[Miss Understood]

So, if you have read my original post you know I have been completely dismissed by my previous man, yes a married man I believed would divorce and I was silly to hold out and wait for it to happen as I became more and more miserable. He ended it by inviting me to a public fast food place for lunch, small talk, chat, laughing etc... then I ask why so distant and ask for serious answers. Regardless of details, summary I was dismissed so he could concentrate on trying to fix his marriage full time said he "couldn't do 2 relationships any more." I didn't expect him to and he knew that, I had been telling him he needs to be honest with her if he ever wants to heal his marriage but he of course refused. He made the choice to keep everything a secret and not say a word. Humiliatingly after 2 YEARS with me, took him that long to figure out to improve his marriage he needed to remove the mistress.

I was cut off at that moment, things got ugly, we parted, I called his house in sheer anger and asked for him, long story short that was the last I heard of him obviously, his wife I have NO idea what she even knows but that is the point and 1/2 of what is driving me crazy with sleepless nights of insomnia - a routine situation in my life for a long time. I feel amputated without the details of "what the heck just happened?" 2 years, gone in a few minutes, a huge fight, he said he never meant for me to hurt like this was the last words he says to me, then I get a text after I called his home asking for him saying I ruined his life and hoped I was happy. Anyway, I want to heal from all this but the part about the quick exit, and no discussion in private about things, and no contact whatsoever since, and I don't even know if he's continued to minimize everything - I feel he's just somehow minimized what we were and for how long, and she is feeling actually sorry for him like I'm some disgruntled admirer. If you read my earlier posts you realize I am battling also Borderline Personality Disorder which plays into this... part of that plays out in not being able to let go of relationships and being unable to let go of the constant negative and confusing thoughts that go over and over in my mind.

How can I possibly move on if I don't have more closure thanhaving my 2 year relationship severed over a lunch and never to hear from him again. He lives very close, which makes it worse. The not knowing, then not discussing, the no closure thing is just killing me. How am I going to heal again? I'm desperately sad and confused and can't contact him at all or things will be even worse. So I sit and wait for his contact, I am very scared he will never contact me again or clear this confusion of why he handled things this way and what that 2 years was between us. Please give me your insight, please don't condemn me. But also vote in the post.... do you think he will contact me again soon or not. This happened just 2 months ago.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

So, if you have read my original post you know I have been completely dismissed by my previous man, yes a married man I believed would divorce and I was silly to hold out and wait for it to happen as I became more and more miserable. He ended it by inviting me to a public fast food place for lunch, small talk, chat, laughing etc... then I ask why so distant and ask for serious answers. Regardless of details, summary I was dismissed so he could concentrate on trying to fix his marriage full time said he "couldn't do 2 relationships any more." I didn't expect him to and he knew that, I had been telling him he needs to be honest with her if he ever wants to heal his marriage but he of course refused. He made the choice to keep everything a secret and not say a word. Humiliatingly after 2 YEARS with me, took him that long to figure out to improve his marriage he needed to remove the mistress.

I was cut off at that moment, things got ugly, we parted, I called his house in sheer anger and asked for him, long story short that was the last I heard of him obviously, his wife I have NO idea what she even knows but that is the point and 1/2 of what is driving me crazy with sleepless nights of insomnia - a routine situation in my life for a long time. I feel amputated without the details of "what the heck just happened?" 2 years, gone in a few minutes, a huge fight, he said he never meant for me to hurt like this was the last words he says to me, then I get a text after I called his home asking for him saying I ruined his life and hoped I was happy. Anyway, I want to heal from all this but the part about the quick exit, and no discussion in private about things, and no contact whatsoever since, and I don't even know if he's continued to minimize everything - I feel he's just somehow minimized what we were and for how long, and she is feeling actually sorry for him like I'm some disgruntled admirer. If you read my earlier posts you realize I am battling also Borderline Personality Disorder which plays into this... part of that plays out in not being able to let go of relationships and being unable to let go of the constant negative and confusing thoughts that go over and over in my mind.

How can I possibly move on if I don't have more closure thanhaving my 2 year relationship severed over a lunch and never to hear from him again. He lives very close, which makes it worse. The not knowing, then not discussing, the no closure thing is just killing me. How am I going to heal again? I'm desperately sad and confused and can't contact him at all or things will be even worse. So I sit and wait for his contact, I am very scared he will never contact me again or clear this confusion of why he handled things this way and what that 2 years was between us. Please give me your insight, please don't condemn me. But also vote in the post.... do you think he will contact me again soon or not. This happened just 2 months ago.

Hi Missunderstood.

Firstly, i don't believe anyone is about to condemn you but will provide our own opinions as you have asked.

I read both of your posts before this one and it appears that you are desperatley seeking answers.

I read above what you also are suffering regarding a disorder.


Your husband did this to you many years ago and that must surely have hurt deeply at that time as his wife.

So perhaps you were a trusting person then and perhaps this has lead you to say who cares and entered into that exact relationship that he did to you, only you are / were that person.

It is difficult for sure to have "wasted years" some with a man who did you wrong, that you were married to and some with a man that was married to someone else that has done you wrong...

You are not both lonly people, he was married and chose to have the affair with you, she has chosen to not follow her gut feeling, perhaps as she does not want to feel the pain. The exact pain you would have felt when you were the wife and perhaps a simular pain you are feeling now. That is her choice.

He has made his.

But you deserve better and you don't deserve to be with a married man, think back on how it effected you when you were married... Knowing this, you don't either deserve to do it to another wife.. That is not condemning but you need to see that, it is wrong. It was wrong for your husband to do it to you and for you to do it to someone elses husbands wife.

