[Winged_Muse]

Of course I never mentioned anything about the other guy. I think that whole thing happened specifically for a reason and that was to bring my current relationship into full perspective that it was going towards the failing direction. I brought up the whole thing of not wanting to come home in the evening or be home. he said he felt bad for me having to feel like that.

[amy40]

glad you had a heart to heart talk
as far as the dog have you two taken him to classes?

hope you two can keep conversations up especially since you've been together so long and obviously care for each other

[jns]

WM, good luck and best wishes for which ever way things turn out.

[Ashlee T.]

I hate the thought of anyone making someone feel so guilty for leaving that they don't leave solely for that reason. He really laid the guilt on you and that is NOT the right way to get someone to want to be with you. Threatening suicide if you leave? That's totally unacceptable. No wonder you feel so smothered and pressured. It sounds like he might need some counseling. Best wishes......whatever path you choose.

[Motorguy]

Well WM you need to get out of this relationship now. When a guy says this about killing you and this other guy it's time to pack and get out. I'm sorry but your SO is not a very stable man talking like this.But you being single and spreading your wings could be what the doctors order for you. I say good luck and hope the very best for you in the future. : - )

[Winged_Muse]

I am unfortunately still in a predicament. After our long conversation back in November I've seen very little change like my SO said he would. He changed for maybe a month at most and now we are back in our same old routine. He agreed to allow me space and time to myself and to be independent but I'm afraid it's just not cutting it. I hate to say it, especially after 11 years come March, but my feelings for my SO are gone. I haven't really wanted sex from him or anything for a while lately. He bought himself an Xbox for Christmas and ever since then it's me doing my thing in the evenings and him playing his games. He used to game when we first got together and I was basically ignored..well here it is all over again. I don't know what to do..I'm at a loss right now. My heart and my mind have changed a lot in the last few months. He's been my only real partner for 11 years and I'm seriously wondering if its not time to focus on me, go out and have fun, etc. Hell, I don't even want to get married anymore..the thought of it just turns me away..

[Ashlee T.]

Hey there WM. Glad to see you back. Sorry to hear things haven't gotten better. I think you've just been letting nature takes its course.

"My feelings for my SO are gone..."
"I'm seriously wondering if its not time to focus on me, go out and have fun...."

I think you've answered the dilemma yourself. Leaving will not be easy. There will be times you'll feel horribly guilty, and other times you'll doubt if you made the right decision....and there will definitely be times that you miss him the first couple months. But if you can be patient with yourself and not give in to him then after a few months, I think you'll see things much more clearly.

[jns]

Guys usually don't change.

I'll say it again, guys usually don't change. I've been paying attention for more than 4 decades and I'm a guy myself. This is what I've seen. I wish it was different, but it is what it is.

[macon]

Hi Muse,

I'd second what jns says--guys don't change--but sometimes they do. Some guys change after they crash and burn. I did. I'm still recognizable as the man I was thirty years ago, but after destroying my life twice, I actually did learn to care about people and take responsibility for my own actions and recognize that everything isn't just about me.

But I didn't do it simply because I wanted to. I had to get fired--twice--have a wife leave me, leave another, go bankrupt, have one teenage son quit high school and leave town to get away from druggie friends and the other write me off, and drive my life into the ground with fast living--all that, I did all that, and more. And then I changed. That's what it took.

Most men don't change, and those that do have to crater in a major way at least once before they can, a) recognize that they need to change, b) make the effort to figure out how to change, and, c) actually follow through.

Your man isn't going to change to hold on to you. He won't be able to. He's threatened you. He's threatened suicide. It's not going to work out.

I'm glad to hear the tattoo guy thing ended. That would have just confused the issue. It sounds to me like it's time to move out, do the work of separating your lives, and spend a good long time just being you, without a guy in your life.

I wish you the best and hope you find your way through. It's really hard to end a long relationship, but when it's time, it's time.

Macon

[amy40]

He agreed to allow me space and time to myself and to be independent but I'm afraid it's just not cutting it. I hate to say it, especially after 11 years come March, but my feelings for my SO are gone. I.

WingedMuse
Your November posting sounded hopeful after your long talk with him. However, because you've been with your SO since you were 15, thinking maybe you have grown up. You are no longer a teen. My goodness 15 is so young; you are not the same person. Thinking you missed out on that time of discovery (getting to know yourself and develop your identity).
So even though your SO has given you more independence, imagine you are feeling that need to discover yourself and it is maybe more about you than "you and him."
Since you are not married, you need to have a different talk than the Nov. talk with your SO. Don't think it is so much that maybe you don't love him anymore but more that you've changed and grown up. If you approach him that way, maybe he will understand better should you go your own way. Hopefully, he will help you settle in somewhere else, also. Not saying it won't be hard, but hoping he'll help you and understand you.