[just4me]

There are so many opinions and views on trust. After trust has been broken how do you let someone earn it back or how do you build back trust with someone you've betrayed. How long does it take to do either? Some people think its an immediate thing, oh well I messed up you can forgive and forget and trust me again, just like that. I have a different view of that. I think it takes along time to rebuild trust once its been broken. Or is it even possible to trust that person again??

I've read where people say that because its your spouse you are expected to forgive that person and trust them again. I've read where no you should never trust that person again. Why does the person who betrays you think its so easy to forgive and forget and automatically trust them again???? Why does the person who betrays you place all the blame on you when they are the ones who committed the act????

When do the ones who've been betrayed once or more than once gain the strength and knowledge to realize they deserve better??? When is it ok to just walk away without having to worry about that other persons feelings? I mean after all they weren't considering your feelings when they did what they did, cause had they been they would have never done it. Why is after the fact the betrayel has been committed are they so sorry and have so many excuses? Where was the sorriness before they did it? Why didn't they think of the consequences before doing what they did??

Sorry I may just as though I'm rambling, but I'd like others peoples views.

Have a great day

[Fallen1]

That's tough to answer, and I'm sure there is no one answer that would apply to every case.

As each individual and each situation is different, what's "right" and will work for one may not work for another.

I believe you can forgive, but can you forget?

[Nerd]

I am assuming that you are talking about infidelity.

For me, trust is paramount in a relationship. If that trust is broken I, personally, am unable (or perhaps unwilling) to allow that person to earn my trust again. Once it's gone I am incapable of giving it back. Maybe that will be viewed by some as a lack of strength. But, the betrayer did not show strength when he indulged in an act that broke my trust, and presumably my heart.

When speaking of marriage, I view marriage vows as a sort of contract...an agreement of commitment. I take that commitment very seriously. However, when the other party breaks their end of the agreement, I feel that it voids the contract and that contract cannot be renegotiated. It's done. It will be painful, but it's time to move on.

As far as considering the other person's feelings...too bad. I will treat my partner with the same respect that I am treated. If he disrespected me and our relationship (vows if married) enough to cheat, then his feelings, at this point, are of no concern of mine.


I was married for 12 years and was betrayed. I walked away. It has been 6 years...have I forgiven my ex? No, I don't think I ever will. However, we remain friends.

That's just my view of infidelity and trust. Whether it provides insight, I don't know.

~NerdGirl

[rcoreyus]

I think a marriage without trust is worthless. Here I mean “trust”, not the old cold war “trust but verify” which is not trust at all. Trust means not checking their cell phone records, email, internet history, credit card statements, etc. If you feel you need to check those things, you have a business relationship, not a loving marriage.

It you happen to discover that your partner has violated that trust, I think you have two choices: Abandon the relationship ( you can stay married for practical reasons if you wish), or forgive, and trust again.

Scrutinizing someone while they “earn” your trust is likely to fail. You will never convince yourself that they are not cheating (can’t prove to yourself it didn’t happen), and you may find evidence of cheating even if it didn’t’ happen.

To me, you have lost the greatest part of the value of a relationship if you don’t trust your partner.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

JUST4ME
When do the ones who've been betrayed once or more than once gain the strength and knowledge to realize they deserve better???

I do believe as Fallen1 has said, that each situation is different, some just "smell" rat over and over, and some come out and tell what they did by themselves and ask to be forgiven, some can't leave because of children, or so they think and some just see that and other disrespects in their marriage over and over and know it's time to leave as their heart has let go, and they see and acknowledge that they deserve better.

JUSTEME
Why does the person who betrays you think its so easy to forgive and forget and automatically trust them again????

Because of their own guilt and the need, their needs, not yours... Which is a tough call, because once hurt you may forgive but i don't believe you ever forget and certainly once trust is broken, it is an up hill battle to trust again.

But some may have made a ****** mistake and know it and would never do it again, ever, perhaps they do deserve a "second chance".. But a slow building one on trust as they prove that it was in deed a once of.

And women are emotional so our hearts are bigger and we WANT to be able to trust and believe until a seed is planted that wakes us up and makes us realise then like a little hidden camera, our minds see a mini movie and it all becomes very clear.

Reversed, the hidden camera does not show all those things but love and warmth and so we decide with that heart, to give it another go...

Or, we chose to turn the camera of and not watch it, and confuse our minds that we are right and others are wrong and ignore, until once again, it happens.....

JUST4ME
Have a great day

And back.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

RCOREYUS
Scrutinizing someone while they “earn” your trust is likely to fail. You will never convince yourself that they are not cheating (can’t prove to yourself it didn’t happen), and you may find evidence of cheating even if it didn’t’ happen.

This is very true, i totally agree and should have added that in my above post.

It is i agree, important that if you do decide to "trust" and move on that you do exactly that move on, not start looking for it, as that is only trouble, trust is mutual you are correct.

