[stone25]

Hello,

I'm writing here because I'm starting to feel desperate and I don't want to lose my relationship. I've been with my girlfriend for 2 years now and we're living together since last summer. My problem is that I'm not sure what my lust towards her actually is. It's like I'm horny all day, but when I get home to her, I don't really want to have sex with her. I know this is a problem "upstairs" because the most important organ in sex is the brain, but I'm not sure what exactly is wrong. We are down to once a week, maybe less sometimes. When we do have sex, I actually finish rather soon and after that I lose interest in going again. We're both in our 20s so age is not a problem. She is hot, I like her (hence the early finishing) but apart from the fact that I hate cellulitis (which she slightly has) I can't think of anything that can cause this.

Any advice on what can I try to get things better in bed with her? I definitely do not want her to start cheating on me.

Thanks a lot,

Stone.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Stone I don't think she would cheat on you.

You now live together. I think that the dating game there is lust, living together you have to find that lust and not look at it as marriage.

I think that picking on a woman's body is not cool, "my opinion" we are not perfect no matter how much we try I had it in my 20's I didn't in my 30's, 40's I didn't train to get rid of it either it is as it is.

You need to love this woman and accept every part of her beautiful body you do to a degree but mentally I think you have images of expectations.

Love her for who she is, tell her all the time, feel it, smell it, breathe it.

Lust and love is what is awesome as a totality.

[effy2014]

Stone --

As you wrote, sex starts in the brain. Are there real issues in your relationship that bother you (aside from her cellulitis)? If there are, you need to make things right. CW is right, however. Hating any of her body issues is not a good start to a relationship.

What other intimacy do you share besides intercourse? Intimacy is a journey and each step along the way is to be savored. Kissing does it for me and my SO - no lovemaking session starts without lots and lots of it. Another way to get back the passion may be doing things just for her, like going down on her for the evening. Enjoy her taste and scent. A giving lover gets way more passion in return.

You can also spice things up ... There are lots of suggestions in other recent forum topics. Take the time and put in the effort.

[stone25]

Thanks for replying.

I can't really think about things like this...as "hating her body", but what if I don't love that scent, her flavor ? We seem to be compatible, I like spending time with her, we have a lot to talk about...well, at least we had. Now that we're living together, there's not much we can discuss because everything we do, we do together. I think there are deeper problems to this than I suspected. I start to believe that the "celulitis issue" is just something my brain (or I) came up with as some sort of excuse for the lack of lust. I'm having a hard time finding that lust and not looking at my relationship as a boring, dull marriage. We used to be more fun when we didn't live together and had more sex. But if I stay and think about it, it was very rarely that we had sex 2 or 3 times in a row. I'm really starting to wonder if perhaps I'm having some problems (different from the ones in my brain ) The sad fact is that I don't even think there is something that she can do about this. I think I might be losing my mind

In the end, I believe that all my other issues would be gone if the sex issues will be solved somehow. I need to find my motivation regarding this somehow...and for that I'd appreciate any help.

Thanks again for the replies.
Stone.

[effy2014]

There are several issues, but let's tackle the easy ones first. Lack of sex is rarely THE issue; it is a symptom of issues. Maybe you feel suffocated ie "everything we do we do together". Just because you live together doesn't mean you have to spend every waking moment with her. Maybe you are not sure she is the one for you because of other issues. You need to communicate with her -- really communicate how you are feeling and see if you can work things through. If you like to read, I suggest "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson on relationship communication.

I must say that I was shocked that two years into your relationship that you don't know your GF's taste and scent. Get down there man and discover the world of pleasure that awaits you and her. I believe that my SO's taste is what love tastes like. Get over your fear and you will see what a turn on it is to see your GF have explosive orgasms. And don't just be there for a few minutes and think you have accomplished anything. Savor her taste and enjoy the "task". Her juices will be the biggest turn on.

Here is another reading assignment -- "She Comes First" by Ian Kerner and The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus by Violet Blue. These are good beginner books. But always remember to listen to your woman. Her sounds, breathing and body motion will lead you to her promised land. Talk afterwards and get get feedback as to what worked and what didn't.

[jen1447]

You mention that you're "horny all day." Are you horny for her all day specifically, or just horny? If it's not her you're into (for whatever reason), that certainly explains why you don't exactly go wild at the thought of getting with her.

I think this is the point where a lot of guys take refuge in masturbation. You may still be horny and need to get off, but don't particularly want to with someone who's just become this somehwat random person, so ...

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You're horny all day but mentally you can't have sex with her because you know if you do you will cum quickly and it's over and you don't want to go again.

Do you feel intimidated that it's over so quick? And, as such you put the blame on her, it's her cellulite.

I am curious as well, "what if I don't like her flavour, scent". Has she asked you repeatedly to be intimate with her in that fashion and you've refused? So therefore, perhaps again you are blaming it mentally on her cellulite.

It does sound as if you are horny have a great sex drive, perhaps masturbate too much, know you are not going to make it the distance when inside your girlfriend because of it and therefore you are searching for an answer within the relationship instead of within yourself..

If that is not the case. Then, you are doing what a normal couple do, work together with chores and finances within a home, yet, not ready for commitment preferring lust and fun and sex, no commitment.

In my opinion.

Do you feel you know which seems to ring true for you?

[stone25]

Hey there,

*effy: thanks for the book suggestions, I'll try to make time to read on those, but I do know her flavor. The thing is that I don't really like it all that much.
*jen: thanks for the criticism, but that's not exactly why I'm posting my problems on this forum; or perhaps there's something I'm missing from your post
*cw: I do feel intimidated about the anxiety performance and it's like a loop that I can't seem to get out of. Also I do miss the lust and fun and sex without commitments that I had before being in a relationship. But I guess that's still the boy within me thinking, maybe I'm not mature enough..

Bottom line: thanks everyone for the posts, made me wonder and think about things. I believe the only thing left to do is to sit with her and talk about all these things, see if there's a good solution to our problems.
stone

[effy2014]

Good luck stone. Honest communication is the most thing a couple can do.

[stone25]

Thanks,

I talked to her yesterday and it went really well. I'm glad I didn't do anything stupid before talking to her. I believe we're gonna be alright and get over this and I feel we're a little closer now.

stone.