[jenagon2004]

Short Version...

1. I was a mistress for a guy (sex involved)
2. His girlfriend found out (only that we made out)
3. She broke up with him
4. He is obsessed with getting her back
5. He won't be with me (relationship - girlfriend status)
6. He is still sleeping with me
7. He is my best and only friend
8. I love him

PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!! Read below for the whole story...


Long and Sticky Version...

So I am in this strange relationship. I am in college very far away from home and there is only one person who is my support here. Let’s call him John. So I spend a lot of time with John and he is the only one who I can call a friend. There is one problem; I am also sleeping with him. Early on in the semester after partying one night we were watching a movie and later we made out some but he stopped. I found out that he had a girlfriend. However, things progressed between us and now we sleep together regularly. His girlfriend found out that we made out (but she still thinks nothing else happened) and told John that we couldn't hang out alone together anymore. That didn't happen and the tension between them eventually put them into a break during which his guilt prompted him to quit talking to her all together to test himself is he could live without her. He was miserable and decided that he was still in love with her. However, she thought he didn't like her anymore said that she was tired of being hurt by him and wanted to give this new guy a chance. Over fall break he confessed he loved her and wanted her back which was hard for him because he has a lot of pride and is an emotional rock. However she denied him and said she wanted to give this guy a chance but apparently he thinks she banking on the getting back together. He said he was going to cut her out of his life and he was very heartbroken. However he lied to me and I caught him e-mailing her and I know that he is secretly doing everything he can to get her back, all he cares about is winning weither or not he loves her, which he infact may. So now there is even less of a chance that he would ever have me because I know in his mind he blames me for what happened. He just says sorry because he knows I love him but he refuses to say he even likes me, which I'm not sure he does. Despite all of this we are still having sex regularly. It's tearing me apart. I get so upset when I think of her and I saw a scrapbook she made him and he truly looked happy and she is also his social structure at home, he was popular and not he isn't and he doesn't want to give that up. I obsess over him and every moment I'm not with him I think of where his is and what he's doing and I feel depressed without him. I also get angry at him too for not wanting me. I can't cut him out of my life because he is the only thing I have and I tried it once and I nearly died (we also live on the same hall); but I know that I deserve better. Please help me, I want to die.

[Fallen1]

I am so sorry you are hurting.

But in my opinion you need to figure out a way to get out of this relationship. From my view point he is just using you. I know you have feelings for him but why would you want to be in a relationship with this guy? He's proven that he can't be trusted in a relationship. You deserve so much more than what you have!

[jenagon2004]

True...

That is so very true, thank you for your encouragment it really helps to hear the truth. I just don't know how to seperate myself from him he is all I have. I know he is bad for me but I don't think I can just cut things off. Like I say he's the only friend I have and he lives very close to me. Sigh, thanks for your help tho!

[Goldm00n]

Its not going to be easy but here is my advice.

I would check the local paper for groups to join and then join as many as you can. All of a sudden be to busy for him. "its not you hon I'm just really busy" Your to easy for him right now, meaning he knows your going to be there so he is treating you like **** make him miss you and one of two things will happen. Either he will figure out your the one he wants and really pursue you or you will make lots of new friends and won't care what he is thinking.

You dont deserve to be treated this way and you need to pull yourself out of this pattern. No one needs it.

[Fallen1]

I know that if/when you choose to break it off it will be tough, I know I've been there. I've known what it's like to go through heartache but it gets easier day by day. Make some new friends. Try to stay busy to keep your mind occupied. You will make it through.

[jenagon2004]

I think I may try the busy thing but I don't want him to think I don't want him in case he is playing mind games like when he actually liked his girlfriend, he was the one who started their break! I would nevr forgive myself, I don't want to feel like it would be my fault eventhough it wouldn't be. It's a good idea though, I think I may try it. Thanks guys!

[kaylar]

Twenty five years ago Norma was involved in a similar
situation with a married man. The difference between
you and Norma is twenty five years of being the old shoe.

This man has absolutely no interest in you whatsoever.
You are a recepticle, a conveniance. You have no one
but him, meaning he can do whatever he wants because
you are so completely vulnerable.

If the love of his life takes him back and she tells
him to throw you in a cess pool, he'll do it. Because
you mean nothing to him.

What is so pathetic is that you will stay around until
he throws you in the cess pool. Then, if ten minutes
later he tells you he's sorry, you'll be back again.

Norma hung around for twenty five years. There when
he wanted her, away when he didn't.

When Norma was fifty this man, who had her back and
forth for twenty five years dumped her for a thirty
year old. He still has his wife, now he has a thirty
year old going back and forth.

Norma has nothing.

That is your future if you don't get out.

[jenagon2004]

Wow, that's awful. I hope this doesn't last that long. I just feel like right now I don't have the strength to let him go eventough I know that he is bad for me. I realize it I just find it hard to take action. Maybe I'll get fed up enough someday or he'll not want me anymore. I know you're probably beating the desk right now but it's true I'm that weak and strength doesn't grow overnight, right? Plus he is a way of life for me, a habit.

[kaylar]

The first year Norma was K's mistress people told
her, if he doesn't divorce his wife this year, get out.

The fifth year Norma was K's mistress, other people
told her the same thing, as the first set of friends
was fed up.

The tenth year Norma was K's mistress people
passed very unpleasant remarks to her, because
it was remarkable that an otherwise bright and
useful woman would be in this kind of dead end
affair.

She was nearly forty years old when the next
set warned her, but of course, she was too
weak to leave, he 'loved' her, and her whole
life depended on him.

After she passed menopause she felt, well she
has to stay with K. When she was fifty and he
dumped her, well, she learned how to live without
him. Without him, marriage, children, life.

You are doomed, because after he dumps you,
because you've broken yourself into a second
place mentality, you'll be hooked up with another
man who uses you to take the 'edge' off.

He doesn't love you, and if he meets another woman
he'll dump you for her in an eyeblink.

Norma thought K couldn't divorce his wife because
of some religion etc. No, he didn't divorce his wife
because he didn't want Norma as his wife.
He wanted her as a mistress.
Until she was fifty, and he could change her in
for a younger version.

[LadyLane]

My freshman year of college about the same thing happened. I became best friends with a guy, and one drunken night it became physical. And then (I never had sex with him) we couldn't be apart.... BUT he had the girlfriend at home who was his first love and all that and on Fridays he swore they'd break up but by Monday he was madly in love with her again...

Anyway, the point is this. You have RELIED on him so much that you've made him your only friend. You can make and have other friends. (Girls, please). You're so (this is just an opinion from what I've read) wrapped up with him as a friend and physically that its too hard for you to separate.

He lives close to you; so what. Make friends in your classes - ask someone to study or to borrow notes, go to a party, even alone. I've done that. You have made him the desert island and you've stranded yourself on it. You have to get off. It is hard. You have to believe in yourself BY yourself, try not to worry about what he's thinking. Part of you knows what he's thinking alot about - his ex.

And honey, why do you want to sleep with a person who blames you for his breakup when it was clearly his own choice? Its terrible that you live in the same dorm. But next year you won't. But why wait for next year to make a clean break? Make it after winter break. Clear your head while you're home.

And by the way, in college, no one cares if you were popular back in high school, like he was. High school is OVER. College is the best place to never be placed in a box again.