[xxforxx]

So, me and my boyfriend have been together for a while. When we first started dating he would smoke maybe one cigarette a week. This went on until about 2 months ago. Recently , he made new friends who just smoke and get drunk. Now he smoked about 2 or 3 packs a weeks which I am totally against.
I am planning a future with this guy and we do plan to get married in a few years, and I just don't want him smoking. I am really afraid that he will get more addicted to them and that this will really affect his health in the future.
I don't want him to die because of this. Also this has recently made him super aggressive to the point that right after he smokes he starts yelling at me and calling me names. I have tried to make him stop by buying him e-ciggarets but they are too expensive for me to afford and he doesn't want to use them because he says he looks dumb with them. I have also tried talking to him about it and tried making some kind of agreement of maybe cutting down to one pack but we just end up in arguments and me in tears. He tells me he will cut down but it is the complete opposite. Also he always talks about how good it makes him feel and i have been wanting to try it to, but I know I can't because I might get addicted like him. I really can't ignore this problem. This is one of the most important things in my life, I just hate smoking. What should I do to not affect our relationship and to not push him further away from me?

Thanks

[Motorguy]

Well XXFORXX I feel for you when I meant my my future wife she was a smoker. I only told her was I wanted her in my life for a long,long time as I loved her and she quit cold turkey for me. Now it's been 29 years since she has smoke. Now if your boy won't quiet smoking for you then this tells me he doesn't care for you at all. If he wouldn't even try to stop smoking for you this just shows arrogantness on his part towards you. Now your boy friend allows his friends to influence what he does in his life. With smoking then this is the old story would you jump off a bridge if your friends did it this just shows stupidity on all levels with this. I hope for the best with your relationship with your boy friend but this how i feel on this topic about smoking god bless.

[raindancer]

What you're seeing is the real him after the initial years of romance have passed. The influence of his friends is stronger than yours, the aggressive behavior started, the booze and cigarettes... that's who he is.

You want to change him.

In general, when you want to change people, it isn't a good thing. He is who he is.

You're lucky you aren't married yet, have no children. You can still decide what to do and possibly decide you don't love the real him. You loved the old him. Or you're capable of loving him IF he'd make the changes you want him to.

Stopping to smoke, or drink, or drugs, or gambling, or any addiction isn't easy. You have to want to quit. You can't really do it for others. You have to want to. You do it for yourself.

He doesn't want to stop. He likes it.

You don't like his new friends. You don't like his drinking too much. You don't like his smoking.

The problem isn't him. The problem is you. You want him to be what you think it is ideal.

I totally agree with you smoking is a horrible thing. My brother is literally dying of it. He knows. He's weak, can barely walk, every few minutes, he starts to cough a terrible cough. He's out of breath. He's dying.

I also hate alcohol and don't drink. My father is an alcoholic. I've left home as an adolescent, because my mother was an alcoholic at the time.

So, I'm aligned with you: these things are disgraceful.

But that doesn't give us the right to decide how other people should live their lives. Even when we're convinced we're right, we just can't force our "absolute truth" down someone's throat.

If I knew you, I'd give you the only sensible advice in this situation, my "absolute truth". I'd tell you to leave him. But that would be me, trying to tell you how to live your life.

Does he love the new nagging you?

[KMonte85]

Hi xxforxx! Welcome to the forum. Don't try smoking. It's not worth it.. you hate it for a reason, never forget that. You see how much people struggle to stop, so don't set yourself up for a filthy habit like that.

I can only assume that your boyfriend is an adult, and therefore, in control of his own choices. HE has to decide if he's ready and willing to quit smoking, you can't make that decision for him, no matter how terrible the habit is. From what you've described to us, he doesn't seem at all interested in quitting, and is actually quite offended at your suggestion that he stop smoking. Hun, you've done all you can do in that regard. The guy has to choose for himself whether he wants to waste money and life on a carcinogenic habit. My husband smoked while we were dating, and I was ADAMANT that I would not marry him until he quit. And you know what? He did. He hasn't smoked in about 4 years, because he knew it was a gross, expensive habit, and he knew it was a deal breaker for me. He loved me more than his nicotine fix. He chose me.


That said, you seem to have BIGGER fish to fry than his smoking cigarettes. Smoking cigs do not make a person really aggressive or verbally abusive. They don't make a person yell at you until you cry, or completely disregard your feelings and concerns. This guy sounds like he's not being a great partner to you. Beyond the smoking, are you sure you can see yourself marrying a person who treats you this way?