[Chan]

I have been with my fella for near on 10 years. I was very young when we met (he is 16 years older) and I was going through a very hard time. He was there for me when no one else was, without asking for anything in return. As an admiring 21 year old on the rebound I thought I had fallen in love with him so we began dating.

Even in the very early months of our relationship, the sexual side of things felt forced, for me anyway. I felt like it was something I, as a girlfriend, SHOULD be doing, rather than something I wanted to be. He is not my type at all physically. I can’t remember one sexual encounter with him where I wasn’t thinking “Ok, let’s get this over with”.

As the years have gone on I’ve come to realise that as much as I love being with him, the moment he touches me intimately, I am repulsed. My feelings for him are purely platonic and possibly always have been. We just 6 months ago bought an apartment together, on a 30 year lease. A brainless decision on my part, knowing that even before we purchased I was unsure about the relationship. I have always had major issues with expressing my true feelings to people; I would rather live a lie to keep them happy than tell them the truth and break their heart. Ironically I know, in the end, this is hurting them (and me) a whole lot more. He loves me SO much and I do love him too, just not in the way I know I should.

I want to cry every time someone says “Why don’t you try spicing things up?”. They DON’T GET that it’s impossible to spice something up that was never there in the first place.

I see now that what I thought was love was really admiration and gratitude and that we should have never gone further than being friends (we were GREAT friends), but being a dependent serial monogamist back then, I jumped straight in.

He has made me the person I am and I feel indebted to him. I can’t imagine my life without him but I don’t want to be his girlfriend anymore. I don’t know what the hell to do. They say being with your best friend is amazing, but is it… really? When they are literally JUST your best FRIEND?

[jns]

So now you are 31 and he is 47. Do you respond while having sex such as having orgasms or at least enjoy it and start moaning? Have you ever? I think not by your statement of wanting to get it over. Has he tried to look after your pleasure? The reason I inquire is that even if you started out considering him not your type, you may have shifted your ideals if he was able to bring you sexual pleasure.

As for creating a break, there is no way to do it without breaking his heart. Without creating a break you will continue to feel unfulfilled. The question is what do you want to do? If you decide to stay, you should examine why you never physically fell in love with him and determine what could possibly be fixed.

What about him do you find physically repulsive when it comes to sex?

[Chan]

The question is what do you want to do?

Honestly, I want him in my life but not as my partner. I know there is a 99% chance that won’t happen. Before him I also jumped from relationship to relationship and have never been alone my entire adult life. I just want to be on my own.

What about him do you find physically repulsive when it comes to sex?

Sex with him is awful. He is obesely overweight (I stay in shape), terribly endowed and makes NO noise at all. I feel like I am there on my own. Any moaning I’ve done has been purely brought on by closing my eyes and picturing someone else in his place. I know I sound like a horrible person but I'm just being honest. He seems to think he is a wonderful lover (based on what he’s told me exes have told him) but I don’t enjoy it at all.

I’m SO confused. Half the people I talk to tell me I have a good man and not to let him go, the other half tell me if I’m genuinely not happy, I shouldn’t stay just because I’m terrified I’ll never find another good man. Some tell me sex isn’t important compared to the bond we have, but my God I miss intimacy. Passion. Wanting and being wanted. I can’t even remember what it feels like.

[jns]

It sounds to me that he has made no effort to see to your pleasures. Has he tried oral on you or fingering?

Has he been obese the whole time?

How poorly is he endowed? Would his being better endowed somehow make up for the other negatives? Would him talking make it better?

[jen1447]

I'm in the get out camp, that's just no place to be. You obviously know him and we don't, but just a thought - don't underestimate him. I'm sure it would break his heart, but if he's the guy who so selflessly gave to you in the beginning, he just might do that again now when he sees what the truth is and let you go.

You're not wrong to want to be fulfilled sexually. You're not wrong to want a romantic partner to go thru life with rather than just a friend. And you're not wrong to look after your own needs first and foremost, and to do what has to be done if you're sure this is it. Like you said, you doing no one - him or you - any favors by hanging on under false pretenses.

[Chan]

It sounds to me that he has made no effort to see to your pleasures. Has he tried oral on you or fingering?

Has he been obese the whole time?

How poorly is he endowed? Would his being better endowed somehow make up for the other negatives? Would him talking make it better?

Yeah… as much as I’m sure you’re trying to help, and I appreciate it, you’re missing the point.

I am not attracted to him.

At all.

In fact just reading what you’ve suggested makes me cringe when I imagine him doing those things to me. It's like my older brother doing it.

I know it is hard to understand how I can be in a relationship for a decade without any physical attraction, but why does anyone stay in a relationship longer than they should?

Comfort? Security? Dependancy? All of the above for me. You just… deal with it sometimes. My childhood wasn't the best; my parents were alcoholics who constantly told me I was worthless. My father in particular. Some things just stick with you.

He has always been big but it has increased 10 fold over the past 10 years AND each year he promises to get fit but never does. Not only the sex stuff, but that also means no beach, pool parties… any outdoor activities because he is embarrassed by his body. Summer is wasted every year. I think that has made me resentful too.

If I try and help I am called a “nag” so I just watch him eat pizza and ice cream for dinner every night.

I’m more interested in finding out whether anyone here has been in a similar situation rather than looking for advice… I feel very alone…

[Chan]

I'm in the get out camp, that's just no place to be. You obviously know him and we don't, but just a thought - don't underestimate him. I'm sure it would break his heart, but if he's the guy who so selflessly gave to you in the beginning, he just might do that again now when he sees what the truth is and let you go.

You're not wrong to want to be fulfilled sexually. You're not wrong to want a romantic partner to go thru life with rather than just a friend. And you're not wrong to look after your own needs first and foremost, and to do what has to be done if you're sure this is it. Like you said, you doing no one - him or you - any favors by hanging on under false pretenses.

Thank you. :')

[jns]

Chan, if you are saying that it was always like being with your older brother, then I am at a loss to understand why you started the relationship in the first place. Its best to get out now.

[Chan]

Chan, if you are saying that it was always like being with your older brother, then I am at a loss to understand why you started the relationship in the first place. Its best to get out now.

Some people find it easy/necessary to hurt/be honest with others for the sake of their own happiness.

I find this incredibly difficult.

For a huge chunk of my life I have lived in unhappiness so others could be happy. I have stayed in situations I was miserable in so as to not hurt others. I have always put myself last.

The moment I realised I felt this way about him I know I should have broken it off. But I didn't. The amount of times I have opened my mouth to say "It's over" and chickened out, you wouldn't believe. But I haven't. I realise this is a personal issue I need help with.

[effy2014]

There is really no choice to be made here. You are staying in a relationship to pay a debt that you think is owed . . . that is not the basis of any sound relationship. If you thought that you could be in a relationship if he lost weight, then I might have different suggestions.

You need to change your entire outlook on you. My only suggestion is to go into therapy and learn that you have to live your life for you. You will eventually tell him the truth and it will hurt him to the core. But sometimes that is the price for your happiness. Best of luck.