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The "Affair"

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  • The "Affair"

    Hi all!

    I am new to the forum, found this lovely place via Google, only because I feel like NO ONE understands me!

    Here is my story:

    I have been married for 10 years, my husband and I have a beautiful 5 year old daughter. He works for our local power company and his job requires a lot of time out of town and late nights. I have never been a jealous person, nor been concerned that he would ever cheat on me. He just wasn't that type.

    In February he took a storm trip, he was gone for about a week. This trip was different. He didn't call me much, he didn't keep me updated, and on Valentines day, I simply got a text that stated "Happy Anniversary, love you!" no phone call, nothing. My mind, for once in my marriage started to wander. He'd never treated me this way. So, when he returned home, after the curiosity got he best of me, I logged on to our cell phone account online and saw where he had been talking to someone from a long distance number (Still in the same state). There were 96 pages of this number listed, text messages, photo messages and phone calls, the text messages started on the 2nd (before he left) the rest started when he left for out of town. I confronted him about this. He told me that it was a male coworker that was going through a divorce and just needed some advice. That just didn't sit well with me because this same coworker was with him on the storm trip, however the phone calls continued. He continued to deny it for a few days, then I finally got the nerve to search the #. As soon as I saw the name, I was sick! It was a coworker, but not a male coworker, it was a female coworker. I confronted him with what I'd found and more excuses came, she was cousins with the male coworkers wife and maybe he obtained the new phone contract under her name etc. etc. he even went as far as to tell me that she was married and had 2 children of her own, and 2 step children and asked me why in the world he'd be talking to her. I finally broke down and told him to stop lying to me! He admitted it all, everything. They'd been having an emotional affair for a few weeks, she'd been sending him nude photos of herself. I was literally sick, I was working that day, I told him I was gathering some things and going to stay with my mom. That evening we talked, he told me that he wasn't happy with me anymore, listed all kinds of things that he thought I did wrong all these years, and he eventually told me that she made him happy and that he knew he loved me, but didn't know if he was in love with me anymore. He refused to leave her. I gave him his space, and two weeks later he told me he wanted a divorce. Here it is June, I'm still crying almost daily, they are still together. I have primary custody of my daughter he sees her every other weekend. Calls me once in a while to try to make small talk. I begged for us to try to make things work for our daughter, looking back now, and after reading posts, I know I should have never done that, but I feel as though it's so very important to profess my love for him. That's all I've ever done is love him unconditionally. I have lost interest in EVERYTHING. I feel my life has no meaning without him. I guess I got way to comfortable with the idea that he'd never leave me, because he loved me. This woman was married as well, 2 children with her current husband and 2 step. I am only 30! Never in a million years did I think I'd be here! We've been together since we were teenagers! My daughter has already met this woman, and her children! This literally rips my heart out! How can he be so sure of his love for this woman!?!?!? Just this week, I made the statement that I'd never compare myself to her because I was better than that, He told me that I'd never come off the bench compared to her, that she is so much better! Who says such hurtful things?!?!?! I feel like I'll never recover. It's been 4 MONTHS, and I feel like I've gotten literally nowhere! Advice appreciated!!!

    Much love!
    Last edited by Pneeleysmom; 06-04-2014, 11:19 AM.

  • Also, wanted to throw in there, to add to the hurt, that my mother in law deleted me from FB and added the new mistress! As well as my sister in law. She didn't delete me, but she did add this woman! I am still friends with my husband on FB, I'm starting to question that decision, but I want him to see me as happy as possible and that's most of the time what I show on social media!

    Comment


    • My heart goes out to you. This is a very crappy situation and he is a coward as well as a jerk. He should have told you that he was unhappy before he cheated and given you two the opportunity to make it right. Be glad you found out about him at 30 than at 40.

      That said, it is time to pick up the pieces and move forward. Here is the best piece of advice I can give to you -- find closure on your own and do not rely on him to help. My SO did this for years, needing then begging for answers. She found peace by talking it through in therapy. Consider it.

      As for your question, he hasn't a clue whether he is in love. My supposition is that he is getting more sex and she is not making any demands on him. It's too new a relationship. He is in lust and, to hide his own shame, he is blaming everything on you.

      I also understand the pain of having another mother figure in your daughters life. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it. Make sure that she is treating your daughter well. Put the open time to good use.

      I wish you all the best. Many of us have been there and I'm sure others will give you their perspective.
      "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

      Comment


      • Originally posted by Pneeleysmom View Post
        Also, wanted to throw in there, to add to the hurt, that my mother in law deleted me from FB and added the new mistress! As well as my sister in law. She didn't delete me, but she did add this woman! I am still friends with my husband on FB, I'm starting to question that decision, but I want him to see me as happy as possible and that's most of the time what I show on social media!
        Bad idea. Block him and the whole crew. You are just torturing yourself. Good riddance to the lot of them
        "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

        Comment


        • Sorry to hear your sad story, but not uncommon. Not at all uncommon either to feel all the emotions you are feeling.

