[Needytoo]

Hello everyone, I am writing to all of you in hopes someone can shed some advice. I hope I can keep my message brief.

I am 50 years old and 4 years ago my husband passed. People who I thought were friends were not there for me and there wasn't really any support from family. I worked hard on myself and I have come very far. I do a lot of activities some with friends but mostly alone. I got my dream job and loving it.

I would say I have two "good" friends or what I thought was "good". One of my friend's is also a widow, lets call her Rosie. We have known each other as acquaintances for 20 years before our tragedy hit us both. We use to do a lot of things together and then she started cancelling on me. I would say she would cancel on me 95 % of the time. She told me she became friends with this contractor fellow and how smart he was. My contractor kept delaying so I decided to take her word this guy was good. The guy did a horrible job and is a total scum bag and now I am suing him. This scum bag also took her for some money as well. I don't know if she is still in contact with the scum bag. Rosie has been diagnosed with PTSD and is having issues with her family. There is lots of drama, which is course different than my issues because family just isn't around. I try to be a friend to her, but it really is hard. We will make plans and she cancels, and she often doesn't return my texts or calls. Last New Years we spent it together. She said we were having a party at her place. I paid for the groceries and booze to the tune of around $600 thinking she would pay some of it back. No one came to her party (not sure if she invited anyone) and she kept the food and booze and didn't pay me back. She said she is having party this year and has invited me. I am really trying to be supportive but when do I say enough is enough.
Now onto my other friend, lets call her Sheri. Sheri is one of those friends that can do annoying things. I have opened up to her regarding things and once in awhile she will bring it up in away that makes my blood boil, but nonetheless to say we have become friends. She has opened up to me as well. Unfortunately her and her husband are separating in the New Year. We usually do something together once a month. She isn't in the greatest mood and I really want to be there for her but she also isn't returning my call or text messages. I get it, it is a hard time.

So here is the thing, I want friends who are ready to get out there and live life. I get it, sometimes life sucks! I spent a year and half starring at a wall, and I am done with that. Life is so short and we really need to live it. I already do a lot of activities and have met a lot of great ladies but still haven't found that friendship connection. So guess my question is, if you were me would you place an online ad for a friend?

[amy40]

Sorry for your loss!

It seems what you are doing is right by taking part in a lot of activities. If you aren't finding the connections you want, try some totally new interests, take some classes, do volunteer work. Invite some neighbors or work friends for a dinner, super bowl party, or barbecue in the summer.

Also, you don't necessarily need to look for people your own age. You could even do something like volunteer with big brother/ big sister program. Form a connection with a younger person. So many kids needing that adult role model.
So continue to get out there and do what ever you want to do! Don't stay in because you don't have a friend to take with you. And when you are out there having fun and enjoying yourself, you may find that other person who is just like you.

[Ashlee T.]

I can see where you're coming from. There are a few different angles here. The first one is, real friendships sustain throughout times of difficulty and change. Real friendships are there through the dark, the depression, the cancellations, the changes in behavior, etc. BUT, real friendship is also two sided. Is Rosie making any effort to maintain any sort of friendship with you? What about Sheri?

It seems like you're a pretty understanding person. And maybe you aren't expecting enough from your friendships. They may not be at the same place you are in life, but they should still be making an effort to be a friend. If they are not and you can look back and say you are initiating all contact, then I'd probably step aside and let them come to you.

I like amy's advice a lot. My mom has been widowed now for 16 years. I have watched her create new friendships by stepping out of her comfort zone. She has joined onto travel groups who are going to tour another country, and in that she has made long term friendships and travel buddies. She joined a community choir and has made friends from that. I think joining a gym if you're not already and going to some aerobics classes may also be a way to meet new people and potential friends. I'm pretty introverted but I see lots of friendship making in my aerobics classes.

Also, as amy said, don't let being solo stop you. Its when you're out and about doing your own thing that you'll meet others like you.

I'm sorry about the loss of your husband. I know from watching my mother go through that when she was your age that it is extremely difficult.

[Needytoo]

Thank- you amy40 and Beautiful Disaster for your replies. I am a bit of a sign-up junkie and love it. I am going to try a new volunteering adventure in the New Year. Sometimes, other ladies I know sign up with me and are so glad I give them the push to do it. I like the idea of joining a travel group, I will add that to my list.
Rosie goes through periods of contacting me and then there will be silence. I have a hard time being honest with her and tell her how I worry about her and in the same note what she does to drive me crazy. She often complains that her best friend abandoned her in her time of need.

