[Ashlee T.]

After reading that she went on a 14 month friendship hiatus after your husbands death, that makes me think even more that she is a bit of a selfish friend. I know that many people just simply don't know how to deal with someone who is grieving, but leaving your best friend after her husbands death and not even checking in for 14 months is just not okay.

I think keeping your distance is your best solution to this. Reach out occasionally, invite her to dinner or something now and then, but let that be it. If she is not willing to make any effort for your friendship, I'm not sure you'd be losing much.

[Needytoo]

The thing is Beautiful Disaster, no one was there for my boys and me, it was a very dark time and I don't wish that on anyone.

I spoke to Rosie yesterday afternoon, she is not in a good spot. A few of us are going over this afternoon for an intervention.

[Needytoo]

Didn't go so well yesterday. I know she is in a lot of pain, I have given her advice and so much support and for the last year of so all she has given me so much pain. I can't do it anymore; I am done.

[Ashlee T.]

I'm sorry it didn't go well. What was her reaction?

[Needytoo]

I spoke to Sheri (has worked in the mental health field) in the morning regarding Rosie and she said we should go over to her place instead of skiing. I texted Rosie and even called her to let her know we were going over in the afternoon. No reply back. Sheri and I picked up a pizza and bought a cake and brought it over to her place. I haven't been over there for months because Rosie never returns my calls. Going down her mile-long driveway I saw the scum bag contractors boat parked there. Then I saw a bunch of cars parked and a huge bonfire going and a bunch of people I never have seen before. I saw Rosie off in the distance laughing and having a great time, we dropped off the food and left.

I am done with the drama and lies.

Rosie texted Sheri thanking her for the food and that she had some tickets for some New Years Eve party if we wanted them.

[Ashlee T.]

Wow. So she had the NYE party she planned but just lied to you about it? Sounds like maybe she's got more of a life going on than she has been willing to admit. I can't say I blame you one single bit for being done.

[jns]

Sometimes friends part and go different ways. Lying is not part of a friendship. It sounds like whatever friendship there was is now over. Best wishes.

[DreamP346]

Reading all your post, here is my thoughts (a little late).
There seems to be lots of miscommunication. Like last year, did you ask her to pay for the food for NYE party?
Your friend may be hanging out with the wrong crowd. That may be why she is not being a good friend.

My advice, life is too short for such drama. Find new friends. I know that is easier said than done. I have had success with meetup. I actually host a group on it, but I also attend other groups. It's a great way to connect with people of similar interests. Another way was connecting to my college alumnae Facebook forum. I suddenly discovered other alums in my area. I went to a small college so it was like connecting with a sorority. I've heard churches/other religious groups are a good place. Other parents also. Don't post online for friends. I tried so many times. Started corresponding with people that sounded like my type of people and then they would just fizzle out.

[macon]

Hi Needytoo,

I missed that there were two pages before I wrote the following. Sad. I post it anyway because maybe there's something in it, but really, what Dream says sounds great. Not everyone's a joiner, though. I do offer something at the end toward that way of being.

I'm really sorry to hear Rosie cut you out. Likely the contractor situation contributed to that. However it happened, though, I applaud your decision to write her off. That's my take. But I offer below more than one approach.

I've managed to maintain few friends over my life, and those few who remain are out of town and not companions or confidants. The one time I really put the effort into a friend, I ended up writing him off (I also am a man). We always had a good time when together. We shared woes from divorce and children and were on the same page about adventures with women. It worked well for me, and for him as far as I could tell. But never once did he call me; I made every call and suggested every outing. I got tired of it and quit calling. I never heard from him.

I don't understand why you put such effort into Rosie. Was she so close you needed her and hated to give that friendship up? I recommend letting people go before it gets bad. It might feel as though you should give it everything; you can feel you did all you could. But few relationships, truth be told, are worth all that. Life is too short to pour love down the drain. Others in the world will return your love. Like a mate, a friend should care as deeply about you as you about her (or him).

On the other hand, I let some out-of-town friendships languish for years, one for decades. Several friends kept trying. Then I cratered my life and I learned to see relationships differently and made a halfhearted effort to reconnect. Then I cratered my life again, even harder, and learned to actually start to be human. I responded to these friends, and we now enjoy good, if distant, friendships. These women kept investing, for no return, year after year. Not all that much, it's true, but they kept the line open. Were I they, I'd've let it drop. However, people do change. Not a often and not very many of them, but it happens. Maybe it's worth it to stand back, maybe way back, with a card now and then, expecting nothing. Costs little and might pay off.

Friends are hard to find. Others' suggestions to volunteer, etc., are, I think, good; I'm not a joiner, so I have no experience. I actually like your idea to advertise. Relationship sites sort people by various compatibilities and let you learn __some__ things about people fast. You still have to put in the hours with those you want to try out. In my experience, such sites work great for sorting people to find a mate (though, in reference to my posts elsewhere, such relationships can drift as well). I'd give it a try and see what you get.

Macon

[martinnathalie9]

This is a very complex situation, one that I feel for you deeply. I can understand that you are trying to keep everyone happy but most importantly keep them on a positive track. You have clearly done so well fighting your own battles and finding a rhythm that works well for you, going out and doing activities. I guess time in this case may be the greatest healer for Rosie... perhaps she's not quite made it to where you are ( I know you want to help her get there but is she ready do you think ? )

I would suggest putting more time and energy into yourself, let your friends know you are there and be present, send regular texts and messages but try not to take it personally when they are perhaps not received as well as you'd like. Maybe them seeing how happy you are and busy with your activities will inspire your friends to want to ado the same and this may be when they come to you and say... I'm ready.