          What is, perhaps, a bit uncommon is the hurtful things said. Sometimes people fall out of love and maintaining a relationship in which that has occurred is not serving anyone's interests too well. But it is hardly necessary to leave, saying how much better the other person is, etc. That kind of conduct is pathetic. Also the lying was opprobrious, particularly in its persistence. Know that you are better off without someone like that. You have realized, to your credit, that trying to maintain the pretense of a relationship for your daughter's sake would not be a good solution.

          You are still young. You have much time to find the love you deserve. Trite to say I know, but time is a great healer. Give yourself some time to grieve the loss of the relationship. It's part of the process and do not feel bad about doing so. But do not let it overwhelm you either. I'll not purport to fix a timetable and tell you you should pick yourself up and stop thinking about him by a certain date after the end of your relationship. Everyone is different.

          It WILL get better, I promise. Many (a large majority, I dare say) of us on this forum have been "dumped" at one time or another and felt all the hurt you do now. We all survived, got past the hurt, and found much better relationships. You will too.

          Btw, I am a guy, and I am sure some of the women here will have a few things to say, and offer some different perspectives, but I am confident none will say I am wrong.
          I do not grow old; if I stop growing, I am old.

          Comment


          • Originally posted by Baboy View Post
            Sorry to hear your sad story, but not uncommon. Not at all uncommon either to feel all the emotions you are feeling.

            What is, perhaps, a bit uncommon is the hurtful things said. Sometimes people fall out of love and maintaining a relationship in which that has occurred is not serving anyone's interests too well. But it is hardly necessary to leave, saying how much better the other person is, etc. That kind of conduct is pathetic. Also the lying was opprobrious, particularly in its persistence. Know that you are better off without someone like that. You have realized, to your credit, that trying to maintain the pretense of a relationship for your daughter's sake would not be a good solution.

            You are still young. You have much time to find the love you deserve. Trite to say I know, but time is a great healer. Give yourself some time to grieve the loss of the relationship. It's part of the process and do not feel bad about doing so. But do not let it overwhelm you either. I'll not purport to fix a timetable and tell you you should pick yourself up and stop thinking about him by a certain date after the end of your relationship. Everyone is different.

            It WILL get better, I promise. Many (a large majority, I dare say) of us on this forum have been "dumped" at one time or another and felt all the hurt you do now. We all survived, got past the hurt, and found much better relationships. You will too.

            Btw, I am a guy, and I am sure some of the women here will have a few things to say, and offer some different perspectives, but I am confident none will say I am wrong.

            I guess what caught me so off guard is while he knew he was doing this, when it first started, he was still kissing me goodnight every, single, night, and kissing me in the mornings and telling me he loved me before he left for work, calling me on his way home from work, wanting to have sex, etc. etc. The "I don't know if I still love you's" and the accusations started when I found out about the affair. I can't bare the thought of him not loving me anymore, and I find myself sitting for hours wondering if that's really true. This woman pushed herself in on him and the whole family, he fell for it. I know he's just as guilty. I just want him to feel regret and express regret! There is NO way this woman can be better that me, I mean really, she was sending naked pictures to a married man, and she, herself was married as well. She's sleeping at his house, with her kids, introduced them to him 3 weeks after I found out! UGH! I just don't know how I got here, in this place, comparing myself to another woman!

            Comment


            • I expected my post would be #2 in this thread, but, buy the time I finished typing, a few more intervened.

              effy is right. The guy might think he is in love, but lust is more likely. Don't be surprised if this hot new relationship burns itself out in short order.

              effy said to block your husband and the whole crew. Not a bad idea, although you're going to have to accept that your husband is still the father of your child. You're going to be forced to maintain some kind of relationship with him as parent. I would hope neither of you will seek to be vindictive and to exclude the other from the child's life. As well, it will not help the child to see animosity between separated parents.

              Resist the temptation to to speak of your husband in deprecating fashion in front of your daughter. Vent all you like here, but do not put the child in the position where, in order to keep you happy, she'll have to be seen as not liking her father. Similarly, when she is with him, I hope he'll have the good sense to keep to himself all he has decided is "wrong" with you. Breakups are hard on kids, particularly those of tender years. There's no need to compound it by open warfare between parents.

              In the fullness of time, exact sweet revenge on thus man by getting on with a life without him, in exemplary fashion. Be happy, in time find a new relationship, and make him regret losing you and treating you so shabbily.
              I do not grow old; if I stop growing, I am old.