If you wish to heal, then you need remember how you felt and know that this man is not worth it anyway and this time you are lucky because 2 years is a long time but it could have been 5, or 10. (Wasted years).

MissUnderstood
How can I possibly move on if I don't have more closure thanhaving my 2 year relationship severed over a lunch and never to hear from him again.

It is closed. He told you all he wants to, what you wanted to hear was that he had loved you and that he only went back to his wife because he felt he had to.

He didn't, he wanted to and felt that you were in the way of him being able to work it out with her.

It is closed and you need to not only heal but find the love you are looking for in an unattached man and therefore, no longer feel the pain.

You also need to let go of what your husband did to you..

Close the book now yourself and move in all the right directions.

Forgive yourself, understand that it was wrong and heal and be happy.

CW

[Miss Understood]

[QUOTE][You are not both lonly people, he was married and chose to have the affair with you, she has chosen to not follow her gut feeling, perhaps as she does not want to feel the pain. The exact pain you would have felt when you were the wife and perhaps a simular pain you are feeling now. That is her choice.

He has made his.QUOTE]
Thanks for the input CW. I realize you are right everyone gets to make their own choice, and I do not get the choice to get what I want from this, they get to choose their own path. Yet, it's hard because for so long he said he was with her because she threatens to take his only child from him if she ever caught him. Yes, could be just a threat, but he sure was shook by it a lot seriously. So I felt like what just happened? Did she get so suspicious you just needed to disappear and didn't have the heart to tell me you needed to do this to keep your family. I guess I was hoping for the ideal, if he were to cut things off to actually be up front about it, not do the slowly disappearing feel. He even admitted he never thought he would ever have real feelings for me because he knew he could never leave his situation, but he did end up having feelings for me and it was tearing him apart and couldn't handle hurting 2 women. I just wish I knew what brought it all on exactly, and why he isn't in touch. It honestly is not like him. Not at all.

And again, women could you please at least do the poll? I'd appreciate it. Thanks! and thanks again CW....

[CHANDLERS WISH]

[quote=Miss Understood;36757]

[You are not both lonly people, he was married and chose to have the affair with you, she has chosen to not follow her gut feeling, perhaps as she does not want to feel the pain. The exact pain you would have felt when you were the wife and perhaps a simular pain you are feeling now. That is her choice.

He has made his.QUOTE]
Thanks for the input CW. I realize you are right everyone gets to make their own choice, and I do not get the choice to get what I want from this, they get to choose their own path. Yet, it's hard because for so long he said he was with her because she threatens to take his only child from him if she ever caught him. Yes, could be just a threat, but he sure was shook by it a lot seriously. So I felt like what just happened? Did she get so suspicious you just needed to disappear and didn't have the heart to tell me you needed to do this to keep your family. I guess I was hoping for the ideal, if he were to cut things off to actually be up front about it, not do the slowly disappearing feel. He even admitted he never thought he would ever have real feelings for me because he knew he could never leave his situation, but he did end up having feelings for me and it was tearing him apart and couldn't handle hurting 2 women. I just wish I knew what brought it all on exactly, and why he isn't in touch. It honestly is not like him. Not at all.

And again, women could you please at least do the poll? I'd appreciate it. Thanks! and thanks again CW....

I guess i have read a lot of "he said" here, so don't take that hard.. It just always seems to be " the wife" she is the bad person or i wouldn't be doing this, she this she that and well, you know the rest, everyone's heart breaks and then it's over and the pain and suffering continues.

I guess it is hard for you as he hasn't said anything further to the above but that may be cause, he really did think he didn't love his wife anymore and now maybe he does.

I just think taking you to a public place saying things as he did was cold and calous and i wish that you weren't left wondering and could just start now to move on that's all.

My vote as i can't tick now, will be no love. I don't.

Take care.

CW

[anonymouswhitefemale]

An affair with a married man for two years? Well, that was always going to end badly. He sounds like a bar stuard anyway, you're best of without him. Next time you neet a guy... Look for a ring on his finger.

What can I say? You walked into that one.

I suppose it's up to you if you want to walk away from it with dignity or scratching and crawling at him, getting angry and telling his wife etc.

[Miss Understood]

An affair with a married man for two years? Well, that was always going to end badly. He sounds like a bar stuard anyway, you're best of without him. Next time you neet a guy... Look for a ring on his finger.

What can I say? You walked into that one.

I suppose it's up to you if you want to walk away from it with dignity or scratching and crawling at him, getting angry and telling his wife etc.

PS - Thanks for the perspective - also I do regret freaking out and calling his house. It honestly was primarily to reach him, but it was that I was soooo mad I didn't care who answered. I did not tell her details, didn't admit anything just was inappropriate in asking where her husband was, and when she said she didn't know I repeated back to her "you don't even know where your husband is?" She said no - then asked if this was Mary - that is NOT my name. Talk about a blow to the ego. So she suspected another person was calling her. Well, you get where that took my mind - suspect he may / probably was flirting if not in another relationship when she said that. However my email name does have a kind of rhyme with Mary and more to it so maybe that was her guess was my name was Mary so I figure if that's the case she already really knew about me but was searching for more proof to throw at him. Anyway, I am trying Anonymous... to be dignified in this. It's hard after you "lose it." It's a huge uphill battle to even want to be involved with a man again. Not because I'm a man hater at all, I just feel so drained from loving and being severed from that person. It just hurts so much I don't know if I can give myself in whole in that trustful way in the future. But I'm hopeful, this is a process and maybe the healing is coming. Any insight is appreciated, your posts are quite a different perspective so I like to hear the different sides to things. Thanks again, Sincerely, Miss U.