[jns]

By agreeing to the agreement you two came to, you misled yourself and your ex misled you. Since he turned everything around in two weeks, I somehow think that his path was planned. Just my opinion.

[effy2014]

My question is, am I just overthinking this? Am I wrong to feel so angry and betrayed, or am I just butthurt (at the very essence, all other facts aside) that he moved on so quickly without a care what I thought? Am I taking it too far and over reacting? Does he deserve this / is what he did exactly wrong? I want to talk to him, but there's this voice that just keeps saying he doesn't care, even though I know he still wants to be friends. Should I talk to him? Just as friends, I won't try and get him back or anything. UGH, I'm so lost.

In my view, you "under thought" the breakup and made an "after breakup" plan that was unrealistic. Just as most guys don't understand women, you don't understand guys. It's not your fault, you are just very young. You made the decision to break up . . . which you never really wanted to do . . . and then immediately began to backslide. There may have been an agreement that the two of you wouldn't date again, but there doesn't appear to be an agreement than neither of you wouldn't find other partners.

Let me give you the guys perspective. I think he followed your lead. You were certain the breakup was the right thing to do and he agreed. After the breakup, he is alone. The breakup was just as hard on him as it was on you. But the romantic relationship with you is over for him. Done. You said so. No dating you again, just best friends.

You wanted him to be like you . . . so distraught that he couldn't think about another girl but you for months, even years. Anything less would be a betrayal to what you had. Guys don't think that way. As a generalization, we believe that the best way to get over a relationship is to have another one. Quickly. He never thought of it as a betrayal because the two of you were done. He saw the clean break that you didn't and assumed he was free to do anything he wanted. When you wigged out, he must have thought that you were the most irrational person in the world. You didn't want him but you also didn't want him to want someone else. Any guy would say "huh" ?

A relationship fell into his lap and he didn't want to be alone. Simple as that. If you had told him BEFORE the breakup that you wanted to try a LDR, he would have agreed. But you didn't. Then you did. He properly feared another "then you didn't".

This is a great learning experience, as hurtful as it is emotionally. Guys don't react the way you want us to. Set us free, we look for someone else because we hate to be alone. It's not a reflection on you or the relationship or not caring. It's how we are constructed.

[sillyandconfused]

Effy - Hm, thanks for giving me the guy's perspective. Although he explained to me very clearly everything, I think I was too emotional and biased to see how he felt rationally. Although I wasn't exactly certain "the breakup was the right thing to do", it was the choice we came to mutually. He told me he consciously pushed himself to move on after I got mad at him, and he realized there was little chance we'd stay friends, so he decided to continue talking with her. So what you said makes sense - he got it into his head better than I did that we're done. Completely. But that last part, you said I didn't want him but I didn't want him to want someone else - the thing is, I DID want him. He knew I wanted him and would take him back. But I guess he just moved on very quickly. Add in me freaking out at him over this girl, and he probably was like "Woah, I need to get out of here"

And yeah, I guess the timing just sucked. This girl came along right after we broke up. It was a fresh start for him, and this girl was really down for LDR, which surprised him. I guess even though he's never been the biggest fan of LDR, the girl's willingness convinced him too.

But thank you your advice (and everyone else's) has really helped so far <3 I think I'm beginning to see more than it's not so much him not caring about me or tossing me aside, and I need to try to stop being bitter and caught up that he is with someone else even though we broke up so he could leave easier. it's just that we were done, he made himself move on quicker than I did, and this opportunity came along. Whew. My head's a lot clearer, thank you <3

Question, do you think it's a good idea for me to talk to him and try being friends again once I gather myself? When we first broke up both of us were super down to still be close. I still want him in my life, even if it's just as friends. When he told me the news they were dating, he still told me he hoped we could be friends. Do you think he meant that and that he still wants to be friends after this? There's one thing - the mean things I said to him when I found out they were really close. I've apologized, but to make sure, do you think everything will be okay? (I"ll sincerely apologize again just to make sure)

[sillyandconfused]

