[confusedWife14]

Thank you effy...I don't have much evidence apart from telling his brother; and will be discussing with the priest. I will also tell my aunt. The only evidence I have from him was an email I sent him previously asking him to learn to control himself and quit threatening me and sent him some information on abuse. He responded that he will read the documents and not threaten anymore, but there is no smoke without fire and we will have to understand what starts it. Otherwise saying I drive him to it. Will try to keep that email backed up.

The shame, is actually from admitting that I made such a bad error of judgement, marrying someone without dating them for a very long time etc. I know I can't cry over spilt milk, but I wish I can make it all go away.

Thanks for listening

[effy2014]

It's not evidence you need in the sense of bruising etc. it's too late at that point. I meant exactly what you are doing. Contemporaneous documenting of what happened. Time has a way of making things "fuzzy". Documenting what you were fighting about, how he responded both verbally and physically will make you a far more credible person.

From what you posted, you did NOT make a bad error in judgment. His behaviors changed after marriage. Even if you did, you are human. We all make bad judgments. I am divorced and stayed in a bad marriage for years-- that doesn't make me a hero, it just made me even more stupid than I was for marrying her in the first place.

The only shame is compounding the original error with staying and taking more abuse. For me, his comment demanding that you clean the table was as bad as the physical crap. As CW said, you are not his slave or chattel.

[atskitty2]

Keep your own word to him and leave the marriage. These things don't get better, they get worse.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation now. It isn't easy & it isn't going to get easier any time soon. Gather your strengths, find a support channel & get out. We are all here for support, hopefully your parish & your aunt will provide some support and this can be as smooth a transition as possible for you.

[DreamP346]

As others have said, leave. It will only get worse and you don't want to accidentally get pregnant. Tell your family. Don't be ashamed. You did nothing wrong. They would be devastated if they learned you were hiding this from them. Go see a divorce lawyer immediately so you know what you can get financially from the marriage. If that is not a concern and you just want to get away from him, then pack your bags and leave today. Don't wait another day. Either go to a woman's shelter or family. Don't tell him where you are going. You will need all the support you can get. That will be the most dangerous time for you. I know it is scary, but he will get even more violent when you try to leave. That is why it is so important for you to have support. Go to the police and file a restraining order. I don't know where you live, but in most parts of the US, it is fairly easy for a wife to get a restraining order against a spouse who had physically abused her. No evidence is required.

Good luck and keep us posted here on WH.

[Baboy]

It has all been said. Just add me to the list of those urging you to no longer tolerate the intolerable.

DreamP is right about departing to be with family, friends or a shelter. Go when he is out and don't tell him of your plan. He could well become ferociously violent if he sees you defying his will by leaving. Just go and, as Dream said, keep your whereabouts and activities secret.

You mention you have a job and I am guessing he knows where you work. That is where a restraining order is a particularly useful tool. That's where he'll be able to find you. You do not want to be "pounced on" at work or when commuting to work.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

The shame, is actually from admitting that I made such a bad error of judgement, marrying someone without dating them for a very long time etc. I know I can't cry over spilt milk, but I wish I can make it all go away.

Do you remember last night when I said what a relief it was that I told my parents and that they already knew, understood, could see it in my eyes?

I felt ashamed as well that finally I married only got it wrong as well. Nothing was shown prior to marriage, it all came after that ring went on my finger.

I can't begin to tell you once I told someone of importance, how that shame all lifted and how the strength that I did have, at that time, escalated, nor can I begin to tell you how happy I was inside, I was finally free, he was finally caught out and spoken about...

You're doing the right thing. " Having to understand where it starts" is understanding, he lifted his hand and hit you, he demanded that you clear a table and there is a whole lot more. You understand where it started, don't let him make you feel that you started it and he finished it. Even if that was the case, no one accepts a man that hits a woman, no one.

Stay with us We'll be that on-line family to talk to .

[Motorguy]

Do you remember last night when I said what a relief it was that I told my parents and that they already knew, understood, could see it in my eyes?

I felt ashamed as well that finally I married only got it wrong as well. Nothing was shown prior to marriage, it all came after that ring went on my finger.

I can't begin to tell you once I told someone of importance, how that shame all lifted and how the strength that I did have, at that time, escalated, nor can I begin to tell you how happy I was inside, I was finally free, he was finally caught out and spoken about...

You're doing the right thing. " Having to understand where it starts" is understanding, he lifted his hand and hit you, he demanded that you clear a table and there is a whole lot more. You understand where it started, don't let him make you feel that you started it and he finished it. Even if that was the case, no one accepts a man that hits a woman, no one.

Stay with us We'll be that on-line family to talk to .

Very well said CW as I agree fully agree a man should never hit a women ever. But many guys think this a OK thing to still do and continue on with the practice in doing so to get there point across. I say that they all be castrated in my book, I really think this practice would come to a complete halt if applied. Unless the guys is a really sadist and doesn't care losing the family jewels.

