[maybenotnow]

Hello,
I am new to the forum and something is troubling me. I thought I would post about this to see if I could gain some insight. I don't really have anyone that I can talk to in my personal life to provide me with any emotional support.

I am only 21 years old. I have been with my boyfriend for six years, which is a long time considering the age... he is my only true support and I could never imagine my life without him. The thing is that we've been together for so long, since we were young (we still are young), and I've realized in the past months that I don't really have any amorous feelings towards him. There is no spark that I feel when I see him, I don't miss him during the day (though I am happy to come home to him, if that makes sense), love songs don't remind me of him... he went out of town for a week recently and I didn't miss him, and I was hardly excited to pick him up from the airport. When he kisses me I feel nothing. The last time we were intimate I found myself irritated that it was taking so long to end.

The fact that I feel like this makes me guilty. I always thought that it was just me. I've been thinking so hard about this, and I had thought that maybe the lack of spark was exaggerated because of my thinking about it so hard. The thing is I truly care about him. I want to see him happy and I hate the idea of him ever feeling hurt. I genuinely love him, but it's almost more of a family love. I'm not in love with him, and the more I try to fix things, the worse I feel.
Is this something that is normal in a long-term relationship? Is it normal for your significant other to end up feeling more like a best friend than a lover?

I feel that our relationship needs to end because it's only fair to him if I'm not in love with him, but at the same time... is it fair to breakup a relationship that he has worked so hard at, over something that is "normal"?

I would really appreciate any insight... my head is filled with questions?

[Stillness]

Is this something that is normal in a long-term relationship? Is it normal for your significant other to end up feeling more like a best friend than a lover?

No, it's not. Something is wrong. Best friend and lover and brother/sister, yes.

[maybenotnow]

No, it's not. Something is wrong. Best friend and lover and brother/sister, yes.

Thank you for responding. I completely agree. I need to break up with him. Can anybody offer me advice on this? This will be the first time I am breaking up with somebody. I want to give him enough information that he feels closure and isn't wondering what he could have done differently. But I also don't want to say anything that is too blunt that it might make him feel worse than he needs to.

[Stillness]

There's no easy way. Be honest about how you feel without being harsh.

There are some major changes in us from 15 to 21.

[maybenotnow]

Thank you so much!

[effy2014]

Permit to give you an alternative viewpoint.

I understand that women (generally speaking), have this artificial distinction between loving a man and being "in love". You clearly love him . . . You say that he is the only true support in your life and that you cannot imagine your life without him. He has been in your life for six years. Yet, because you haven't felt a spark in months, you are not imagining life without him, you are willing to throw it all away. My guess is that breaking it off will make him leave forever.

Have you met someone with whom you feel a spark?

My suggestion is to examine why the romance has gone away. Are there holes in the relationship that you have been noticing? Has he been less romantic? Maybe you could talk it through with him and see if any changes can re-ignite the relationship.

[maybenotnow]

That is true, but one thing I have noticed is that I can also not imagine living the rest of my life with him. Even though I can't bear the idea of him being gone, imagining a marriage with him feels bleak. Mentally, it is a very confusing place for me to be in.

There is someone that keeps catching my eye and makes my heart pound to be around. I have been trying to ignore him though, I think if I broke up I would want to be single for awhile.

Thanks for the alternative viewpoint. It gave me a lot to consider.

[effy2014]

It's what I thought. Someone makes Your heart pound, your current mate does not, so what you have can't be love. Just remember one of my favorite lines ...." Don't it always seem to go, you don't know what you've got 'till it's gone ...." Passion is very important in a relationship. But so are lots of other things.

Think it through. List the criteria you need in mate. If he has most of them, see if you can rekindle the passion.

[maybenotnow]

I appreciate all of the advice but I feel the need to say it quite isn't as simplified as me seeing a cute guy and suddenly deciding that I can't be in love with my boyfriend. I make this post after years of trying to sort things out. The more that I am thinking about it, the more I believe I need to be single to learn who I am and what I need as an adult.

Thank you though, your words have made me think.

[JasonParkins]

I appreciate all of the advice but I feel the need to say it quite isn't as simplified as me seeing a cute guy and suddenly deciding that I can't be in love with my boyfriend. I make this post after years of trying to sort things out. The more that I am thinking about it, the more I believe I need to be single to learn who I am and what I need as an adult.

Thank you though, your words have made me think.

The way you feel is the way you feel. You can't stay with him if you don't love him as it's unfair on him. Staying with him because you don't want to hurt him will hurt him even more in the end. If you tell him he'll be upset for a while but at least he'll be able to try to move on. As for you, you don't need to jump straight into another relationship. Let him go, take some time to yourself, basically being with yourself without any guys around for a couple of months, and see if you prefer it.
From experience i can tell you that going out lookin for a guy drunk might be fun at the time, but the next morning you just want the person outta there and feel rottenand guilty and too much of that will have an effect on you and make you even more depressed and lonely. Unless you get lucky and find someone amazing, which in a bar is remote.
Anyone at all you know who you'd actually be attracted to and you like spending time around!?