[Romy]

Hi Guys,

I'm in need of some advice and the only place I felt I could get it was on this site. I'm hoping you can help.

I'll try and keep it short and to the point.....

Could you be with a man knowing that a previous girlfriend had passed away and if that hadn't happened he has admitted they would still be together. He says (when asked) that she was the best girlfriend he'd ever had. I believe when a situation like this occurs the person who passed away is put on a pedestal and seen as perfect leaving little room for anyone to come close to filling those shoes - not sure if that makes sense.

Would you want to be in a relationship with a widow? Do you think a relationship can be just as special or will the reminders of the past always be present in the relationship? If a man has loved someone to that extent, can he ever really love properly again or is it simple a matter of "she'll do" because he can't be with the one he really wants?

[atskitty2]

Welcome back Romy!

So, how long have you been together and how deep into the relationship did you find out? How did it come up? How much did you really discuss this with him?
I'm going to have to think about this a bit.

It isn't unlike a divorce situation, in which the man didn't wish to be divorced. I dealt with that once, and ultimately decided he wasnt worth the effort. Tricky...i will post more...

[atskitty2]

I am divorced. I had a great marriage once but it fell apart. I'd still be with him otherwise...I loved him completely and was very deeply bonded to him. Always will be in some sense.

At my age, I won't be anyone's first choice. Men have a past, histories with people that aren't me. Whether widowed or divorced, there's often another woman lingering there, in the background. Sometimes she's the mother of their kids and no woman will take her place...Their first real love...

My husband, the relationship we once had, will always be the highest point of happiness for me....until I find it again.

I think it's fine to recollect and treasure good times with past partners. What matters is where our hearts and heads are today.
Can he apply himself wholly to this relationship, or is he stuck in the past? And "sulking" over what might have been? Is he comparing you to her? Is he still actively in the process of grieving?

Is he emotionally ready to move on?

All we have is now. We can only put our faith in what we know to be so now. Is he at a healthy place now? Is he able to share in today's experience with you or is he still dedicated to the past?

So, I don't mean to be insensitive but, I think it's a little like any other separation. Is he over her?

I'm over my divorce 90% I think, but yes, we would still be together if not for.........
Not sure people ever get 100% over death or divorce.
But I have let go. I could dedicate myself to someone knew now.

So talk to him...In more detail, on a little deeper level.

[Motorguy]

Welcome back Romy, it's good to see you. Well my dad live almost 20 years after my mother died. He always said he would never find another women like my mother she spoil him rotten. But he did dated a few women but he never ever really love the women he was dating. But again everyone is completely different as well. Maybe like CW says let him grieve and get it out of his system of losing a old lover. So give him that time but be supported as he will come around again and get pass all this. So again it's good to see you around again big cheers to you. 😃😎💐🍹

[Romy]

I am divorced. I had a great marriage once but it fell apart. I'd still be with him otherwise...I loved him completely and was very deeply bonded to him. Always will be in some sense.

At my age, I won't be anyone's first choice. Men have a past, histories with people that aren't me. Whether widowed or divorced, there's often another woman lingering there, in the background. Sometimes she's the mother of their kids and no woman will take her place...Their first real love...

My husband, the relationship we once had, will always be the highest point of happiness for me....until I find it again.

I think it's fine to recollect and treasure good times with past partners. What matters is where our hearts and heads are today.
Can he apply himself wholly to this relationship, or is he stuck in the past? And "sulking" over what might have been? Is he comparing you to her? Is he still actively in the process of grieving?

Is he emotionally ready to move on?

All we have is now. We can only put our faith in what we know to be so now. Is he at a healthy place now? Is he able to share in today's experience with you or is he still dedicated to the past?

So, I don't mean to be insensitive but, I think it's a little like any other separation. Is he over her?

I'm over my divorce 90% I think, but yes, we would still be together if not for.........
Not sure people ever get 100% over death or divorce.
But I have let go. I could dedicate myself to someone knew now.

So talk to him...In more detail, on a little deeper level.

I knew I this was the place to come to get the best advice and opinions possible. Thank you atskitty2 (and everyone else) for taking the time to tell me your thoughts.

He told me very early on about his past girlfriend and he's had serious relationships since. It's not him with any issues, it's me and I don't know why I have them. I forced him into a corner and his reply was if she hadn't passed away they would still be together and that crushed me. He treats me perfectly and is the most amazing and attentive partner and lover. I couldn't ask for more but I seem to like to torture myself with the fact there's a part of his life I either wish I didn't know about or could not let it affect me as it has just recently. He tells me how much he loves me and how much I mean to him and that I am his world but I feel like I'm second best because he lost his most precious partner and I feel like I can never live up to how he felt about her....and it was twenty years ago. It's all my issues. Partly being insecure I guess. But you're right, everyone over a certain age whose had a few relationships is going to possibly feel something for a previous partner but it doesn't stop them loving their new partner.

My SO tells me often how happy he is that I'm in his life and he never wants me out of it. I just wish I could stop feeling like I'm living in someone else's shadow and it's all my doing!!

Sorry that was so long winded.

[atskitty2]

Again, I hate to be insensitive, but really, nobody knows if they'd still be together now, 20 yrs later. He believes that, because he remembers the state of the relationship then. Things change a lot.

But, it's fine for him to believe that. It is probably a comfort to him.

I honestly don't have much advice otherwise. I think if he isn't dwelling on the past, neither should you. He loves you. Accept it, and treasure it.

I lost my best childhood buddy when we were 21. He'd become a teen daddy, and he had 2 small kids when he died. His wife posts birthday (was today) thoughts each year...its been 20+ yrs since he died now...she remarried long ago but she still misses him and pays tribute to what he meant to her publicly... She's never pretended they had a great life...They struggled as teen parents, but she honors his memory.
I saw the fb post today and thought of you...

I guess, I think...would I want the kind of man that could just forget me? A man that loves that deeply is pretty special I'd think. It speaks to his ability and willingness to love and be honest and all sorts of good things!
I don't have much else to say really.

[Stillness]

I don't see anything wrong with a widow or widower. What would you expect of someone whose mate died prematurely? If they're partners for life, then the only thing that separates them is death. That kind of loyalty is what you want in a mate.

At the same time, death has to be dealt with in a healthy way. You shouldn't compare your mate to past relationships, living or dead. Aside from that, I wouldn't have a problem with it.

[effy2014]

I apologize for being away so long and I hope that this post is not too late. The good news about your story is the recognition that this is not his issue. Nothing you have written indicates that he compares the two of you or is living his life with you thinking that you are second best. You were the one that forced the issue and, to his detriment, he gave you an honest answer. He really had no better options for his answer -- he couldn't say he would have left her for you (that would make him seem like a rat) and she died while he was with her, so he couldn't say that the relationship would have ended.

The only answer is for you not to feel inferior to her. Every post I have read of yours evidences that you are a wonderful partner to him. He believes that you make him happy and he doesn't ever want to lose you. Trust his love for you. He may remember her fondly, but he lives in the present and you need to as well. Don't compete with her. He may have a memory of her, but you are the only living real woman in his life.