[MissCouture]

One of my best friends is a guy i have known for the past 10 years. We met through a mutual friend and just hit it off - as friends!
We would all meet up on nights out etc and me and this guy basically just got really close. I never felt anything but friendship for him and thought he felt the same or i wouldnt have spent as much time hanging out together as we did.
Eventually one night about 8 years ago when he was drunk he confessed that he loved me and always had and that we were meant to be together. I didnt know what to say and put it down to him just having a few too many drinks and the next day it was forgotten about. Like it never happened, we didnt let it become awkward or anything and life moved on.

He then met a girl, fell in love with her and they moved in together. We still stayed in touch a lot and i still classed him as one of my best friends and me and his gf get on great together and even met for lunches and cinema dates.

Fast forward almost 6 yrs, he is now engaged to this gf and they are expecting a baby in the next few weeks. I too am in a happy long term relationship and all 4 of us get on great and meet up for dinner every few weeks. Me and this guy friend are always in contact and my bf is completely fine with it as he knows its just a good friendship.

However when i was out clubbing last weekend, i randomly bumped into my friend and we had a few drinks together and a laugh until he pulled me aside and tried to kiss me, i pulled away and asked him wtf he was doing, he then told me he still loved me and would never feel about his fiance the same way he feels about me. I told him to get a grip as she was sitting at home carrying their child and i stormed off. He has since tried ringing me a few times and i have ignored his calls. I dont know what to do.
If i cut contact with him, as it is not fair on him or his fiance if we stay friends, then both my OH and his OH will want to know why we no longer talk.
If i tell my OH about this he will almost definitely flip out and god knows what he will do.
But if i ignore it and forget it happened and pretend everything is how it was then i will always feel guilty on his fiance.

What should i do??

[Pollon]

Spending alone time with other men away from your boyfriend is inherently dangerous to your relationship. Add alcohol or drugs and it is doubly so. Even if your OH is "fine" with it, it is still disrespectful to the relationship to treat it so recklessly.

I'd encourage you to genuinely reevaluate your beliefs about this whole situation. Did you really think that your best friend's feelings for you weren't real and had just gone away? Or did you just enjoy the male attention too much to seriously consider the implications? Did you really think it was OK to carry on with him after getting into a long-term relationship? And was your OH genuinely okay with you going out clubbing? Or was he just too accommodating for his own good?

You and your best friend both treat your primary relationships too carelessly. Seriously, who leaves their pregnant fiance behind so they can go clubbing? And how random could it have been to "bump" into him. You're best friends for heaven's sake. You both know the places you like to go.

Unfortunately, your best friend crossed the line and now you have to decide which relationship you are going to save and which one has to be abandoned.

If you want to keep your OH, you have to lose the best friend. Trying to keep him would require either telling your OH and then walking all over his feelings in order to force him to accept the best friend, OR keeping the best friend's feelings and actions a secret, which could eventually blow up in your face.

How your best deals with his fiance is his problem, not yours. You just begin the process of pulling away. It doesn't take some announcement, you just become unavailable. If your boyfriend is wiling to carry the burden, you can tell your best friend and his fiance that he has become uncomfortable (ie. jealous) with the situation. Frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if the fiance would welcome the change. She probably senses his feelings for you.

Good luck

[karin]

I also think your husband is not completely comfortable with your relationship. However, he trusts you enough to know that there will not be any further outcome.

the point is, do you still want to see him after this incident? or not?

[Something_Awesome]

I think you need to stay away. It's the only chance he has at saving his current relationship (his current relationship may be a relationship he involved himself in just for the sake of trying getting over you). Personally, I do not think his marriage will be one of those "happily ever after" marriages because he might always have you in the back of his mind, even after you've completely exited his life. This isn't his fault (or your fault). Feelings are involuntary. He's probably felt a lot of internal anguish over the years to be into you for so long.

[MissCouture]

Pollon i think you have jumped the gun an awful lot in your post. While i respect your opinion i dont see why i cant spend alone time with a male friend jsut because im in a relationship. If my OH doesnt mind (which he qenuinely doesnt as he would nto be afraid to tell me if he did) then why should i see it as 'reckless'. We have a lot of trust and respect for one another and i would never jeopardize that.

I had genuinely thought his feelings for me had gone away as it is so many years later and he is in a 'seeminlgy happy relationship with a baby on the way - why would i have any other reason to think otherwise.

I dont agree with him going out clubbing either when his fiance is due in a about 2 weeks either but thats not my problem. We did bump in to each other 'randomly' as i had no idea he was out and i just happened to be out in the local club with a few of my friends. I feel your trying to put the blame on me here a bit and i dont appreciate it as i have never done anything to lead him on or i never saw it as 'male attention' - i have a lot of female friends too, doenst mean im friends with them for their 'attention'???

Also im a bit put out that you think my OH wouldnt like me to go out clubbing on my own. He doesnt own me, i am my own person and if i want a night out with the girls and hes going out with his mates then whats the big deal. As i said there is a lot of trust and respect in our relationship.

Thank you Something Awesome, thats exactly how i feel. I am better off taking a step back and reducing our contact. Its just so annoying because i love him as a friend and he knows a lot about me, i have confided in him many times about problems in my life and hes always been there. Its going to suck not having him in my life. - and this is not just because he is a guy, i would feel the exact same if it was a girl.

[Pollon]

I'm going to be little harsh here not because I think you're wrong but to push you to think a little deeper and less naively about this stuff. You and your OH may be a a very special case, but that doesn't negate my point.

.... i don't see why i can't spend alone time with a male friend just because I'm in a relationship. If my OH doesn't mind then why should i see it as 'reckless'. We have a lot of trust and respect for one another and i would never jeopardize that...

