[Jacqueline27]

So the other night I got on Netflix to watch a movie and saw that on the most recent watched was a number of different porn movies. I was curious and skimmed them and saw that the women were all similar.. Gigantic boobs, long dark hair and more tanned and Italian looking. I am a blonde with a fair skin tone and don't have the biggest features in the world. I think that is what has bothered me the most.... That the girls on all of these are nothing like me.. Am I not his type? Do I not fulfill his needs? I have no idea what to do and I can't ask anyone I know because I don't trust them. I am scared to talk about it with him because we have a great relationship. I just don't want anything to get in the way.

[effy2014]

This is one of the most asked questions on this site. You can run a search here and probably find hundreds of threads.

Men watch porn. That is a fact. The last statistic I read was that 2/3 of men watch porn monthly. Porn is just another genre of entertainment.

There are certainly men who are addicted to porn. They substitute watching porn for sex with their partners and need porn to get aroused. Like any other addiction, an addiction to porn negatively affects the relationship.

Unless that is happening in your relationship, there is nothing to worry about. Porn is fantasy and most men know the difference between real life and scripted porn. We do not compare our partners to the women on the screen. Our partners are real -- the qualities that you possesses are what your BF prefers in the real world. I doubt that he picked the characteristics of the woman . . . He probably read the two or three line description of the sex involved and was intrigued. Really, it is not a reflection on you.

I suggest that you talk to him. Not in an accusatory tone (he will get defensive and the two of,you will be fighting over nonsense) but just to get the information you seek. The more open the two of you are about it, the less it will ever impact your relationship.

[Jacqueline27]

Thank you effy2014, for replying. I talked to him and apparently it is a problem he has been struggling with. I explained how much it bothers me and he said he was done and that he wasn't going to watch it anymore. I find that hard to believe sense I have done a ton of research and it all says that they won't. Today I went to use his phone for a flashlight and he grabbed it and I saw that he was clearing his history on google. I know that he is hiding it from me now. We have been together for two years and I can't believe I didn't notice that kind of stuff before. Oh and no Everytime I see a half naked girl on Facebook or an advertisement all i think is that he's prob in the other room getting off to it. This is eating me alive. . Torture..

[effy2014]

Jacqueline:

I don't think that you are getting to the root of the problem. Why does his porn watching bother you so much that you are tortured? Has this affected his sex life with you? Does he treat you differently or look at you differently? Has he complained about your body?

I think that you are right. He will not stop watching porn. Almost no man will. Your emotional reaction to it will, as you suspect, drive him underground. Why does he suspect that it is a problem for him?

If this is a moral issue, please say so. If your reaction is based largely on your own hatred of porn and not on the effect of porn on him and the relationship, you may be the one who has to learn to accommodate it.

[Jacqueline27]

It is a moral issue, it's disgusting. The fact that he is looking at someone other than me. I am disgusted. I have been cheated on by every one I have ever been with, . . Walked in and saw my ex screwing another woman. I have had my fair share of dealing with other women idc if most people don't consider it cheating. I feel like it is because the girl on the screen is not me. He is not having sexual feelings towards me in that moment. If I was to walk in he would feel guilty, I feel that is because it is being unfaithful. I do not wish to share him and part of him.. Including his sexual arousal. Our sex life is suffering because I feel as if I do not compare to these girls he is watching. I cannot do these fancy tricks or dedicate the whole time being about him. I have a hard enough time getting off and know that I am thinking about him watching porn now so I it's even harder to enjoy it. I have stopped having sex with him and he hasn't seemed bothered by it. Guess that porn is more intriguing than me.

[Jacqueline27]

I tried to dye my hair brown and he said that he loved it.. I wore a bombshell bra and he also loved it. I spray tanned and he said I looked amazing... I can't transform myself anymore. I will only be myself and I know he would never say that I should change but the signs say different. I have a busy life.. Student 3 jobs and barely any time to do my normal routine I can't afford to make myself up everyday.

[effy2014]

I empathize with your moral aversion to porn and your belief that watching porn is equivalent to cheating. Nothing in your posts suggest that your boyfriend thinks that he is cheating on you or that he compares the actresses on the screen to you. This is clearly your issue to resolve. Frankly, I think the cheating behaviors of your other boyfriends have led you (wrongly, in my view though I know ydc) that porn is also cheating.

Your current relationship appears doomed to failure. You do not have a great relationship, since this issue has made you feel disgusted, unloved and unattractive. He will not stop watching porn, but that does not make him a bad person, just incompatible with you. I suggest that you find a male who also believes porn is immoral and cheating. Set the ground rules early in the relationship so that there will be no surprises. It will be a difficult task, but one that will make you far happier in a relationship. Best of luck.

[guccio]

maybe in order to try to show him how you are feeling you need to tell him you have started watching male porn or going to male strip clubs because you are attracted to more in shape men with bigger penises. he probably doesn't realize how much it hurts your feelings, but I hate to tell you this all men have sexual feelings toward other women on a daily basis, but porn is not reality.

[Jacqueline27]

He said that he feels guilty when he does it since we have been together. I am the only one he has ever been intimate with so I feel like he wonders what there is to compare me to. He is amazing and I love everything about him except this. He wouldn't be happy if I did it so maybe I should tell him I'm watching it and that I want him to go to the gym so he can look like those guys on the screen... (I'm perfectly happy how he is but it would be nice to make him feel the way I do) I don't want to leave him or find anyone else for that matter I just I want to know how to make him stop..

[effy2014]

You really need to understand the brutal truth -- he feels bad because of your reaction. I think he will try not to look at porn, but he will fail. He's a guy. You will not succeed in making him stop.

If you love him and won't leave him, then you need to work on your own issues with porn and self esteem.