[Motorguy]

I have been having some sort of problems in my marriage. I think my husband is a bully, and I hate bullies. Before reading an excerpt of edit link not allowed on this site I didn't know am a bully too. Apparently I am a "Silent treatment" and a "Body language" bully, while my husband is a "Control freak" and a bit of a "Rage" bully. Because mine never results in violence (actually, I avoid him just to have my peace, not necessarily to get him to do anything), and I actually run away from violence, I didn't know my avoidance of it is a problem too. So now the story:
About 2 months after we started living together (after the traditional and court marriage), he violently reacted to me for the first time, actually nobody has ever jumped on me before like they were gonna hit me. But he did. I believe what saved the day that day was that I kept quiet.
Fast forward to after the wedding (church wedding), if there is a big argument and things get heated up, he threatens me with words like “teaching me a lesson”, “pouncing on me”, “giving it to me hot”. I more often than not responded by keeping mute. I have told him that if he ever hits me, that will be the end of the marriage. Although he said he will never do that, I never believed him because I know it’s just time. He always rationalised his behaviour by saying I was being disrespectful, I am stubborn, I never listen, I never like being corrected etc. I always tried to tell him that he can’t control me or anybody but just himself. And anytime he tries to exert his control, all I can do is be more stubborn because as I mentioned earlier, I hate to be bullied. After each of these incidents, and recall into myself and give the silent treatment and mind my own space.
So few days ago, we got into an argument about my texting him during the day that I want us to improve our marriage and have it better by spending more quality time together, giving each other undivided attention etc. He said it’s all about my “wants” and that I have to separate my perceptions from practical issue and started talking nasty. I decided there is nothing for us to discuss and continued cooking. Again, i gave the silent treatment and recoiled to myself so there will be no further arguments.
When I was done cooking, I served his food and mine. Invited him and then ate myself when he wasn’t coming and left the table. He came and started eating, as I was about to go upstairs, he ordered me to take the serving plates to the kitchen. I ignored him because his tone was very rude. He finishes eating, comes upstairs and asked if I wasn’t the one he was talking to. I said I don’t know since it sounded like he was talking to his maid (house help). He said he was talking to me and that I should go clear the table. I told him to either clear it himself or leave it there as am not his maid. That’s when he descended on me with his fists and dragging me off the bed. I defended myself so he probably didn’t do as much damage as he intended. So it was more like him hitting me and dragging me up and me restraining and fighting back and tried to free myself. He finally gave up. I cleared and did the dishes before going to bed though.

Now, the only part he seems to remember is my hitting him, and I told him i was defending myself. Honestly I don't know what I was expected to do: Keep quiet like a lamb to be slaughtered and have him drag me off the bed and down the stairs? Am not sure but the reflex I had was to hit back. I can't even remember my hitting him as I was mostly trying to get him off me. At one time I wanted to bite his hand but I restrained myself. Am now disappointed in myself for stooping to same level as him.

Before marriage I have told myself that I will leave any man that tries to hit me and I told him that if he hits me the marriage will be over. Unfortunately it's easier said than done.
Do you have any advice on how we can manage this?
I must add that whenever I go into my recoiled mode, he flares up more.
I guess I need help in managing my emotions and kill the bully in me since I can only change myself. As for him, he doesn't believe he has a problem since am too stubborn and provoke him. I suggested marriage counseling and he said the best help is self help. So all I can do now is help myself to be a better person.

If you have read all these, thanks for sticking through

Hey Confusewife sometimes fighting back can lead in the fighting getting worse where some gets serous hurt or killed. I am man In no time would I ever hit a women no matter what. But many guys think this is how they can get there problems and point across. By beating there spouse to keep them in line, you should not live this way ever. So when husband refuses to seek marriage counseling he just admitted there is no problem unless you don't upset him and do what your told all the time. The only way these action will stop is you tell him point blank you hit me again I will have spouseally abuse charges file against him There's only a few way's these action will end you just pack up and leave or he leaves or something serous happens to you or him. But this relationship is not healthy mentally or physical. I would go get away or he wants you in his life and keep the marriage going he agrees to seek treatment for his abusive ways nonnegotiable.I feel you like this to end or you wouldn't be on WH seeking advice. I hope you can see what everyone saying and stop this madness with you husband for good. So good luck and god bless you.

[owel1reuel]

Hi!
I've just read all the posts and advices. I was just thinking if I'm gonna post my own experience. I hope this helps. I was once in the situation of your husband. I was a devil once..
Hope no one will judge me. My purpose is try to help based the situation/experience BEFORE.

My wife's perseverance was totally out of this world to tolerate what I did. I started to lay hands against her when I was unable to concentrate with my studies because of her texting me even if I'm in school. Long story.

The violence I can remember:
I threw a marble against her knee that she was not able to walk for a day, I hit her eyes using spoon, I hit her a bowl in her face, I kicked her stomach when she was 3mos preg,punch,kicked,dragged her out of the room pulling her hair. I can't remember some of them, these are just few of them.