Gah, one more thing. Besides the fact that I feel betrayed because he moved on so fast, I also feel betrayed because we broke up because he's leaving, yet he's with another girl. I know this wasn't planned like JNS suggested, he only met this girl after we broke up. But I keep regretting not choosing to date over summer or do LDR, because it feels like we broke up for no reason. How do I shake these feelings, it's also what's killing me D:

[effy2014]

Gah, one more thing. Besides the fact that I feel betrayed because he moved on so fast, I also feel betrayed because we broke up because he's leaving, yet he's with another girl. I know this wasn't planned like JNS suggested, he only met this girl after we broke up. But I keep regretting not choosing to date over summer or do LDR, because it feels like we broke up for no reason. How do I shake these feelings, it's also what's killing me D:

The facts have not changed. If you do not have the funds to travel frequently, it is almost impossible to have an LDR. I have little doubt that your ex and his new GF will break up shortly after the move. He seems to need a physical presence in his life and skyping can only go so far.

So, while you probably broke up too soon, it was not "for no reason". It was a good reason. You are only questioning it because of the new girl, not because you now believe an LDR is more realistic.

[effy2014]

Question, do you think it's a good idea for me to talk to him and try being friends again once I gather myself? When we first broke up both of us were super down to still be close. I still want him in my life, even if it's just as friends. When he told me the news they were dating, he still told me he hoped we could be friends. Do you think he meant that and that he still wants to be friends after this? There's one thing - the mean things I said to him when I found out they were really close. I've apologized, but to make sure, do you think everything will be okay? (I"ll sincerely apologize again just to make sure)

You have to remember, once you two broke up, everything from then on was tainted by the breakup. You may have wanted him back, but he knew that you could change your mind again.

Can you be friends? I think he would be fine with it. His new GF would hate it. The real question is can you handle it without getting too emotional or would it prevent you from moving on because you still want him? Those are issues you need to ponder.

[jen1447]

Hey S&C, I'm coming in late on this so I'll comment on the wrap-up ....

Closure = resolution = answers. It's not just a "good luck" conversation. Part of the reason you feel bad right now is that you don't know what happened and what's going on. It sounds like he's open to communicating and being friendly, so you have the opportunity to get those answers. I'd approach him with an apology for insulting him and then tell him you'd like to have a very frank and honest wrap-up talk, and then cover the whys over all the uncertainty you still have. Just ask him for the answers, and give him any answers he may want. Make good on the pledge to be friendly and resist the urge to punish him at all, and then do continue to talk in the future as friends - if it turns out you both actually want that. In my experience, exes don't make the greatest friends in the long term, so chances are you'll both stay friendly for a while, then friend-like, then eventually drift apart, but by that point you'll be okay with that. The answers will make it okay in the short term (and you'll stop feeling all the right-now uncertainty and anxiety), and nature will take care of your healing in the long term.

[lollygag]

Its hard to let someone go. I know it is... But being depressed and sad isn't going to make your life any better. You have to remember the good times and be grateful for the time you two did have together, not dwell on what could have been...
It is sad that you guys didn' give it a go... I was in the same position with my boyfriend a few years back, we had to spend 13 months apart, 6,000 miles of distance and we saw each other once. If you want something, you fight for it. If he wasn't willing to fight then you know it wasn't Worth it.
You said you care more than he does... You can't make someone your main thought and priority if you know you're not theirs.. all it does is hurt. You should pick up a hobby or do things to get your mind off of him..
Its hard, butyou can do it.
Be strong!

[ChristinaHedge]

I really think that when people split up then that is the end of the relationship. It is not a standby or a laybuy. Nor is there a barring from the other party to do anything. There is no more binding of the two people. I know it is painful. But you and he split up. It may have been right or wrong (I think it was the right thing to do). He does not owe you to not date. You do not have this hold on him. He cannot expect this of you either.
I think you are not wanting him to feel better about things than you. You want his heart to hurt as much as yours (or maybe more).
I think that perhaps you were not prepared to be with him, but do not to be without him either.
I think it is time to let him go and wish him well. If he was a good person he deserves happiness. I think you need to go out and find some happiness yourself. I think you deserve it too.