one understands. The emotions of this deepen eventually to anger and hatred as you spiral down further. But the thing is, you do acknowledge that's not the case, that you are not bringing it all upon yourself, it started somewhere and he refused to discuss the situation at that time, not admitting any wrong doing what so ever, pointing at you to go away or verbally stating not asking to have his space, telling you your selfish, it's your fault.

We can cry for help. It doesn't mean that people will listen and especially the ones we want to listen, if they block themselves from emotions and this is what he has done. He doesn't want to have emotions. He wants to be "the man" always right, never wrong.

So what you are supposed to ensure that he always feels like a man, the man and you are the submissive woman who says "yes dear" to everything? It more than likely is his up-bringing but he needs to understand you are important as well, not just some "little woman" but an intelligent human being with feelings.

I already am aware that most the things have been my fault

I don't believe this.

So I think we are both at faults

I believe this...

You own yourself, your directions in life, where you want to be, who you want to be. Compromise comes with getting there in a mutual way that doesn't affect your relationship after all you are sharing two lives in one. If you forgo who you are, where you are heading and simply live in the life you are in, day to day, day by day, you will also find things that irritate you, bother you, negativity..

My suggestion would be, take a step back, look at yourself, where were you heading before him, where are you now, have you given up a lot? Did you stop dreams and goals? If so, get back on track because you will see that all that may really be missing is the real you. If she came out, then I am sure she would be positive, happy and living a little bit of a different life that would make him sit up and take just that little bit more notice of what he has and your emotions won't be so high either as you have a lot of positive things in your life happening around you.

[Sehnora]

Doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship...

According to me, his behaviour could be because of the following reasons..

1) He loves you but something else is bothering him (work, family etc.)
2) He is taking you and the relationship for granted
3) He is involved with someone else. (sorry I know this is hard to hear but guys really turn insensitive when they're into someone else)

The solution? Ask him if something else is bothering him... if yes then maybe you could give him some time. Otherwise, give him an ultimatum, if he's just taking you for granted he will realize it and change, and if he is into someone else he will leave you happily.

Do what you feel like doing... your heart knows best
All the best