              Comment


              • Things like this just have a way of making you feel like a crappy wife, and a crappy person in general. Rethinking every single thing in detail in the 15 years we've been together. What I possibly could have done differently, etc etc. He's a very hot tempered man, and there were times I'd think "Is this how my life is going to be forever" the name calling and rages from him over a simple disagreement. For some reason, now, I cannot see all that. All I can see is this wonderful man that's left me in shambles. Why do we always remember the best things about them when they always seem to remember, or bring out the worst things they think about us? I didn't do this! I would have never left him, never cheated on him! I loved him and still love him unconditionally, despite his behavior! It's a vicious cycle I've found myself in. Feeling worthless :/ and comments like the one he made this week, do not help the situation. There was nothing in our relationship that wasn't fixable, nothing outside of normal marriage issues, and when I tell him that, he says "Well, in 10 years we couldn't get it right, and now that I've found someone, you're telling me it can all magically be fixed?" I swear he makes it seem like it's all on my shoulders. I'm beginning to wonder if he's a narcissist!

                Comment


                • Don't waste time and emotion comparing yourself to "the other woman". You know you are on a higher plane and that you would never behave so shamefully as she has done. Be content in the knowledge of your superiority. I know it's hard to feel "superior" right now, when you are feeling broken. But you really are.
                  I do not grow old; if I stop growing, I am old.

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by Baboy View Post
                    I expected my post would be #2 in this thread, but, buy the time I finished typing, a few more intervened.

                    effy is right. The guy might think he is in love, but lust is more likely. Don't be surprised if this hot new relationship burns itself out in short order.

                    effy said to block your husband and the whole crew. Not a bad idea, although you're going to have to accept that your husband is still the father of your child. You're going to be forced to maintain some kind of relationship with him as parent. I would hope neither of you will seek to be vindictive and to exclude the other from the child's life. As well, it will not help the child to see animosity between separated parents.

                    Resist the temptation to to speak of your husband in deprecating fashion in front of your daughter. Vent all you like here, but do not put the child in the position where, in order to keep you happy, she'll have to be seen as not liking her father. Similarly, when she is with him, I hope he'll have the good sense to keep to himself all he has decided is "wrong" with you. Breakups are hard on kids, particularly those of tender years. There's no need to compound it by open warfare between parents.

                    In the fullness of time, exact sweet revenge on thus man by getting on with a life without him, in exemplary fashion. Be happy, in time find a new relationship, and make him regret losing you and treating you so shabbily.


                    Baboy,

                    I make sure to tell my daughter all the time how much her daddy loves her! I have told him on NUMEROUS occasions that I will never keep them apart. She needs her daddy! My husband's mother has been married 5 times and his dad was never a part of his life. So, my child, if I can help it, will not be raised that way! I am all about keeping a family together and working through issues as a couple to make things work. Apparently he isn't. The only time she's known much about what is going on is the night I left, her daddy told her that he'd done some bad things and that we were going to stay with gammy and pawpaw until we could get it all sorted out, and then one night he and I got in an argument on the phone and I ended up vomiting in the yard for a few hours. She wasn't outside, but knew I had been talking to him and came out when I was throwing up and potentially put two and two together. Other than that, I will never speak ill over her father in front of her.

                    Comment


                    • The feelings you're talking about are unavoidable, so don't worry too much that you're feeling them. It's basically a combination of severe anxiety and depression - understandable since your life's been turned upside down. The only comfort I can offer there is to say that it will get better. It always does. So just take your hits like a grown woman and keep going. It'll continue to be tough (to put it mildy) but you'll get thru it.

                      I've never been married/divorced but I went thru my required devastating breakup at a fairly young age and went thru the things you're going thru (minus the daughter). It lasted about 8 or 9 months like that before I started seeing thru the fog again. I don't know that you can use that as a measuring stick for your own issues, but the point is that most times there's a beginning and an end.

                      On the details and what to do (lol, always such a pointless question because nothing you do will fix you overnight, but anyway), I'd suggest remaining neutral on social media - don't block or unfriend anybody but don't pursue them either, and more importantly, don't try to project any sort of image. You are hurting, so let them deduce whatever they want. The only legit images you can project are honest ones, and the only one worth showing is living life well. That always 'gets' the other person. Trying to make them feel guilty or take responsibility is usually pointless, because it mainly just gives them fuel to try to justify what they did. ("Isn't she a drama queen? I'm glad I got out," etc.) But showing them you're moving on (when you truly are) and that you're happy leaves them with nothing negative to go on.

                      The big loser in all this in the end will be him, because chances are he's really not in love with this other woman (and she's not in love with him) and they have no real future. Lust masquerades as love really easily, and it's generally only the idiots of the world who buy into the bait and switch at his age and then fall flat. He'll get his on his own, no input needed from you. Kind of pathetic really.

