[Never_Accept_Defeat]

Well first off I hope I am not in trouble for this. I am a man and I am just searching for insight, I am here to learn from women themselves and be respectful. I have no intention of trying to do anything crazy.

I am just really confused here because I am a Life and Relationship Coach but the situation at hand is my own and I just cannot seem to figure it out. I figured what better way to get information than to go right to the basic source.....being women. I really hope I can get some insight here as I am confused about my ex.

So we have been split up now for just over a year. We got along just fine prior to that in my opinion(she thinks different). We had the typical arguing and all but nothing major. We were both in the Army and we were both very physical and dominant types. We drank alot and we physically fought 5 or less times in which we did strike each other. At this point we decided it was best to not drink. And that ended that, we never had another physical altercation. Moving on we always got along fine and handled stress as good as any couple could. We had two little boys now 3 and 4. One night she came to me and told me that we were not living right and that we needed to get married before she would continue sleeping with me. That was fine because I had already asked her mother if it was ok to marry her daughter and WE had previously discussed marriage. We had both also been married once prior two other people. I had no intention of not marrying this woman but was waiting on a very long drawn out divorce from a bitter ex. Well as we move on the woman I was and still am in love with decides to start telling me how she was unhappy and had recently tried killing herself in a couple different ways and how she had been raped when she was a teen. Just random stuff started coming out and then it all melted down. We ended up splitting on her call...She up and walked out never gave a reason until recently saying that I never listened to her and I never used or valued her opinion...this could not be further fro the truth. I know I ad typical man mistakes and all but it was nothing to walk out over in y opinion. I ALWAYS ASKED HER to talk to me because she would see upset. YET I would always get told to just "FIGURE it out". Nothing ever got talked about yet this was pinned on me. After she walked out she ended up sleeping with a man 22 days later. YES I know because she told e and some how I ended up with all their dirty text. Well that shoots a hole through the no sex till marriage thing right? It really hurt e and I let her know that because it made me feel less than adequate even though we were broke up. EVEN THOUGH I know different, I know it was not about the sex I just do not know what is going on here.

Current day this woman and I get along fine we do not fight and I have the boys more than half the time as she seems to get stressed easy yet I let her call it how she wants so it doesn't make her feel bad. She seems to keep me close at times and I can tell she is not really dating. BUT we both have dated on and off. Still do. As I stated we have been apart for a year and a month now but she always seems to call me when she is having a bad day, wants to talk about random crap, or looking to go on a car ride. She tries to keep the boys in mind and not make it seem like she is trying to be near me but I catch her all the time doing it just to be near me. She will go hot cold hot cold and I just sit back and watch. I don't put up with BS and I speak my mind. She knows I would love to be back together but I do not push the issue. She randomly will ask me or suggest that I can spend the night at her house but only on the couch. We have dinners together occasionally and do random stuff together. WOW I cannot seem to think of what is going on here......I mean I see signs that she may be considering it was a mistake to walk out the way she did but at the same time she is very hesitant. UNDERSTANDABLE, I wasn't a jerk but I could have care more by SHOWING IT, thats it. I am a good man, father, and anything else, she will vouch for that. What is happening here ladies??? Can any of you help me better understand this one? I mean I get the gist of it because I handle stuff like this on the daily but this one is a tad different and personal so it seems more difficult.........Geez ladies I know I have made MY MISTAKES but what the heck is going on here..Anything helps as long as it is constructive. THANKS AGAIN

[Never_Accept_Defeat]

We were together 4.5 years
Generally good time all the time but there was stress
Finances were tight but we worked hard all the time and made due
She wanted the 50's and prior lifestyle withe the New age perks(I am not sexist by any means but she was ringing this shammy hard)

[Claret]

Sometimes, we push away those that are getting closest to our true inner being. If she was raped, she may equate love and sex as a power struggle. She may be pushing you away because allowing you in closer opens her up to all types of vulnerabilities. She may be conflicted about sex and when it's appropriate and when it's not (evidenced by her having sex in your 22 days separation). She may not know how to act and react to normal relationships or to love.

I have no suggestions, but if you are willing to wait around for her, she may decide that you are trustworthy for her to allow into her heart and psychic. She is confiding in you, you share children, you are talking. It just may be a start.

[jen1447]

never gave a reason until recently saying that I never listened to her

I ALWAYS ASKED HER to talk to me because she would see upset.

Those two claims don't square up very well, which likely reflects the problem - communication. You may be talking to each other but not hearing each other. Also btw, I hope you don't talk to her in caps. It indicates yelling or making a forceful point ....not exactly an approach that's gonna make her feel receptive to listening.

As to the rest, she obviously liked some things you brought to the table, likely some sense of stability etc., but it's also obvious there are other things she doesn't like about you. If you're assuming that her efforts to bring you in at times mean that she secretly wants to reunite, you're probably wrong. It's funny how women get the bad rap for overanalyzing things all the time, but this is a good example of man-analysis ....she probably just wants you near for the reasons that it seems like she wants you near - you provide some level of comfort or security for her. Not so complicated.

[Never_Accept_Defeat]

Jen I get what you are saying and no I do not talk to her in all caps. If anything I am the calm one in the whole thing and she actually got upset for a very long time that I would not join into the argument she was setting up. I told her life was far to short to fight with everyone about the small things and I would not take part. As far as the two claims not lining up I know what you are saying but again I cannot stress enough just how Serious I am about this. I would ask and she would ignore me and say "figure it out". As far as the "man" analysis goes I am not the only one seeing this nor is it all from men. I have had multiple people of both sexes validate that it is happening and know one understands it. I guess it is one of those things you need to see to understand. Also I am not a forceful person when it comes to her because this was one of the main discussion points before we even entered into a relationship as her ex husband would set at her work and watch her to make sure she wasn't cheating and then go home and beat on her for cheating and telling her to wear dark baggy clothing so she looked unattractive to other men. So the forceful thing never happened. Again if anything she would buck up and try to get "big" with me when she wanted her way. At which point I could only stare at her and wonder if she was serious.

All in all I am finding that by doing what I am right now and critiquing myself and being a finely tuned male, seems to be making her pay more attention as there is really nothing to look at in the "male market" where we live. Either pill heads or people living with momma and grandma. Every chance I get I make sure that I am listening to every word she says and matching it to her body language and actions to judge what is going on. Then relaying information from the conversation back to her to ensure that she knows I am hearing her and listening. Not that I ignored her before, but again I am a man and I need to pay more attention so that is what I am making sure she sees.

Don't worry I am not accusing any woman of over analyzing as in my studies I have found this to be far from true and that men are more that way. Women are typically the more emotionally responsive ones and men are standing around looking at all the details asking "why?". Again this is just from what I have found and is in no way a huge scientific study but it is from first hand knowledge by way of dating. And Lord help me I know not all men are analytical LOL actually there are a huge percentage that don't even seem to activate their brains. Probably why 95% of self help and relationship books are bought by women and the other 5% by men. Shocking, but at least I know I am trying and giving it my all.