[bluesapphire315]

Heres the basics, my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 1/2 years (mainly long distance due to being in different colleges, etc. and we will have a place together by the end of summer) and he asked my mother this weekend if he could marry me (my dad was sick, so he didn't ask him yet) but my mom was very happy about the whole thing and said "welcome to the family". When he told his mother, it was the completely different reaction than what was expected, she seemed like she was upset and just told him "Its your decision". So now we are trying to figure out why his mom is being like this.

He is her only son, maybe thats it? I'm 23 and he's 22. He graduated with his degree from J&W for Food Service Management and has a good job, he is in his training now in Manhattan, which is another reason for the long distance. I am graduating in May with my Nursing degree, so its not like we wont be able to support ourselves. We have no kids together and want to wait about 5 years before we do.

I just don't understand the problem, it has been going through my head that maybe her liking me has been an act and she doesnt really like me too much, I honestly dont know. Why else would she be upset?? This feeling sucks....I've been so happy about this and since I heard this reaction its taking the happiness out of it and it sucks.

He has told me that either way he is going to go through with it, and we are going to go through with our plans; he says he doesnt care what she says but i would always feel that tension with her i bet

Its ****ing us both off because she had the complete opposite reaction than what was expected. Any ideas why??? Its really upsetting me

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Heres the basics, my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 1/2 years (mainly long distance due to being in different colleges, etc. and we will have a place together by the end of summer) and he asked my mother this weekend if he could marry me (my dad was sick, so he didn't ask him yet) but my mom was very happy about the whole thing and said "welcome to the family". When he told his mother, it was the completely different reaction than what was expected, she seemed like she was upset and just told him "Its your decision". So now we are trying to figure out why his mom is being like this.

He is her only son, maybe thats it? I'm 23 and he's 22. He graduated with his degree from J&W for Food Service Management and has a good job, he is in his training now in Manhattan, which is another reason for the long distance. I am graduating in May with my Nursing degree, so its not like we wont be able to support ourselves. We have no kids together and want to wait about 5 years before we do.

I just don't understand the problem, it has been going through my head that maybe her liking me has been an act and she doesnt really like me too much, I honestly dont know. Why else would she be upset?? This feeling sucks....I've been so happy about this and since I heard this reaction its taking the happiness out of it and it sucks.

He has told me that either way he is going to go through with it, and we are going to go through with our plans; he says he doesnt care what she says but i would always feel that tension with her i bet

Its ****ing us both off because she had the complete opposite reaction than what was expected. Any ideas why??? Its really upsetting me

Firstly, she is a mother and you are both young regardless, but congratulations for your love.

So Mother's get protective. Where your Mother may be wrapped at the fact that he is a "good" catch for you, and sees your love, so may his Mother feel the same, only she may also be that protective mother, of "it's too early, your too young" and to refrain from saying this it's "your choice".

I think you are taking it too hard personally. As you have stated that she shows that she likes you.

See how she is with you at the Engagement Party as i am assuming you are going to get engaged now first at which time, tell her how much you love her son and look forward to her being your Mother In Law, and put your arm gently around her.

We all have fears...

Best wishes.

[C]

Being one of those Mother people I can understand just where she is...When our first born son decided to marry I guess I felt the same way...I liked her but he was my son...Good looking and a Jock like his Father and to make it worse she was divorced....He had dated many women before him and she was a year old then he was...I wonder what it is about us Mother's....Sometimes I think this love that we have for our son's is deeper than we thought...

It isn't anything personal about you, but is something within some of us. It is not that we do not like you, it is that we do not want to lose him.....You see in some ways you are taking a part of him that we will never see again. We were his number one woman and now you will be....You are the other woman in this non-sexual but oh so wonderful love between a Mother and a Son that words cannot describe...

Give her time and give her space. She will accept you as I have accepted my new daughter...The first day she called me Mom, I melted...We Mom's just do not have any experience in letting our son's go and some of us mess up......It has nothing to do with you.....It is us.....Honey, just have a wonderful life...Caroline

P.S. Taking her some flowers when you visit, wouldn't hurt.....xox

[bluesapphire315]

Thanks

Thank you both so much for your replys. I figured I would let you know the reason why she was upset. It was a little piece that I didn't know, I guess he didn't mention anything to her face to face before he left home to see me on my birthday weekend. He ended up asking my mom and she was very happy and seeing her reaction to it made him call his mother. When he called his mother, there was no answer. While on the train ride home, he got a hold of her and told her everything on the phone. She was upset because of the whole face to face thing. He talked to her and everything is good now I was just so worried that it had something to do with me, but I have always been hard on myself..so hard on myself that my parents hardly ever had to punish me because I'd punish myself before they even had to. I have gotten better taking it easier on myself, but I still have some work to do.

We aren't engaged yet, but it will obviously be coming soon. I am going on a cruise with him, my mom, and a couple other relatives in my family from June 1-8th. If I know him as well as I think I do, I think that is when it will happen. I'll keep you ladies updated!!!

