[effy2014]

Your last two posts, attempting to morally justify an affair, fall flat. You want the best of two bad worlds; to stay with your BF because he has money to support you and allow you to finish university and then get your emotional and physical needs met through the new man. It's ok to use your BF in that way because he is a horrible person and the new guy is a saint.

Even ignoring the moral and poor behavior modeling, you are ignoring the practical problems. First, how will your unstable BF react when he finds out . . . and he will. Not only will be have your emotional instability to fight you with but also your lack of judgment and immorality. If he kicks you out, you are at greater risk to lose custody. Second, you put yourself at physical risk when BF finds out. Do you know how he will react?

I have no issue with leaving your BF and the other man may be Mr. Right. You just need to make the adult decision to leave and not have an affair. Where is your family in this situation? Can you live with them while going to school?

You have not made the best of decisions over the last three years which have resulted in your teen pregnancy, a horrible relationship and a bad environment in which to raise your child. An affair will only make matters worse.

[DreamP346]

You say your BF treats you like a child. Everything you have written here so far is indicating that you are very much still a child. For most people who are 21, they probably would also be acting immature and doing selfish things like having affairs, jumping from one relationship immediately to another, etc. It is totally normal at your age. Problem is, you have a child. The day you decided to be a mother, you said good bye to being a free adolescent who can just think about her own needs and happiness. Here is what you need to do.

First, forgot about the second guy. You don't have the time to be getting emotionally involved with somebody else. Why make your life more complicated than it already is. If it really was meant to be, it will happen, just maybe down the road.

Second, leave current BF. Doesn't sound like he is good for your emotional well being. Plus to you don't want raise a child in that environment. Live on government assistance while you go back to school. It's not easy, but many people have done it. You just can't afford to live like you did before. No more nice dresses, restaurants out, expensive electronics. You live the basics. You may have to live on Ramen noodles but you can do it. You probably will get some child-support from your BF which will help out a bit, but don't count on it. If he is as vindictive as you say he is, he will fight it and you will have to go to court to get the money. So it may be a while before you actually get the money.

Work on getting that university degree and getting a job. Get your independence. That is the best thing you can do for both yourself and your daughter. Set a good example. And if second guy wants to hang around through all this, then you know he is a good guy. Although I have a feeling that when realizes the time and energy he is going to have to invest in you and your daughter, he will be out of your life pretty fast. You already made one mistake in picking a partner. Why would you risk doing that again, especially now you have a daughter who will pick up all your actions and do the same when she grows up.

[atskitty2]

I think the others have addressed things well, so I'll focus my comments more pointedly. But let me say that I'm glad you're going to get more education. That's great for you.

I think, at 21, you're really setting up the course of your life here, and it's not a prosperous & admirable one. If you're already using a man to survive, which is what you're actually doing with the bf, and cheating to get your needs met, you're setting the precedent. If you're already taking the low road in these pivotal situations, you will possibly never have a stable & happy, settled lifestyle. Is that what you want in your life? You're setting a pattern that only leads to more unrest & confusion, and "drama" in your life. Just stop it now, do the right things & make the harder decisions when necessary.

You can tell yourself that this other man will make you happy, or that if you just had more money it would all be better, but it's probably a much more likely scenario that you need to take responsibility for your life, your choices & gain some independence for yourself, without any man for awhile. Nobody can really ensure your security but yourself.
And, your child will model the behaviors she sees growing up. Creating a better life for yourself, creates a better life for her. And I mean healthy, wise choices that bring some peace & stability into your life, not just more income.

I think you have some serious searching of yourself to do, and talking to a counselor, pastor or some trusted, established, older adult may be a good idea. Someone you can be 100% honest with, that they will be 100% honest with you.

[ChristinaHedge]

I'm a young mother in one of those relationships where I have led myself to feel locked-in, like a contract, to the father of our child. We knew each other very little before discovering my pregnancy, and have held on (not exaggerated) to our relationship for the sake of our daughter's happiness (both coming from broken families and knowing the affects of split parenting).

My boyfriend claims to love me, and occasionally mentions how "lucky" he is to have me, but my "I love you's" are just empty words. I often enjoy my partners company, however I certainly don't love him due to our lack of communication, verbal abuse, his everlasting angry mood, and his lack of respect. I know I just sound like a whining girl, but I've been a timid, insecure and anxious young woman since being with him.

Unfortunately I have no other source of income than the government. My partner works, which gives us the freedom to play with money, but more importantly, have everything we (my daughter and I) need. How can I leave him? My misery in this relationship are worth her having everything she wants and needs.

I'm really conflicted in what I should do, especially as I have met someone who is frankly what I love, making me realise that I feel the need to be with someone who makes me feel happy and good about myself, and who respects me. I haven't engaged in a physical relationship with this new man, however the more we talk and bond, the further I want to take the relationship.

I'm afraid to go back into the world on my own because I have a daughter to think about. How will I support us both if I leave. How do I explain the situation to her if I leave. How do I explain to my partner that I want to leave? How do I leave? Can I leave?

I'm really tired, which has resulted in my lack of correct grammar and inconsistency in paragraphs, however this is keeping me up at night and I have no one else to talk to. I don't have friends (who won't judge me or reveal my feelings to the world), and I don't have family. I don't have any women to console in, but I really need to.