What happened to you is exactly my point. If you weren't jeopardizing your relationship by hanging out alone with another guy in an environment saturated with alcohol and a "hook-up" energy, you wouldn't be in this situation. It's great that you and OH have this great level of trust. However, would he feel the same way about you going clubbing or having a "date" with your male buddy if the two of you were in a rough patch?

If you are serious about protecting and respecting your relationship, you don't let it play in the middle of street just because it has sharp eyes and quick reactions--EVEN IF your OH is fine with it.

....I had genuinely thought his feelings for me had gone away as it is so many years later and he is in a 'seemingly happy relationship with a baby on the way - why would i have any other reason to think otherwise?....

I know this is old fashioned and stereotyping, but he's a guy under stress (he's about to be both married and a father) and you two have been "intimate" for years. There is only a relative week boundary between emotionally intimacy and physical intimacy. The right mix of timing and alcohol is all it takes to break it.

....I don't agree with him going out clubbing either when his fiance is due in a about 2 weeks either but thats not my problem....

Yes, that is a red flag that something isn't right. I suspect there were other ones along the way that night. Sure, his relationship is not your problem. But now it is. You're devotion to your relationship does not stop other men from pursuing you. Putting yourself in a club without your partner is, to many men, an invitation to be pursued. Surely you're aware of that. If it wasn't your friend coming onto you, eventually it would be someone...right??

.....I feel your trying to put the blame on me here a bit and i dont appreciate it as i have never done anything to lead him on or i never saw it as 'male attention' - i have a lot of female friends too, doenst mean im friends with them for their 'attention'???....

Having an emotionally intimate relationship with a friend of the opposite sex IS leading him on. It might not be intentional, but it is. Can you honestly say that no one ever suggested that your relationship with him was special or different in some way? Would you not agree that your friendship with him is not the "norm" among your female friend?

...Also im a bit put out that you think my OH wouldn't like me to go out clubbing on my own. He doesnt own me, i am my own person and if i want a night out with the girls and hes going out with his mates then whats the big deal. As i said there is a lot of trust and respect in our relationship....

Of course he doesn't own you. That's not my point. Obviously he does trust you. However, that doesn't mean he appreciates your clubbing. He may. However, he may just tolerate it because you've made it clear that you're going to keep this male friend in your life and you're going to go clubbing whether he likes it or not.

My point is that if YOU respect your OH and your relationship, you wouldn't jeopardize it by putting yourself into inherently dangerous situations.


Look, I'm really not trying to blame you for what happened. It sounds like you have a great relationship and you handled your friend's pass at you perfectly. I'm just trying to encourage you to consider how you treat your relationship and the messages you send to your OH when you make certain choices.

[MissCouture]

What happened to you is exactly my point. If you weren't jeopardizing your relationship by hanging out alone with another guy in an environment saturated with alcohol and a "hook-up" energy, you wouldn't be in this situation. It's great that you and OH have this great level of trust. However, would he feel the same way about you going clubbing or having a "date" with your male buddy if the two of you were in a rough patch?

I can understand where your coming from but if i happen to bump into any friend when out clubbing or in a bar im obviously going to say hello, the fact it happened to be this particular friend shouldnt make a difference. Yes we were both drinking but neither of us were intoxicated or messy drunk so i still dont see it as jeopardizing my relationship. If me and my OH were going through a rough patch it wouldnt change anything, in fact i would probably be surrounding myself in as many good close friends as i could for support.

Putting yourself in a club without your partner is, to many men, an invitation to be pursued. Surely you're aware of that. If it wasn't your friend coming onto you, eventually it would be someone...right??

Absolutely not! Going to a club with my friends for me is a great time for a catch up, a laugh and a dance - if a guy happens to try chat me up i will tell him im spoken for in a friendly way and move on - no harm done. And my OH knows i get chatted up quite a lot, he doesnt mind so long as im upfront that im in a relationship. In fact he thinks its quite flattering that im seen as attractive and hes quite proud of that fact.

Having an emotionally intimate relationship with a friend of the opposite sex IS leading him on. It might not be intentional, but it is. Can you honestly say that no one ever suggested that your relationship with him was special or different in some way? Would you not agree that your friendship with him is not the "norm" among your female friend?

I agree with this to a certain extent except that i dont like the word 'intimate' as it makes it sound very exclusive and intended. I see it as a deep friendship - as i have with a couple of my girlfriends too. My relationship with him does not differ to any of my girls - but i do understand that maybe this kind of relationship isnt natural for a guy and a girl without emotions becoming a part of it - but again i did not know this would happen and never intended it so therefor i dont see it as leading him on.

Of course he doesn't own you. That's not my point. Obviously he does trust you. However, that doesn't mean he appreciates your clubbing. He may. However, he may just tolerate it because you've made it clear that you're going to keep this male friend in your life and you're going to go clubbing whether he likes it or not.

You have it slightly wrong here - i would never plan to just go out clubbing with this guy on my own without my bf as i think that is unfair - however if i happen to bump into him in a nightclub when im out (which can happen as i dont keep track of his every move) then i will happily hang out for the rest of the night and i will tell my OH the next day always. I do always tell my OH about my nights out, who i bumped into etc and hes completely fine with it - as am i when he goes out and bumps into friends etc (male or female), its not that he just 'tolerates' it, he is totally fine with it - honestly. He is very upfront and if he had a problem with it - he would tell me.

PS - dont know if it stands for anything but were both really laid back people - which maybe is the reason why this has all came about in the first palce. Maybe being too laid back to notice the obvious?

[Pollon]

Have you told your OH about the incident?