[jen1447]

The feelings you're talking about are unavoidable, so don't worry too much that you're feeling them. It's basically a combination of severe anxiety and depression - understandable since your life's been turned upside down. The only comfort I can offer there is to say that it will get better. It always does. So just take your hits like a grown woman and keep going. It'll continue to be tough (to put it mildy) but you'll get thru it.

I've never been married/divorced but I went thru my required devastating breakup at a fairly young age and went thru the things you're going thru (minus the daughter). It lasted about 8 or 9 months like that before I started seeing thru the fog again. I don't know that you can use that as a measuring stick for your own issues, but the point is that most times there's a beginning and an end.

On the details and what to do (lol, always such a pointless question because nothing you do will fix you overnight, but anyway), I'd suggest remaining neutral on social media - don't block or unfriend anybody but don't pursue them either, and more importantly, don't try to project any sort of image. You are hurting, so let them deduce whatever they want. The only legit images you can project are honest ones, and the only one worth showing is living life well. That always 'gets' the other person. Trying to make them feel guilty or take responsibility is usually pointless, because it mainly just gives them fuel to try to justify what they did. ("Isn't she a drama queen? I'm glad I got out," etc.) But showing them you're moving on (when you truly are) and that you're happy leaves them with nothing negative to go on.

The big loser in all this in the end will be him, because chances are he's really not in love with this other woman (and she's not in love with him) and they have no real future. Lust masquerades as love really easily, and it's generally only the idiots of the world who buy into the bait and switch at his age and then fall flat. He'll get his on his own, no input needed from you. Kind of pathetic really.

Lastly, don't beat yourself up about anything you did or didn't do, or how you've acted til now since it happened. It's hard enough just trying to live day to day when you've got a toxic mixture of weird chemicals blowing around in your head that make you feel like you're on acid and have food poisoning and on your period all at the same time. Best you can do is get by, and the best you can do has to be good enough. Just focus on you and your daughter ....you've still got anchors in this world. You'll be okay.

[effy2014]

This woman pushed herself in on him and the whole family, he fell for it. I know he's just as guilty. I just want him to feel regret and express regret! There is NO way this woman can be better that me, I mean really, she was sending naked pictures to a married man, and she, herself was married as well. She's sleeping at his house, with her kids, introduced them to him 3 weeks after I found out! UGH!!

This is what I meant by not relying on him to,give you closure. You want him to tell,you that you were a good wife and mother . . . that he somehow went crazy . . . and he regrets what he did to you. He should. You were. Unfortunately, he is not and may never be at the emotional place to do that. Why? That would be admitting responsibility. His conduct this far indicates that he feels better blaming you. If you need him for closure, it will drive you crazy.

[Baboy]

There was nothing in our relationship that wasn't fixable, nothing outside of normal marriage issues, and when I tell him that, he says "Well, in 10 years we couldn't get it right, and now that I've found someone, you're telling me it can all magically be fixed?

That's not what I am saying at all and I think you know it. It's doubtful it can be fixed, by magic or otherwise. It sounds irretrievably broken. It's possible for a relationship to recover from an affair, but it's not easy, and certainly only as a product of earnestness and goodwill on both sides, not as a product of magic. Here, as I understand it, your husband has made it quite clear that he has no interest in attempting to fix things. At least now now, while he's experiencing the temporary euphoria of his new situation.

I have seen the advice given, in situations like yours, that you should remain on the sidelines for a year, or even more, to see if the guy comes to his senses and asks to come home. Not for me to say whether that's something you should or should not do.

The principal import of what I had to say, was not to pin hopes on a magic fix, but to recognize that this acute phase will pass, the intense hurt will diminish, you'll start to find days when you wake up thinking about things other than this whole mess and you'll even find yourself smiling again.

[Pneeleysmom]

That's not what I am saying at all and I think you know it. It's doubtful it can be fixed, by magic or otherwise. It sounds irretrievably broken. It's possible for a relationship to recover from an affair, but it's not easy, and certainly only as a product of earnestness and goodwill on both sides, not as a product of magic. Here, as I understand it, your husband has made it quite clear that he has no interest in attempting to fix things. At least now now, while he's experiencing the temporary euphoria of his new situation.

I have seen the advice given, in situations like yours, that you should remain on the sidelines for a year, or even more, to see if the guy comes to his senses and asks to come home. Not for me to say whether that's something you should or should not do.

The principal import of what I had to say, was not to pin hopes on a magic fix, but to recognize that this acute phase will pass, the intense hurt will diminish, you'll start to find days when you wake up thinking about things other than this whole mess and you'll even find yourself smiling again.

Baboy,

I got you completely! I was just putting those statements in there. Everything you've said makes absolute, perfect sense!

[jen1447]

This was my last post on social media, was this a no no?