Does anyone have advice for me? Or is anyone willing to share their experiences of leaving the father of their children?

I would wish to remain associated with my partner, but as far as friends go.

What I would suggest? Get a job. Pay your way. Be honest with your partner and either stay with him or leave him. Do not be victimising yourself. You are not a victim. You are a grown woman. He is not responsible for you. You are not responsible for him. He and you are both responsible for your child. You want to be with your man, then be with him and stop creeping around with other guys and trying to see if there is something there to pursue, otherwise leave your man and try it on with other men. Be accountable for your own behaviours and don't pretend that they are random things that happen and impact on them. Your choices, own them.

[Ashlee T.]

I think that when you make a decision to leave a serious relationship, it needs to have zero to do with anyone else. In other words, you need to have decided that regardless of whether you knew you'd be alone for the rest of your life, you'd rather be so than to stay in this relationship.

If that's where you are, then yes, it's time. Staying together "for the child", is often more damaging to the child than the split parenting. A child wants and deserves to see their parents happy. They are and will be a reflection of you and what you expose them too.

First step is finding employment. Perhaps it could be student employment at the uni you are attending. My guess is you'd qualify for financial aid in addition to having your school paid for, just because you're a single mother. With the financial aid and part time student employment (in addition to child support from your childs father), you should be able to make ends meet. It will be tough, but it will pay off.

I would almost recommend delaying uni for a year. Get out, get a job, get yourself some stability independently and THEN start college.

Oh, and yeah, don't cheat. Even forgetting all the moral things wrong with that decision, you're setting yourself up to have regrets (even though I know you don't think so right now), and regrets will just increase your feelings of worthlessness and result in staying in an unhealthy situation. Don't waste your life being miserable, it's far too short. But be an adult, be a good adult and do this the right way so that you look back with no regrets.

[Claret]

I was hoping that catat0nic would come back and let us know what her thoughts are, and if anything we are saying to her is making any inroads to her thought patterns. I'm guessing she won't be back because we are not endorsing her view. That's too bad because I think the advise given here was the best there is and that we had positive actions for her to follow.

catat0nic, if you are still around, perhaps we can help you work through the issues you are really having in your relationship. Who knows? it may just be worth a try.

[atskitty2]

I hope so too claret.

[Catat0nic]

Thank you for all you're responses- even the tough ones. They really give me hope that there are options to take, and I'm honestly grateful for every bit of advice given. I don't have anyone- my family are all estranged, the family I know of are distant because they're manipulative, using, alcoholics and drug users- my friends are interstate and pretty much ditched me when they found out I was going to be another 'young mum'- so having women take their time to straighten me out a little is really cherished.

I initially thought that maybe I should have left out the cheating part because I knew it'd distract me from my priority issue, however I'm glad I did because the feedback has opened my eyes a great deal.

I'm just afraid of ending up alone and worthless like my family (who I mentioned above are not the type of people anyone wants to be like- they're the scum of the Earth)- particularly my mother, whom I've sought approval and attention from all my life, however her alcohol and drug addiction have always remained priority.
So being with my bf who works, has decent family, and who has a house and can keep me comfortably financially supported is what's keeping me from being that. No, I won't turn to drugs or alcohol because I know the effects on children it has, as well as the people around you- I'm afraid to be poor and an embarrassment for my daughter, as my mother was to her ten children.

Your advice is great, really. Don't underestimate my appreciation because of my age. I appreciate the small things in life, hence why I feel that a wreck of a relationship is better than having nobody.

[Catat0nic]

[continued] I do know my thoughts are pretty messed up at the moment. I am just tired of feeling the need to be with him because it's logically the best chance I have at a stable life (financially). I have forgotten what it's like to be a happy person- sure, I have my moments, but there hasn't been a lot that's motivated me over the past few years and it's taking it's toll on my health.

I can keep my pain inside, but then I break down terribly and feel the affects for weeks- if not months. My relationship has felt like the biggest barrier I have come across to be happy.

Also, for the reply that implied I should talk it out with my bf, I'm sure I mentioned it before (maybe), however I need to say that I have. I honestly have. I have tried so hard and for so long to work things out, even to the point where we've both been in tears. Even intervention from his family and friends... He will apologise, but revert back to his angry, emotionally cruel ways within days. I'm not exaggerating. We go through this every month, if not every few weeks. I have tried again and again, which is why I feel so hopeless and alone- especially when being picked on by him and his family+friends.

I do my best to act reasonably, and yet he will yell at me the moment I mention a small issue. In fact,my remaining calm and reasonable, open minded, makes him even angrier and he will act to strike me, throw things, punch wall, then give me the silent treatment, or even drive off to be with friends. It's not mature at all, despite my efforts of trying to remain so. He'll even go to the point of yelling in public, which I don't want, especially on our street. People know us as the arguing couple.

Okay, now I'm whining, I just can't justify that. If someone says they want things to work, why do they always go back on their words? That's what is happening all the time.

[Catat0nic]

Though I'm having these new feelings for someone else now, I have had these feelings for my bf since about two/three months into our relationship- so the new feelings really just seem to help in my wanting to leave. We aren't meant to be, you would know that if you met us. I don't want to justify my immature thoughts and emotions, i want to seek guidance in how to take the next step towards my happiness- especially being one who has only ever thrived off being loved and/or needed by someone else.