[clairendipity]

Hey guys,

So I'm writing this post because I think I'll go absolutely mad without another opinion on the matter...
I've been with my partner for three years, as time has gone on I moved out of my home town and have lost contact with many of my old friends.. recently **Adam and I emigrated and we've a lot of plans ahead of us.. however during our relationship **Adam has made several mistakes such as 'sexting' another girl and asking another girl out after a fight while I was volunteering abroad for a summer...I'm a sucker for assuming I can 'fix' people, I have no doubt in my mind that he is truly sorry for what he has done in the past however a few months ago something happened and to be honest I don't think its even sunk in... which is probably why I'm still with him.

**Prior to emigrating Adam lived two hours away and we primarily saw each other at weekends...Shortly after I returned from my summer trip Adam came to visit and we headed off for a drive, i was about to google search a movie for the cinema when I saw a tab was open on **Adam's phone that contained gay porn... naturally enough I was shocked and I started shouting like a wild woman..his reasoning was that while I had been away for the summer he had been bored and had been looking at porn and ended up on this site... After hours of conversation I decided to believe although doubt lingered..
A few months pass and I begin to forget about the gay porn.... Adam and I have been making plans for our future, when suddenly (and without going into the whole story of how I came upon this information) I discover Adam had been on a gay dating app and had been in contact with a man at least 30 years older than him... I rang the man impulsively and explained to him my situation.. that i was the girlfriend of a man who I assumed was hetrosexual.. the older man was very embarrassed and repeatedly apologised while i cried down the phone - not a nice situation for either of us... he explained that nothing sexual had happened.. he said that my partner met him and left after two minutes as he apparently felt repulsed...Apparently the older man reassured Adam that as this Adam's first sexual experience with a man that he would masturbate in front of Adam.. (It gives me the shivers just writing that).

Adam was in shock when I told him I knew.. that was when he divulged very personal details.. I was aware that Adam had been sexually abused as a child however I did not know that his father and brother were involved. This is a truly complex situation and as a social care worker I have worked with a lot of individuals who come from very upsetting backgrounds, and Adam's story was no different.
He went to counselling after all of this happened.. the counselor believed that his sexual confusion was due to his childhood abuse.

So here I am, in another country without my friends or family - completely my own choice of course...although when Adam isn't around and I'm in alone I think... Is this is? Is this the decision I have made? Do I believe that it was a choice made out of confusion or am I a fool? My confidence levels have diminished and I cant confide in many people because its too difficult of a situation to explain without divulging too much information.
Does anyone have any similar experiences?..

I absolutely love this man and I've seen a massive change in him since counselling... but I fear there'll always be a piece of me that questions who he really is - Do I want to be married with children in ten years time and have him run away with his gay lover - Hell no !

[jns]

It is hard to keep another person's secrets when they are that large, but please don't break. They were told to you in confidence by someone who was willing to bare their soul. Don't betray that trust. Maybe your social care work led Adam to you.

As far as the counselor has gone, I believe this situation cannot be solved by Adam in an entirely rational way and thus I would say to work with a psychologist to help him rebuild his view of the world and sexuality. The damage of sexual child abuse could keep reappearing if it isn't dealt with properly.

[effy2014]

Yes, this is the decision you made with eyes wide open. You gave Adam a path to redemption and he grabbed it. He went to the psychologist and, in your own words, you have seen a massive change in him. If his sexuality confusion is the result of his abuse, the counseling will continue to help him through it. I doubt it will take him 10 years to work through his sexuality.

I understand your doubts and they make perfect sense to me. Some of them are from having way too much time on your hands to keep going through the possible scenarios. My first suggestion is for you to keep yourself busy -- find friends or work where you are.

Having made the choices to stay with him, move with him and send him to therapy, all with the knowledge of his flaws, it seems to me that the better course is to work this through. You can get updates from the therapist and go with him to some appointments. Be a partner in his care. So many things can go wrong in a marriage after ten years. The risk of him deciding that he is gay after going through with the marriage and having kids is not much more likely then any other negative outcome. Best of luck to you.