CW

[Miss Understood]

Trust is a Verb and Noun

Wouldn't you agree trust is a choice to believe the best, regardless of proof and that trust is easy some days harder on others? Some they think of trust as a feeling they need to feel during any and every given situation throughout the entire relationship and that is what is best for them. What is best for someone else may be an "overall" feeling. Others maybe it's flux and each day is a choice to define the person by their past infidelity or not if they have the tell-tale behaviors. Regardless, it probably should be coupled with just really seeing what the relationship is doing TO you if that person is right by you or a million miles away for an hour or a month - proof or not - when you suspect something. We often don't want to know the truth and ignore our guts. That tends to be a pattern we ourselves take on then, we mistrust our own ability to judge things correctly - why? Simply because we can't or rather don't find out if your instincts prove true or not. That's where I've been silly. I saw the wife give him enough "false trust" rope to hang himself, yet the actual proof to her trusting him or not was in her monitoring him secretly and openly both, and accusing him constantly. In this case she was right - and you know - she knew she was right but didn't want to believe it. Seeing this behavior in her, I was silly to think she would every "really" try to catch him and then leave him. If she wanted to leave him, she could simply have left for how she was feeling about herself and him, she didn't need to have proof. Little me was waiting for the "I've had enough" realization to hit her, but if a woman is willing to deny her gut instinct, she is willing to endure staying married to him and just hope it will never happen again. She'd rather live with the fear of another woman, than the fear of being alone. I finally realize that the denying wife and the denying mistress are very much alike in one sense - they are both scared to death of being alone - again.

And about the deflection of guilt stuff - that's exactly what it is. The cheater does feel guilty, but as they say misery loves company and to deflect attention from themselves to you is the easiest tactic they have because they know you will then go into defense mode. Most of us are wired that way don't you think? Get accused, immediately defend. Anyway - the other part is why does anyone lie? I read something earlier that made 100% sense... 1. to avoid consequences / punishment or 2. to gain reward. In these cases, usually #1 from the wife and #2 from the mistress.

I admit I'm still all mixed up from my newly crushed involvement with a married man and I am learning how much denial and fear was leading my behavior. It still is, but those memories of "the good old days" lurk and hurt deep. I hope you heal, I hope we all heal no matter which person of the triangle we may be.

[just4me]

And women are emotional so our hearts are bigger and we WANT to be able to trust and believe until a seed is planted that wakes us up and makes us realise then like a little hidden camera, our minds see a mini movie and it all becomes very clear.

Reversed, the hidden camera does not show all those things but love and warmth and so we decide with that heart, to give it another go...

Or, we chose to turn the camera of and not watch it, and confuse our minds that we are right and others are wrong and ignore, until once again, it happens.....



I believe without trust that you do not have a solid foundation for a good relationship. I agree with what you said here CW.

You know my situation, as does anyone else here that has read my posts. I have still been struggling with everything. He pops in and out, fusses that I have no trust or faith in him. Still places so much blame on me. And still doesn't get the fact that its not just about what he has done but that I'm finally done "sharing" him. That I want and deserve more and want a man who is "just" mine. He seems to think if he proceeds with his divorce (now after 3 years) that I will stay. BUT my point is his proven past of so many affairs and womanizing that how I could I ever trust in him. NOT for just what he has done to me, but to his wife and all the countless others he has hurt along the way. He thinks its unfair that all that comes in to play on how I feel.

Now I understand that if you do decide to forgive and trust again then thats that and you move on, letting it all go. Not looking for more and not throwing at each other everytime an arguement arises. But with the circumstances as mine are thats a little difficult. I think I just need to remember the saying " a leopard can't change its spots". And that even if he could he wouldn't....

I've finally realized all the times he has said "I always come back to you" is yes you have BUT thats because I have always let you come back and I have always taken your ****...that is why he always comes back.

So therefore I have to turn on my camera and watch all that he has done to me to hurt me so to keep him away and not give him my heart anymore.

Trust is earned and I believe trust is also an aspect of respect for another human being. Anger makes you tired and bitter, I know I have been. And I no longer want to be bitter and tired. I want to be happy, I want to trust again, I want to be treated as equal..not as you play by my rules and all will be fine kinda thing. I also no longer want to be blamed for everything little or big thing that goes wrong. I want someone to stand beside me, not infront of or behind me.

[Miss Understood]

Open with Boundaries

Hi JustForMe, I enjoy your posts on this and wanted to make a comment on your last quote "In life we all have an unspeakable secret, an irreversible regert, an unreachable dream and an unforgettable love..."

Yes perhaps we do but it kind of triggered something - they seem to disappear faster when we let light in on everything to expose and chase out the dark part of those things. For instance, if you have hidden that unspeakable secret for very long, it eats at you and until you share it with just one person - just admit and get out that dark ooze it sometimes fees like - well it just stays and makes you kind of sick. The unreachable dream is the tricky one because sometimes it's merely timing or other things that can change in due time - but much of the time it is because we are waiting for something we are not in control of to change - like someone's choices about what they clearly want in their dream or if they are healthy enough to be in the relationship we need.

Yet, I appreciate your quote because it reminds me in life I have a choice to let light in on lots of things, I have a choice to be around people that make me into a better person and healthier person or a worse person, and I have a choice to step back and see "my way" to the dream may be flawed or the dream itself may need "tweeking."

What we want is "x" person to fulfill our many human needs, we don't want to risk exposing ourselves one more time and let someone in with that God given ability to choose to leave. I am seeing that although I don't like the outcome of other people's choices I have no control over them and until I sincerely don't even want to control their choice but rather find the person who chooses freely things that make me a better person with or without them, that I'll never be free. Here's a quote someone gave me years ago I always try to remind myself of even if I don't have the "choice of 2 men" as this is about, it's the principal of what I should value in someone else... Someone cut and paste it for me to read so I don't know what book it's from...

It's like the story Ellie shared. She talked about two men she had dated, liked, and considered marrying, but finally had decided on James. She told her friend, "When I was with Michael, I thought he was the most wonderful person in the world." Her friend said, "I'm confused. If Michael was so wonderful, why didn't you choose him? Why did you choose James?" "Because," Ellie said, "When I was with James, he made me feel like I was the most wonderful person in the world."

[just4me]

Oh and CW and Fallen1..now I've been told that I have a HUGE attitude problem... Imagine that???