Thanks again!!!

[macybelle]

Mothers and sons are a hard subject. My MIL still acts like my husband is her baby. She made life hard for me at first and she still says things that cut deep. She has no idea that my kids see her behaving this way and hubby is totally aware and doesn't stand by and allow her to treat me this way. She has gotten so much better but I just have to warn you that they hold on tight to their sons. She has no daugthers and I think she doesn't know how to relate to girls. You will have to deal with her for the rest of your marriage. I hope the best for you and congrats.

[bluesapphire315]

Thanks Macy!! I have that in the back of my mind that she will hold on tight to him. I can understand though since he is her only child. She has been very welcoming of me since the begining though. She does thoughtful things like take me to dinner, bring me to visit some of their relatives, buy me little gifts, packs me food for when I leave, cries when I leave, etc. I know marriage is different, but I am not too worried since she has been accepting of me along with the rest of the family. Plus the fact that the reason why she was upset had nothing to do with me or anything I did.
Thanks again! Not engaged yet, but it seems that it won't be too much longer before I am

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Thanks Macy!! I have that in the back of my mind that she will hold on tight to him. I can understand though since he is her only child. She has been very welcoming of me since the begining though. She does thoughtful things like take me to dinner, bring me to visit some of their relatives, buy me little gifts, packs me food for when I leave, cries when I leave, etc. I know marriage is different, but I am not too worried since she has been accepting of me along with the rest of the family. Plus the fact that the reason why she was upset had nothing to do with me or anything I did.
Thanks again! Not engaged yet, but it seems that it won't be too much longer before I am

You seem to be quite a loving and understanding lady. And she seems to openly give her love back to you, sweet that she cries when you leave, my ex's nan at 97 does that to...

So maybe consider as he is her only son she may feel that she is about to lose him as marriage tends to move away a bit more from family.

Perhaps make a "every Monday night" event and let her know, your place or ours so she feels still connected and has nothing to fear...

But seems your lucky and have blessings from both sides so your family relationships as a unit will be great.

Best wishes for your forthcoming engagement and marriage...

[bluesapphire315]

You seem to be quite a loving and understanding lady. And she seems to openly give her love back to you, sweet that she cries when you leave, my ex's nan at 97 does that to...

So maybe consider as he is her only son she may feel that she is about to lose him as marriage tends to move away a bit more from family.

Perhaps make a "every Monday night" event and let her know, your place or ours so she feels still connected and has nothing to fear...

But seems your lucky and have blessings from both sides so your family relationships as a unit will be great.

Best wishes for your forthcoming engagement and marriage...

Thanks Chandlers! The monday night thing is a good idea, but the only problem is that she is from the Phillipines, so she is planning on going back within the next couple years. I have already said to my boyfriend that when the time comes, she could definately stay with us for a couple days or a week or we could go there to visit her; whichever.

The only person that we are waiting from is my dad, when my boyfriend was up this past weekend, he asked my mom (without me knowing) and asked her if him asking my dad would be a good idea at the time. My dad wasn't feeling so good, so she just told him next time he's here (which will probably be a couple weeks). I am a little nervous because my dad usually always has something to say about everything, but I am hoping that he will be supportive because in the end he'll want me happy. (Hopefully that will be the case...we'll have to see!!)

Thanks again!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Thanks Chandlers! The monday night thing is a good idea, but the only problem is that she is from the Phillipines, so she is planning on going back within the next couple years. I have already said to my boyfriend that when the time comes, she could definately stay with us for a couple days or a week or we could go there to visit her; whichever.

The only person that we are waiting from is my dad, when my boyfriend was up this past weekend, he asked my mom (without me knowing) and asked her if him asking my dad would be a good idea at the time. My dad wasn't feeling so good, so she just told him next time he's here (which will probably be a couple weeks). I am a little nervous because my dad usually always has something to say about everything, but I am hoping that he will be supportive because in the end he'll want me happy. (Hopefully that will be the case...we'll have to see!!)

Thanks again!

Ah the young romance thing, scary isn't it telling parents...

See you would be dad's princess as much as boys are mummy's boys, i am sure that he has always liked your boyfriend and knows this is the progression of the next step.

He may pose the question when do you expect to get married if he thinks you need more time, in which case, you can decide how long your want your engagement. But, if he thinks like this, then you can have a longer engagement doesn't matter, you are committed to each other, and bring it forward once he gets used to the idea more.....

Enjoy, don't stress all seems to be going along very nicely for you...

[macybelle]

You know something my MIL told me once makes me think your future MIL feels this way. She told me that sons always move towards the wifes family. MY MIL did this herself and I have never wanted to be this way. So I try extra hard not to only be about my family or my mother. She needs to know that she is special to you too and obviously she love you. I think she might be scared of losing her son to your family.