[secret0524]

There's a guy friend who has been very close with me this past year because we are in the same major.
He is also somebody I have grown to really like because of our growing closeness but regarding my feelings I have questioned a lot because of his recent escalating behavior in terms of physical touch but I do not know what to do.

This past month it's been simply putting his arm around me while studying or linking arms when we're sitting by the couch since we're trying to get our arms through to share a computer to study. In a way he helped me grow more comfortable with physical contact with the opposite gender until he started to cross the line.

Also, I have a tendency to tease all my friends and nobody really takes it seriously as they do know I do not mean it at all
and all my friends are okay with it. He was too, until lately he seemed to be more irritable and more aggressive towards me about it.
At first he gives me a joking threat: if you say that again I'll tickle you… and so I thought he was joking back with me as all my friends to that too.
but over the past week, that tickle turned into being really close to my face as if we are about to kiss, to him grabbing my chest to him trying to grope my butt
trying to touch me underneath clothing. I have been working on trying to not tease him about anything but sometimes it slips as it has been a customary
habit with all my friends and it's been getting worse… but I do not know if he's using that as an excuse to touch.

Even when we study, he'd grab my hand and I pull away but refuse to let go then I end up giving up because his hold pulls on my bones quite a bit. He bites my finger when I make random hand wave gestures as this is also one of my other random habits I had for years that he claims to be bothered by… although I do this all the time, it's been only two weeks since that bothered him. I try to not do that but as it is a habit it has been hard for me to be conscious about until somebody nips on my finger. Also he would randomly touch my thigh and try to move him hand up.. I try to move away but sometimes he has a grip.

I have tried to tell him that I am not comfortable with the physical gestures but knowing that I have a tendency to avoid relationships and physical relations with guys, he says this is something I have to get used to as I am nearly 20 year old in college and that I have to somewhat agree. I even tried to prove the point that if he were touched in similar ways that he had done to me, he wouldn't like it either. He flinched in most cases which I felt showed that he was not feeling too comfortable with it but still denied his discomfort… He even forced my hand on his chest in one case and was like I'm perfectly okay with it…

However, I am not sure if his pushing of boundaries are quite appropriate.. He seems to like to push the lines so I have been having difficulty setting it.. How should I do this so that he understands there needs to be a line when he thinks it only should be crossed?

[jen1447]

Hm, I think there's enough blame to go around. First of all, there's absolutely no way that was he's doing is acceptable, no matter what the circumstances, so it needs to end immediately and probably the only way for you to make that happen is to say "Listen, you are not allowed to touch me, at all. Do you understand?" Make him acknowledge it and say or imply that if he doesn't there will be trouble. He doesn't get free access to your body, period, even just to cop a feel.

That said, it sounds like you've pretty clearly been sending mixed signals. "I've always been that way, ha-ha" is really not an excuse. Why do you do that? I mean, what do you think will happen if you send signals to everybody that you're open for business that way? Naturally they're gonna explore the possibilities. So imo you also need to stop that asap. Flirting is all well and good but responsible women don't flirt with everybody all the time.

[rcoreyus]

You need to first decide, then make it clear to him what is and isn't acceptable. Is there some romantic involvement? If not then he has absolutely no right to be touching you. Even if there is romantic involvement, he should never touch you if you have told him not to.

[Archer]

Sounds like, honestly, you're keeping this guy in your back pocket to meet your needs. I think you know very well that you could lose him as a study-buddy if you stood firm, and I also think that you may be slightly teasing him and letting these things go because you are benefiting from this interaction more than you are losing from it.

If this is anywhere near the case, I would agree with Jen that these mixed signals have got to go. He wants you, this is clear. Cut him off if you don't want him back, and find a new study partner.

[secret0524]

I should have been clearer that I do have a comfortable relationship with the guy friends who do that with me and we both know that it's just being friends. Many of them are within the same social hanging out group, including that guy who is also in that same circle. But others are people back in high school and they actually are somewhat acquainted with my college friends. Most of them are either taken or gay so they actually have no romantic interest towards me or we have considered our friendship as Platonic. It's just that most of those people in both circle happen to be guys.

This guy in particular, I do not have romantic involvement in which we have defined. But lately our relationship has been blurred. We are not "dating", at least explicitly but I think we are coming at a term that we like each other. It's actually a bit confusing at the moment because no lines have been defined on either side….

His physical touching has been escalating a lot quicker over a couple of weeks and I just simply do not know how to work with him… My only main concern regarding him is that lot of this could lead to his proposal of a sexual relationship…. as he seemed to be hinting that a little bit.

[Trixareforkids]

Secret, it's NOT confusing, either you want to explore your relationship and see if it could be more than friendship or you don't. If you do, but are still uncomfortable with touching than you need to say that, if you don't then you need to say that. Whether you're interested or not, if you think he's interested in a deeper relationship you need to put your intentions out there, explicitly. Confused? Say something along the lines of "look I'm confused, I don't know if I want to explore a relationship or not, but either way your touching me is making me uncomfortable and if it doesn't stop I WON'T be interested as I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who can't or won't listen to me." No is easy. And yes could be "I'm interested, but I want to go in slow motion, NO touching without asking first."

You'll never get what you want if you don't say what you want. And when you don't know what you want you still have an obligation to say that. We always know what we DON'T want and you're obligated to say that too. Stringing someone along for your vanity (which I fear you may be doing here) is cruel in my opinion. Be brave, treat him the way you would like him (or anyone) to treat you.