[ashleyayn09]

I understand that this may be a little lengthy, but I'm in desperate need for help!

My boyfriend and I have been dating for roughly 9 months. I'm 22 and he's 26. This is my first sexual relationship, but he's had a few long-term relationships before me. As expected, the frequency of sex was higher than normal because of the new relationship, and I understand that. However, three or four months into it, it took a nose dive. He was in college and working, but as of a few weeks ago, he's a graduate with no additional stressers other than work. I used to think it was realistic for our age group to have sex 3-4 times a week. However, the feelings of rejection and feeling unattractive have lowered my drive significantly. Now, I'd be happy with just twice a week, but I'm struggling to get that second round in anymore. It bothers me to the point where I get so upset that I'm bawling my eyes out because I feel so ugly. Without fail, every time I get upset, I get sex.

I've tried talking to him about it. It's extremely difficult to get him to open up and talk to me about it. I've tried every which way to encourage him to give me some insight as to how I could help us out. What he HAS suggested is different timing, different perfumes/scents and different approaches, but to no avail. I've also tried pheromone scents, reading him the "physical touch" section of The Five Languages of Love, sex games, consulting friends and other women, talking to him about it, using toys during and in front of him, buying pretty underwear, trying to keep myself busy/away from him so I don't think about it, working out to cut on my hormone levels, etc. I had to start tallying a list to make sure I was trying different things. I've also tried tracking when we have sex to keep myself in check.

I'm panicking because he's my first love, and he's absolutely perfect in every way but this. I'm exhausted and utterly heartbroken. Maybe there really is nothing I can do but call it quits. I'm also worried this isn't a valid reason to break up with someone, even though its extremely distressing and I can't stop thinking about how he doesn't want me. I struggle to understand why he doesn't seem to think its an issue when I've even told him that if something doesn't change down the road, I won't be able to stay. If he claims that he'd do anything to make me happy, why won't he work with me on this issue?

Please help! ANYTHING is greatly appreciated. All I ask is that replies are kind and as helpful as possible. Thank you all!

[jen1447]

Hi Ashley, welcome. We're all kind and friendly here, so no worries. If anyone's mean to you, I'll beat them up!

First things first - just relax and be calm. Nothing here is the end of the world, and it's all pretty much in your control one way or another anyway. It'll be okay. Anytime you feel panicky, just take a few deep breaths - in through the nose, out through the mouth.

Okay better, so - you're not ugly. We often jump the gun when we feel rejected and make all kinds of baseless assumptions that we're inadequate in some way, but that's just not it. The whole concept of attractiveness in any truly objective form is really juvenile to begin with, so there's really no real-world standard that anyone's judged by. If he's actually doing that, he's got far bigger problems than you. I'll spare you the pep talks about repeating positive phrases over and over ....just believe me when I say you're perfectly fine.

You're doing the right things - communicating, trying to meet him in the middle, mixing up the sexual stuff, etc. Good for you, that show's your head's in the right place when it comes to knowing how to be in a relationship.

Don't panic. I'm curious to know, what would you envision your life being if you two split? Picture yourself six months down the line from there and tell me what you see - not from a pessimistic perspective but just a practical one (because we're nothing if we aren't practical, are we? ). Describe that Ashley to me.

[ashleyayn09]

Don't panic. I'm curious to know, what would you envision your life being if you two split? Picture yourself six months down the line from there and tell me what you see - not from a pessimistic perspective but just a practical one (because we're nothing if we aren't practical, are we? ). Describe that Ashley to me.

Realistically? If we split, I would probably still be a little sore from the breakup, but I know that I would heal and move on eventually. I would go back to doing the things I sort of stopped to devote time to the relationship (beginner's error, I know)- work, Zumba classes, volleyball, etc. I would get myself involved in things so I didn't think about what I lost, or how lost I might feel without him. I would be vain in saying that he doesn't add to my life significantly, because he does. He's given me a second family through getting to know his, he's given me more opportunities to meet people through his large social network, he's taken me to places and done things that I've never had the opportunity or person to do it with. Six months down the road I wouldn't have that anymore. I sort of understand what you're trying to get me to think, but I'm sort of confused also- I would heal eventually from the breakup, but I would lose a lot of great things I have now.

My thoughts to you are that if I'm this upset by it now, at nine months, and that I can't change somebody, that's its not going to get better. If he doesn't want it at 26, he's not going to want it anymore at 36 or 46. I'm afraid of getting myself into a situation with him (namely marriage, thinking it may get better after that) and not being able to get out, kicking myself for realizing that I should have trusted my feelings a long time ago. Any thoughts?