I was so immature. I did this because I know she'll still stay with me. I know that she loves me so much. There were times that her left eye became red with a black eye. When her/my parents ask her she kept on defending me. Making me clean in front of people. But deep inside me there's a guilt. I can't even look in the eyes of people that I know,relatives, friends. Because on my mind I know that they know what i was doing. Blood clot in the eyes, bruises everywhere. Just to add, I had the power to do it because we stayed at my parents house. My parents always tell to not hurt her. But that's it, no action/restrain. There was this situation that I was holding a pot. Then tried to hit my wife's head my Mom defended her. I accidentally hit mom's head. Blood came out of mom's head. INSTEAD of blaming my self and say sorry to mom, I blamed my wife.
She tried leaving me many,many,many times. But when I say sorry or apologized she keeps on coming back home with me leaving her parents house no matter what happened the day before. The abuse keeps happening everytime she goes home. Then she started to have an affair. She began to communicate to others telling them what I was doing. And so on. .until she was tough enough to decide to stay away from me. She left from home, I couldn't find her. She was not at her mom's house even her family was not there. I began to realize that I need her so much in my life. I was so deppressed for 4 mos straight. No job, no friends, even my family didn't care. We didn't even see each other w/n those mos. We communicate through texting but not often. Then I asked her if it's okay to see my son just for once. That was a great day, she was beautiful, sexy she looked great. Then I said that I'm going to the province to forget her and the memories. I didn't asked her to be w/ me again. But the moment I said those words, she said "Can we go with you?" I was shocked, then my father said this is your chance, love her, be matured,be man(father). Then the rest was heaven.

You shouldn't be tolerating this kind of situation that you have. All the advices here are the best things to do. If he's gonna do it again, warn him. Then if he does it again, LEAVE. If you will keep on fighting back he's gonna give you more suffering/agony. But this process that you are in, I think you are just building the right decision, you can't just do it for now. Stop this as soon as possible. If can't file a divorce for now, just leave.

Sorry, too much of my story. I can't say the best or right words in English. But I beleive you know what to do. Now our marriage is great.Good Luck!

[Motorguy]

Hi!
I've just read all the posts and advices. I was just thinking if I'm gonna post my own experience. I hope this helps. I was once in the situation of your husband. I was a devil once..
Hope no one will judge me. My purpose is try to help based the situation/experience BEFORE.

My wife's perseverance was totally out of this world to tolerate what I did. I started to lay hands against her when I was unable to concentrate with my studies because of her texting me even if I'm in school. Long story.

The violence I can remember:
I threw a marble against her knee that she was not able to walk for a day, I hit her eyes using spoon, I hit her a bowl in her face, I kicked her stomach when she was 3mos preg,punch,kicked,dragged her out of the room pulling her hair. I can't remember some of them, these are just few of them.

I was so immature. I did this because I know she'll still stay with me. I know that she loves me so much. There were times that her left eye became red with a black eye. When her/my parents ask her she kept on defending me. Making me clean in front of people. But deep inside me there's a guilt. I can't even look in the eyes of people that I know,relatives, friends. Because on my mind I know that they know what i was doing. Blood clot in the eyes, bruises everywhere. Just to add, I had the power to do it because we stayed at my parents house. My parents always tell to not hurt her. But that's it, no action/restrain. There was this situation that I was holding a pot. Then tried to hit my wife's head my Mom defended her. I accidentally hit mom's head. Blood came out of mom's head. INSTEAD of blaming my self and say sorry to mom, I blamed my wife.
She tried leaving me many,many,many times. But when I say sorry or apologized she keeps on coming back home with me leaving her parents house no matter what happened the day before. The abuse keeps happening everytime she goes home. Then she started to have an affair. She began to communicate to others telling them what I was doing. And so on. .until she was tough enough to decide to stay away from me. She left from home, I couldn't find her. She was not at her mom's house even her family was not there. I began to realize that I need her so much in my life. I was so deppressed for 4 mos straight. No job, no friends, even my family didn't care. We didn't even see each other w/n those mos. We communicate through texting but not often. Then I asked her if it's okay to see my son just for once. That was a great day, she was beautiful, sexy she looked great. Then I said that I'm going to the province to forget her and the memories. I didn't asked her to be w/ me again. But the moment I said those words, she said "Can we go with you?" I was shocked, then my father said this is your chance, love her, be matured,be man(father). Then the rest was heaven.

You shouldn't be tolerating this kind of situation that you have. All the advices here are the best things to do. If he's gonna do it again, warn him. Then if he does it again, LEAVE. If you will keep on fighting back he's gonna give you more suffering/agony. But this process that you are in, I think you are just building the right decision, you can't just do it for now. Stop this as soon as possible. If can't file a divorce for now, just leave.

Sorry, too much of my story. I can't say the best or right words in English. But I beleive you know what to do. Now our marriage is great.Good Luck!

I have one question Owel1reue, did you grow up watching your own father doing this to your mother. I am pleased to see you change your way's and now your relationship is better now for it as you learn your lesson. Did you seek anger management treatment while your wife left to get away from your abuse. I just puzzle how does a man do this to there wife they suppose to love and cherish this is just for me being curious is all. Well thank you for adding your pass experience and you was able to share your story and you have change for the good now.