[Luv Dream]

Hi I'm a 30 something married mother with 2 kid. I'm happily married and have a healthy sexual relationship with my husband. But at the same time, i'm also having a frequent and regular sexual affair with another man without feeling any guilt towards my husband. My husband is aware of my affair and told me that he's ok with it. Can i have some opinion whether it's fine for me to continue with such relationships since my husband doesn't mind? Is he really "doesn't mind" when he said he's ok with it?

[effy2014]

Can I ask two questions?

If you have a healthy sex life with your husband, why do you feel it necessary to have a lover?

How would you explain this to your children if they uncovered the affair?

The short answer is that you and your husband have the right to set the parameters of your relationship. There are certainly men who support their wives in having sex outside the marriage. I assume then you have an open marriage and he also can have an affair with another woman.

[horseshoe2985]

I would really encourage you to speak with a counselor.

Live, Laugh, and Cantor on

[raindancer]

The rules of monogamy are totally artificial and created by people. If you and your husband don't want to "follow" them, our opinion is irrelevant.

Now, you know your husband much better than us. Do you think he isn't being sincere when he says he's OK with it? In your opinion, why would he lie about it?

[effy2014]

The rules of monogamy are totally artificial and created by people. If you and your husband don't want to "follow" them, our opinion is irrelevant.

All "rules" are created by people and, in that respect, are "artificial". So are laws against homicide, rape and arson. It doesn't make monogamy right or wrong. The OP asked for opinions and, in my view, we would need more information to give an informed one.

I am, however, rather suspicious of the question since, as CW observed, this is not LD's first query about her open marriage. Nice investigative work, CW!!

[raindancer]

I don't know why you felt the need to compare a consensual way two adults want to live their relationship with arson, homicide and rape.

And I'll never know.

[Something_Awesome]

I don't know why you felt the need to compare a consensual way two adults want to live their relationship with arson, homicide and rape.

And I'll never know.

Yeah, "cheating" or having an affair is perceived as "bad" by society, but it's a learned perception. Most people would not hesitate to call murder bad. The man-made rules that forbid murder are also artificial.

The point is that as artificial as the rules are, they were created in large part because they benefit society and, if that's the case, then maybe the man-made rules against having an affair (we can call them mores I guess) are worth following because they also may have a benefit to society.

I think Effy's comparing of the rules was just another way of saying that just because a rule is artificial does not mean that it cannot be of great value/use. In other words, that the rule against cheating is artificial is not, by itself, a reason to cheat.

[raindancer]

I still don't understand, since OP says husband consents. Cheating? Perhaps that's how it is called, but he knows and says he consents. If he's lying to her, that's another story and I did ask about it.

If my husband has an affair, or one night stands or anything with another woman, or man, he isn't cheating on me, because I'm aware and consenting. I wouldn't want my husband being compared to a rapist, a murder, or any other sort of criminal, just because, with the full support of her wife of 20 years, he has sex/love/some-variant-of-these with another consenting adult.

It maybe completely out of your reality, but there are couples out there who think relationships differently. Don't compare us to rapists and murders. Or rather, compare as much as you like, because there's freedom of speech and anyway your saying so doesn't make a person a criminal. Between our four walls and roof, with discretion and between consenting adults, we're free to live our relationship anyway we like. That doesn't make us criminals.

[effy2014]

I never intended to compare polyamory or non-monogamy to criminal conduct. My intent was as I wrote (and as SA also interpreted) -- all rules created by people are artificial and their artificiality does not make the rules any more or less valid. My second paragraph was also clear that each partnership has the ability to create the rules of the road. Raindancer, I certainly did not comment on your relationship -- based on your posts -- you are brilliant, honest, direct and you and your partner clearly understand the parameters of your relationship.

This OP does not have the same security. She is concerned that her husband may not be telling her the truth when he says that he consents to the arrangement. I concede that I may not be the appropriate one to comment, but an open relationship needs to have open communication.