[Ashlee T.]

Well, definitely don't be another friend that abandons her in her time of need. BUT, don't let her take advantage of the friendship either. Her problems are important, they are valid and if she has been a good friend to you then she's certainly worthy of your attention. BUT, your life is important too whether you're going through valleys or peaks. I think if your friendship is important to you, talking to her about the things that you want to talk to her about is important.

I was friends with someone for years and I truly loved her. When tragedy struck her and me, at the same time (it's a long story) we grieved together. A year or so later, I made the decision to start living again and to start trying to redefine happiness in my life. She did not and she quickly became resentful of me for me. Soon enough, the friendship was one sided. I initiated all contact, I made all the effort....and when she did respond to me it was ALWAYS something negative (not even related to the tragedy, but just anything). Eventually, I gave up. Truth be known, she pushed me away on purpose. I was no longer serving the needed purpose for her. So it was better for me in the long run to make my exit from her life.

Your situation is different. I don't think it's at the point it was with my friend but I do think it's important to remember that YOU are important in the friendship too and no matter what a friend is going through, a good friend will periodically ask about YOU too. I have some great friends who I have periods of silence with. I think we all just get caught up in our daily lives and time passes us by.

[Needytoo]

Maybe she resents me as well, very hard to tell, I feel she has been pushing me away for awhile. She invited me over for New Years which I assumed has been canceled. The grief monster is a very consuming thing, and the only person that actually can fight it is you. Guess I will give her the space.

[Ashlee T.]

It truly is consuming. I think we should all be free from judgment during the time immediately after tragedy. But then there does come a point in time where those who love you should not condone or support ill behavior on your part. For instance, if you were being a crappy friend, it would be best if your closest friends spoke up. Perhaps the NYE thing is a good opportunity for you to reach out and then when she says its cancelled, let her know that you did not make other plans because you wanted to be at her party.

The feeling of being pushed away. This one was a real confusion for me in my own situation. She had other people in her life who were happy, who had lives.....and she did not push them away. So, why me? I will never truly be sure if our friendship just never meant to her what it did to me in the first place, or if she as part of her own grief just needed to push some people away. Your friend may or may not even be aware that is how she's making you feel. I told my friend, in writing (so I'd have documentation...lol) that I felt she was pushing me away and that I didn't want to lose her friendship and didnt' want her to treat me differently. It did zero good so that was also my sign to exit.

I was thinking that maybe if you two are talking again about all this and her former best friend who she says abandoned her comes up, maybe you could nicely add your own feelings in there as well. Maybe she doesn't even realize she does this kind of thing? And maybe that's exactly where her other friend abandoned her.

[Needytoo]

Rosie was one of two that showed up at my house the day my husband passed. After his funeral, we use to text each other but I didn't see her. It was 14 months later when her husband passed that I saw her again. Since I knew first hand how being abandoned felt like I made a point to be there for her. It worked well for both of us. Then the canceling started, the rotten contractor and the list goes on and on. She knows I don't have many friends and right now she hasn't returned any of my messages. This isn't good. I wonder if she even cares.
On a good note, Sheri contacted me and we are going cross-country skiing on Saturday. Then I will try and stay up to bring in the New Year.

[amy40]

Then the canceling started, the rotten contractor and the list goes on and on. She knows I don't have many friends and right now she hasn't returned any of my messages. This isn't good.

She became friends with the contractor and you are suing him. He might be mad at her for giving his name to you and so now maybe she is mad at you? Is this possible?

[Needytoo]

Rosie's adult children hate this guy, which I can understand since the moment I met my stepmother I didn't like her as well. When I met him got the creep factor from him right away, respect your intuition it is there for a reason. I thought I was just sensitive, but I did talk to Rosie before hiring the man. She went on and on how brilliant he was so I thought what the heck I need the work done. I said I didn't want this guy to ruin our friendship and she said it wouldn't. The man is a total con. He is in his 50s and doesn't even own a car. I hired him to do my weeping tiles, and he did such a horrible job my house was in worse shape afterward. I had to have it all dug up and redone. She says she feels horrible but she still kept friends with him. Of course, I can't control that and what he did is between him and me but I do feel she should have stopped their relationship, but she didn't she even gave him money and as far as I know hasn't repaid her.
Rosie did text me last night, the party is off. I am not surprised; I knew she would cancel when she invited me.