[D'vonna]

When you and your significant other argue, how do you keep things under control and stop it from becoming something huge and ugly?


Just wondering from those of you who have had long lasting relationships. Thanks!

[anonymouswhitefemale]

I don't think I can reallly give advice on this....

The old saying don't go to sleep mad at each other, I've done that before and it's generally pretty uncomfortable and seeds resentment. I dunno, unless you both like fighting I guess my point of view is why bother? A relationship shouldn't be about warring, when I care for someone I make an effort not to be nasty to them, and I expect that same effort from them, otherwise to hell with it, get out of my life, I don't need another mother... That sort of thing.

[D'vonna]

Thats what we do....we figure we would rather spend our time happy than upset with each other over something insignificant.

[rcoreyus]

We are not great at this - but a few thoughts:

Keep disagreements in perspective. Don't let a toilet seat up/down arguement turn into a major fight. Don't insist on winning an arguement just to win.

Don't go nuclear. I fthe disagreement is about turning off the upstairs lights, don't let it evolve into an arguement about the entire relationship.

Don't re-open old issues. If someone was flirting with a co-worker at a company party, don't bring up a long-ago breakup over someone neither of you has seen on 20 years.

Remember that you will not agree on everything.

[D'vonna]

That is some good advice...I agree very much with it all, thank you.

We try to just take time to cool down if we get upset with each other, that way hurtful words that are not really meant do not get said.

[missyann]

When me and my BF first started arguing, I had a bad tendency get really quiet and just agree with what he was saying and keep saying "yes, I'm sorry" "I was wrong" "I'm sorry" "You're right" over and over again. I hate getting in arguments and at the time, pacifying him seemed like the thing to do. It actually made it worse and he'd hate it when I'd do that. I found that it was better when we both gave our points, made our arguments, and then decided we could reach middle grounds or else decide that we were indifferent about it and then leave it alone. When you're arguing with him, act as though you're interested and that you'd like to know why he disagrees with you. When both parties do this, your opinions are validated and less emotion is involved in the argument.

[Richard S]

That's such a complex issue. I can't handle too much fighting. I mean, some women escalate arguments into fights because that's just the way they are. I don't have much patience for that.

On the other hand, a relationship that does not have a way for each person to express anger is a relationship that will die sooner or later. I would just say having compatible fighting styles is an indicator of whether that person is the right fit for you.

A lot of it is just maturity, knowing how to pick your battles. True for office politics, too...