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My wife has lost interest in affection and sex; I need advice.

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  • Originally posted by macon View Post
    She sees counseling as a waste of time.
    .
    Glad you were able to have a long talk with your wife. Sorry that she is resistant to counselling. With your last post, it is evident that there is a lot of hurt and blame on both sides affecting your relationship and thus your sexual intimacy. With so much there even dating back to the begining of your relationship, it seems a counsellor would be beneficial to help you two towards healing your relationship and give a neutral third party perspective. Sorry, she is not open to getting help.
    Makes me wonder why she thinks counselling would be a waste of time.

    Comment


    • I admittedly have not kept up the this thread for a few days (I have some catching up to do!), but I just want to say:

      macon , I like you. I want you to stay at WH forever. Will you stay forever? No pressure or anything. Lol! :-)
      "Be what you're looking for."

      Comment


      • Originally posted by amy40 View Post
        Makes me wonder why she thinks counselling would be a waste of time.
        I think that she is afraid that the counselor may come up with something she does not like or is not prepared to do.
        I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
        ...
        Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

        From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

        Comment


        • I wonder if you told her that you have this sex drive that is not going away and asked her what she suggests should be done about it. What answer would she give? I know she has already suggested vasectomy, a solution that can lead to lower or no sex drive and weight gain.
          I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
          ...
          Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

          From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

          Comment


          • Hi Beautiful Disaster, Amy, and jns. I keep being grateful that people keep checking in on me. Thank you!

            Beautiful Disaster: You have NO idea how good that makes me feel. I always do my best to read carefully and consider what to say, then, once again, I pour out 1000 words of whatever blah blah and feel like yeah, that's just right. Ten minutes after I post, I feel pretentious, obnoxious, selfish, and stupid. Virginia Woolf wrote of her character Orlando struggling to write: "He wrote and it seemed good; read and it seemed vile." Sums it up. And that's just the writing; here the point is the giving. F me! I have no idea what I'm doing.

            So much to say I'm glad anything I write has value for someone. I've never done forums before; seemed like a time suck. I have to say it does suck up time, but I get so much from people; where I am I need support, and you and the others really help. Thank you!

            Amy: Me blaming? I'm blind and ashamed to say I thought I had the high ground cinched on this one. I see now what you're saying. I'll try harder to own stuff.

            I've spent so many years in counseling that I couldn't begin to sum it up or remember the therapists. And out of it I was just a kinder, gentler mess. Drugs gave me a new life. End. My wife observed some of that and drew the same conclusion I've come to: talk therapy for individuals is good for acute problems, worthless for chronic ones. However, I feel a therapist could translate for a couple, help each see the other in different light. Her sense of it is maybe probably not. I see a psychiatrist for meds and a listen now and then, but I'll retch if I sit another minute in a therapist's office. Still, I'd do it. But of all in that conversation that went not my way, her refusal on this was the least, though it was telling.

            jns: Hadn't known that about vasectomy. Sex is a big part of how I see myself; less interest would feel very, very weird. You may be right about her response to counseling. She's very forthcoming though. I'm not sure if adding counseling would move the ball.

            Update: She's clearly given it all some thought. Last few days she's responded, I've responded to her. It faltered and I despaired; I drew back, then she gave some more. We've set loose an emotional fire hose. Last night she asked me to do her hard. It was wonderful, for both of us it seemed. Today, kind of aloof. And like that. But the train is moving.

            As always, thank you each of you. I'm hunting around looking for ways to give back.

            Macon
            ______________________

            Give all your love now. For all we know we might be dead by tomorrow.

            Comment


            • She was me!! Hormones, health, weight, self loathing, stress!! It can be be any number of factors affecting Getting my sexy back with weight loss and balancing my hormones with nutrition is what worked for me!! Everyone has their own story of why and you have to figure out what that is. Plan a date night, make it romantic but let her lead, if it doesn't end in passion, try it again....build her trust....because the first time you do it she will think that is your goal...surprise her and make her feel that you just wanted her company...not a motive for a night of passion....do it a second..third time... I think you will see things change!!

              Comment


              • Hi Shift,

                It's good to hear from a woman who's been where my partner is. If you don't mind telling more, I'd love to know what tipped you from where you were to where you are. I want to know what to watch for, because nothing is happening that I can see. She'll agree to sex now and then, but it's this awkward thing, like strangers locked in a room, because we have no intimacy, and intimacy is what I want; sex is just an aspect of that.

                I like your idea but I'm getting angry. She and I talked about the problem a few weeks ago and next day it seemed like she was trying to make a change. I didn't ask for sex; I made that clear. "Touch me," I said. "Kiss back." It was better for a few days, then trailed off. Now we're back to no touching and no responding to my touch, kissing like she's my aunt. Honestly, I don't feel like romancing her any more. I'm tired.

                Yesterday we were walking in the woods and we'd been talking about people's choices of mates and I told her how lucky I was she written to me on the dating site where we met. I told her how happy I am to be with her and how fortunate, that I've never had love last like this. And it's true. She still does it for me. But it's one sided. She replied she feels the same way, but then we just turned and kept walking. She never touched me the whole day. Apart from these formal good morning and good night kisses, she almost never touches me.

                I hear what you're saying, and I want to try that and I want that to work, but I feel there's virtually no chance. Can you give me some ideas of what would appeal to a woman who won't even touch her man and who has said plainly she'd be happy if she never had sex again? I'm out of ideas and out of energy to guess and hope.

                Macon
                ______________________

                Give all your love now. For all we know we might be dead by tomorrow.

                Comment


                • An update in case anyone's not utterly done with this thread. I'm dialing back my expressions of love for my partner. I'm just tired of it. I have my speech all planned out for when she asks if something's wrong: "I feel like I've carried the deepest part of our relationship more or less on my own as long as I can. You're going to have to carry it a while. If you don't want to, then we know where we are."

                  Shift4Change: When you posted here last, you wrote some things that led me to ask questions. They're in the post above. If you're around and are inclined, I'd really appreciate anything you can give.

                  I owe my partner a lot, and I really don't want anyone else; I haven't even looked at anyone else as a relationship prospect. Life has stripped from me so much else, and now I'm really stuck on what love is, ultimately, about.

                  Love is a big mountain I don't know any more how to climb than I did when I was a selfish boor. I know now what love feels like and what it does, but I want to know what's inside.

                  Macon
                  Last edited by macon; 02-25-2017, 12:02 PM. Reason: Asking for help; the usual poking around and making things "better."
                  ______________________

                  Give all your love now. For all we know we might be dead by tomorrow.

                  Comment

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