[jen1447]

Those sound like pretty valid conclusions, honestly. I think the bigger picture here tho hon is that 9 months is not a really long time. There are people in your shoes who have to face this same thing down after 10, 20+ year marriages. Also you're really better off playing the field at your age and with your level of experience. I don't mean ****ting it up, I mean dating other people, maybe even having other relationships. I think it's pretty rare that anybody happens to find their life partner in the first person they go out with.

In that sense, ending it with this guy, nice as he may be in some ways, is actually pretty far from a disaster.

[sweet-pea]

Hi, Ashley! I'm not sure if I can offer much help, but I do have a similar issue with my boyfriend. I am 22 and he is 28. We have been together over a year and at first we were insatiable when it came to our sex life. Since moving in together, things have cooled off quite a bit and at first I really felt like it was my fault. I felt undesirable and thought maybe he wasn't interested in me physically anymore.

It really put a wedge between us, especially since we were both unwilling to be open about it. Then one night, we got into an argument about it and he told me a lot. He said that while 28 doesn't sound that old, for men this is when things can start to decline a little bit. Hair loss, sex drive, etc. He told me that sometimes he has trouble "getting in the mood" and it makes him feel like less of a man so he doesn't want to talk about it. So instead of telling me the truth, he pushes me away so I don't want to pursue it further. He feels like a terrible boyfriend because he's not able to give me what I want. Maybe your boyfriend is not confronting the issue because he feels similarly.

As for ending the relationship, I think it's a valid reason to do so. Sex is an important aspect in a relationship and it's definitely more important to some than others. At the same time, this is something that happens in most relationships at some point. It "fizzles" as I like to say. And at that point you have to decide if you're really compatible with this person or not. I would just talk to him about it and stress how important it is to you. If he's not willing to at least try to open up, then maybe you have your answer. I hope that sharing my experience was at least a little helpful, if not comforting.

[effy2014]

Ashley --

I promise to be nice because I don't want Jen to beat me up.

You have taken the right (and only) path to trying to solve the problem. But there is a problem -- even if he cannot feel it or articulate it. It has nothing to do with perfume, timing or approaches. He is a 26 year old man and should want sex as many times a day as is possible. The last suggestion, and the only other one that makes sense, is that he go to therapy, figure it out and work on a solution. It could be what sweat-pea has found in her relationship . . . even if true, your BF needs to get beyond his aging and mortality and resume normal life. I get that some (including me) needs context for sex (I need to kiss and lick a bit), but not to the extreme.

The one thing I fail to understand is that most of the woman who complain about a bad sex life say "but he is perfect in every other way". Not working on an issue so important in a relationship that it makes your GF feel so unattractive and rejected that it brings her to tears is hardly perfect. Don't give up yet, keep working on it, but place the responsibility on him to resolve it. He needs the push to confront his demons. Oh, and by the way, relationships don't have to fizzle. Really. Some of us love to be intimate with our partners well into our 50s and 60s. If the relationship is great the sex will be great.

[ashleyayn09]

Hi everybody!

Thank you for all of your advice, it just makes me feel better about my decision. I actually broke up with him about two weeks ago. I'm just trying to sort out all my emotions at this point.

The breakup was so strange. When I did it, he was very calm (and I was expecting some sort of blow-out), and admitted that he saw I was unhappy for months, but that he got "too complacent and comfortable" with me. He admitted that he listened to me with deaf ears. When I asked him why he didn't chose to do anything about it if he saw my unhappiness, he merely re-mentioned just getting too comfortable. He didn't fight for me, he didn't try to argue with me r talk me out of it, he just said that he knew I deserved better and needed someone that wouldn't "trample and take advantage of my heart" like he did.

Even though I'm positive it was for the best and this means I'm just one step closer to finding the one I'm meant to be with, it hurts to not be fought for, especially when I feel like I gave it my all, have so much to offer and did everything I could to fix things :/ But I truly am thankful for all your guys' advice and support!

[ashleyayn09]

And towards the end I really did realize that he wasn't perfect in every other way. Ha! Funny to see that I posted that originally. In hindsight, he had a lot of other issues.

[DreamP346]

Good riddance. Better for you for walking away now than being miserable in an incompatible relationship.

[jen1447]

Yeah, you didn't really lose anything here, and you gained some perspective. Nicely done sister.