[Seralynn]

I'm finally sick of myself and my attitude. It's taken me long enough; I'm 26 now. I'm tired of constantly fighting with people, of inciting drama, evoking sympathy, of viewing everything said to me as a slight.

I always feel ashamed of how I acted afterwards. I can't seem to stop myself, though. My temper flares, and I just don't shut up. Sometimes I'm aware of the fact that I need to close my mouth. Other times, I'm vaguely aware of the fact that I'll regret an outburst later, but I feel so enraged and so sure of the fact that I'm right that I can't seem to stop myself.

Is there some step by step program I can follow? That would be nice. Has anyone else ever changed an aspect of their personality that they don't like with success? I see myself growing into a lonely, bitter old woman at the rate I'm going. Any advice would be very much appreciated.

[Claret]

Can you pin point when this started? Was it in reaction to something done or said to you that would cause this type of outburst? Many times our filters get cross-wired and it becomes just a habit to lash out or it can be in reaction to you feelings of people not taking you seriously.

I think there are ways of determining what's going on, you'd probably first have to rule out some physical reason, then work on the psychological reason for you responding in ways you do. The good news is that you recognize things as being inappropriate at times and want to work on it. I'd hate to say see a therapist as it sounds so trite and typical but it may be the fastest way to get to the bottom of things and learn new coping skills to overcome this.

[Rob1]

Ha.....My Mother used to tell me, "Nothing exposes an empty head quicker than an open mouth." She also said, "You never learn anything when you are talking unless you are asking questions." Also, "you can't win a ****ing contest with an idiot." I was guilty of all of them until I reached around 30.

Choose your battles! Some are worth fighting and some are a waste of your time and others. Only get upset over the things you can change and in most cases that's very few.

Good luck....counseling might help!

[atskitty2]

You have the self-awareness & distaste for your actions-you're already on the right track. You indicate an inability to control it however, so I think that you either need to try harder or try a different approach, or to seek out the advice of a professional to get to the root of it, so that you can address this need for drama & eliminate the negative ways you're accomplishing it.

It isn't going to be easy, and there's really no "program" that corrects it. It just takes hard work, putting effort into it every day and being aware of yourself, which you're already working on. Sometimes a counselor can give us tools to not just understand ourselves better, but to help us change an unwanted behavior, and that's where their skills are useful. It isn't that there's something wrong with you, you just need some new tools in the tool box. Good luck, keep us posted.

[effy2014]

Another thought is that the uncontrollable lashing out is a symptom of high anxiety or depression. If the issue is physiological, depression or anxiety meds might help. I suggest that you get evaluated to determine whether you need help to understand why you react the way you do (and can then work out behavioral modification approaches with a therapist) or whether there is more going on.

As Claret and Kitty have written, it is great that you are aware of your issue and understand the need for change. Best of luck to you.

[Seralynn]

Thank you for all the responses. As for pinpointing exactly when and where it started, as far as I can remember, I've always been like this. I've always had a sharp tongue and I've lashed out at almost everyone in my life at some point or another.

When I was young, I used to give a running commentary to my parents of all their flaws and bad decisions. When I was 9 or 10, I remember once my dad had to pull over and walk away from the car to cool down. My mom told me I was lucky he didn't leave us. Another time I kept going back and forth with him and I slammed the door in his face and I heard him telling my mom what a b----- I was and her telling him not to speak about me that way.

I have a friend who I always argue with and we never seem to get along. A little while ago, we were actually having a good time and he said "you know you could be really cool if you weren't such a b-------, right?"

I've been told by more than one guy that that's why no one will date me, too. I've had some guys here and there show interest, but I tend to be far meaner and more disdainful towards guys that show interest than I am to the ones that are taken or don't, and that is saying something. I guess it's because I feel like if they show interest in me, their tastes must not be very discerning, so they are not worthy of respect. Kind of backwards thinking, I know.

Well, regardless of how or why I am what I am, I guess you all are right that there's no program I can follow to get a better personality. I just feel trapped and I don't like myself or my own company because of how mean and nasty I am to everyone.

I have only a distant relationship with my family, I've never had a friend for longer than a few months or so, I've never had a steady boyfriend (I've had fwb that I eventually end up fighting with), and I'm lazy and generally not talented. I live a comfortable life, so I feel like I shouldn't complain, but sometimes I don't know why I continue on. It all seems meaningless if I can't form a relationship with anyone.

[Claret]

What is it you are afraid they'll find out (of you or about you) if you let them (anyone) close to you?

[effy2014]

Well, regardless of how or why I am what I am, I guess you all are right that there's no program I can follow to get a better personality. I just feel trapped and I don't like myself or my own company because of how mean and nasty I am to everyone.

**********

I live a comfortable life, so I feel like I shouldn't complain, but sometimes I don't know why I continue on. It all seems meaningless if I can't form a relationship with anyone.

I disagree. Why you are this way is very important. It may not just be your personality, it may be a personality disorder that is treatable. Lethargy and feeling like there is no reason to continue could also be signs of depression. A full psychological evaluation might really help.

[Claret]

[QUOTE=Seralynn;390187]Well, regardless of how or why I am what I am, I guess you all are right that there's no program I can follow to get a better personality. I just feel trapped and I don't like myself or my own company because of how mean and nasty I am to everyone. QUOTE]

I disagree, you can find out the source of your pain, design coping skills to over come that source, and you can chose to be happy. It will take work and it will take the proper environment in which to discover these things. But, it can be done.

[jns]

You could work with a good psychologist to help you modify your behavior. Remember to do everything in baby steps.