No worries, it's fine. Just don't make a point of writing manifestos about your situation and love and the unfairness of the world on Facebook - it just looks needy. If I were you (and this is the only lie I'll ever encourage you to tell), I'd follow that up with something completely benign and unrelated but believable - you had car trouble today or something like that. That will give the impression your focus is elsewhere. Then leave it at that. Post stuff you normally would in days to come and don't wear your emotions on your sleeve. If friends try to comfort you, say thanks and tell them it's tough but you're okay.

You need to vent tho in a major way, so please do that here. Say every nasty, mean, angry, sad, pitiful, brave, heartbroken thing you can think of and don't pull any punches. People here are great. The guys - like guys everywhere - will try to solve your problems but their hearts are in the right place and they're also pretty good listeners just like us. So focus on purging yourself of all that filth for now. That's kind of what this board is here for.

I'll start for you - your husband is a total ****ing *** hole.

p.s.- love your avatar btw - you're so pretty. Trust me, you won't have any problems getting a new man when the time is right.

[Baboy]

That's why I said "I think you know it". Your thinking might not be the clearest in this time of crisis, but you come across as being no fool! (note to self: How could I say otherwise about someone who says I make perfect sense?)

All the best Pneeleysmom, you'll be fine. And now you have found WH. Lots of good people and advice here.

[effy2014]

People here are great. The guys - like guys everywhere - will try to solve your problems but their hearts are in the right place and they're also pretty good listeners just like us. So focus on purging yourself of all that filth for now. That's kind of what this board is here for. .

Yes, I usually flunk the "I just wanted you to listen not solve my problems" distinction in every relationship I've ever had. But geez, Jen, she did ask for help .....

[rcoreyus]

I am very sorry this happened to you. I in no way want to minimize how badly you are feeling, but I think you should also look at the positive:

To put it simply, he is a BAD person. I could possible understand someone falling in love with a different person but there is NEVER an excuse to be in any way cruel the the person you love, even if your feelings have faded.

So, you have been living with a bad person for 10 years, you just didn't know it. You are young; I'm over 50, and like most people my age would love to be 30 again. There is plenty of time to fall in love again, this time with someone who deserves your love.

As far as how he has treated you, His behavior shows what sort of person he is, and knowing that, his opinion of you doesn't matter. He does not deserve the right to judge you.

You loved him and trusted him - and that is all to your credit. It is good to love unconditionally. Sometimes awful people will take advantage of that, but even so I think it is still better to love and trust. You will find someone who deserves you.

So my suggestions:
Its normal to be really upset and and angry - you have every right. Don't lower yourself to his level by attacking him. Don't argue / post on social media or anything - again he isn't worth it. Let your daughter see him, and do your very best to be polite and friendly when she does. Show him that you didn't NEED him. You gave him love and he threw it away. It is his loss, not yours. When his current relationship falls apart - as it almost inevitably will, don't take him back.

Are there any serious practical issues - money etc that you need to worry about, or are you OK?

[Baboy]

I see that, in my unbridled haste to attempt to solve all your problems, I forgot my manners. I believe your initial post to which I responded was your first here on WH. Welcome to the forum!

[Pneeleysmom]

I am very sorry this happened to you. I in no way want to minimize how badly you are feeling, but I think you should also look at the positive:

To put it simply, he is a BAD person. I could possible understand someone falling in love with a different person but the tis NEVER an excuse to be in any way cruel the the person you love, even if your feelings have faded.

So, you have been living with a bad person for 10 years, you just didn't know it. You are young; I'm over 50, and like most people my age would love to be 30 again. There is plenty of time to fall in love again, this time with someone who deserves your love.

As far as how he has treated you, His behavior shows what sort of person he is, and knowing that, his opinion of you doesn't matter. He does not deserve the right to judge you.

You loved him and trusted him - and that is all to your credit. It is good to love unconditionally. Sometimes awful people will take advantage of that, but even so I think it is still better to love and trust. You will find someone who deserves you.

So my suggestions:
Its normal to be really upset and and angry - you have every right. Don't lower yourself to his level by attacking him. Don't argue / post on social media or anything - again he isn't worth it. Let your daughter see him, and do your very best to be polite and friendly when she does. Show him that you didn't NEED him. You gave him love and he threw it away. It is his loss, not yours. When his current relationship falls apart - as it almost inevitably will, don't take him back.

Are there any serious practical issues - money etc that you need to worry about, or are you OK?

I have moved in with my parents, he was giving me money to help out with our daughter, but hasn't done that in 2 months. It's tough, but I'm making it. He makes 4x my salary and he's blowing every penny on this new woman trying to impress her, feeding her kids, cooking steak dinners etc. the divorce isn't final, I agreed to do in uncontested to save me some heartache. He will be responsible for $800 a month child support at that time.