                      Lastly, don't beat yourself up about anything you did or didn't do, or how you've acted til now since it happened. It's hard enough just trying to live day to day when you've got a toxic mixture of weird chemicals blowing around in your head that make you feel like you're on acid and have food poisoning and on your period all at the same time. Best you can do is get by, and the best you can do has to be good enough. Just focus on you and your daughter ....you've still got anchors in this world. You'll be okay.
                      [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

                      Comment


                      • Originally posted by Pneeleysmom View Post
                        This woman pushed herself in on him and the whole family, he fell for it. I know he's just as guilty. I just want him to feel regret and express regret! There is NO way this woman can be better that me, I mean really, she was sending naked pictures to a married man, and she, herself was married as well. She's sleeping at his house, with her kids, introduced them to him 3 weeks after I found out! UGH!!
                        This is what I meant by not relying on him to,give you closure. You want him to tell,you that you were a good wife and mother . . . that he somehow went crazy . . . and he regrets what he did to you. He should. You were. Unfortunately, he is not and may never be at the emotional place to do that. Why? That would be admitting responsibility. His conduct this far indicates that he feels better blaming you. If you need him for closure, it will drive you crazy.
                        "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

                        Comment


                        • Originally posted by Pneeleysmom View Post
                          There was nothing in our relationship that wasn't fixable, nothing outside of normal marriage issues, and when I tell him that, he says "Well, in 10 years we couldn't get it right, and now that I've found someone, you're telling me it can all magically be fixed?
                          That's not what I am saying at all and I think you know it. It's doubtful it can be fixed, by magic or otherwise. It sounds irretrievably broken. It's possible for a relationship to recover from an affair, but it's not easy, and certainly only as a product of earnestness and goodwill on both sides, not as a product of magic. Here, as I understand it, your husband has made it quite clear that he has no interest in attempting to fix things. At least now now, while he's experiencing the temporary euphoria of his new situation.

                          I have seen the advice given, in situations like yours, that you should remain on the sidelines for a year, or even more, to see if the guy comes to his senses and asks to come home. Not for me to say whether that's something you should or should not do.

                          The principal import of what I had to say, was not to pin hopes on a magic fix, but to recognize that this acute phase will pass, the intense hurt will diminish, you'll start to find days when you wake up thinking about things other than this whole mess and you'll even find yourself smiling again.
                          I do not grow old; if I stop growing, I am old.

                          Comment


                          • Originally posted by Baboy View Post
                            That's not what I am saying at all and I think you know it. It's doubtful it can be fixed, by magic or otherwise. It sounds irretrievably broken. It's possible for a relationship to recover from an affair, but it's not easy, and certainly only as a product of earnestness and goodwill on both sides, not as a product of magic. Here, as I understand it, your husband has made it quite clear that he has no interest in attempting to fix things. At least now now, while he's experiencing the temporary euphoria of his new situation.

                            I have seen the advice given, in situations like yours, that you should remain on the sidelines for a year, or even more, to see if the guy comes to his senses and asks to come home. Not for me to say whether that's something you should or should not do.

                            The principal import of what I had to say, was not to pin hopes on a magic fix, but to recognize that this acute phase will pass, the intense hurt will diminish, you'll start to find days when you wake up thinking about things other than this whole mess and you'll even find yourself smiling again.

                            Baboy,

                            I got you completely! I was just putting those statements in there. Everything you've said makes absolute, perfect sense!

                            Comment


                            • Originally posted by Pneeleysmom
                              This was my last post on social media, was this a no no?
                              No worries, it's fine. Just don't make a point of writing manifestos about your situation and love and the unfairness of the world on Facebook - it just looks needy. If I were you (and this is the only lie I'll ever encourage you to tell), I'd follow that up with something completely benign and unrelated but believable - you had car trouble today or something like that. That will give the impression your focus is elsewhere. Then leave it at that. Post stuff you normally would in days to come and don't wear your emotions on your sleeve. If friends try to comfort you, say thanks and tell them it's tough but you're okay.

                              You need to vent tho in a major way, so please do that here. Say every nasty, mean, angry, sad, pitiful, brave, heartbroken thing you can think of and don't pull any punches. People here are great. The guys - like guys everywhere - will try to solve your problems but their hearts are in the right place and they're also pretty good listeners just like us. So focus on purging yourself of all that filth for now. That's kind of what this board is here for.

                              I'll start for you - your husband is a total ********ing ****** hole.

                              p.s.- love your avatar btw - you're so pretty. Trust me, you won't have any problems getting a new man when the time is right.
                              [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

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