[Ashlee T.]

Do you and your SO live transparent lifestyles? Do you share passwords, phone pins, etc with each other? If so, do you look into their stuff when they're not around? Be honest....no judging.

[Stillness]

We share everything.

I don't look into her stuff and I'm pretty sure she doesn't look into mine. It seems too trifling to do that on general principle. I don't want to live that way. No offense to anyone that does. Under the right circumstances I would, they've just never occurred.

[amy40]

don't put passwords on my stuff

he told me password to his home computer

[macon]

She says she has nothing to hide, and I believe; she's an extrovert with few unspoken thoughts. But I would never think of looking into my wife's things. Even when I had a past wife cheating on me, I respected her privacy; maybe that's naive. My wife has given me passwords to various services I need access to--cell carrier, utilities, health insurance (to be an informed emergency contact)--and she gave me her email password once, though I don't remember and didn't record it. She wanted me to find something in her email, so I scanned headers and logged out. She uses the same passwords over and over; I could get in if I wanted to, but I can't imagine wanting to. She knows this. I assume she has a things she keeps from me, but in my view, that's healthy. If I suspected she was doing something harmful, I'd see it as my responsibility to speak to her and judge what she says, just as I'd have to do with anyone else. To me snooping feels in the same league with cheating.

I'm an introvert with an expansive inner world. I would never think of giving her my passwords, other than health insurance, for the reason noted above. I'm a very private, write-things-down kind of guy, and I have thoughts and fears I don't want her to know about. In past decades of living with unmedicated bipolar disorder, I've lived a life littered with actions and inactions I regret. When my wife and I met, we shared everything we could think of about ourselves; I held back nothing. I'm now medicated and my behavior has moderated, but problems have arisen in our relationship. I've never betrayed her, but I've gotten into patterns of thought that wouldn't help our situation.

I recommend not sharing passwords. Partners can be close, but they never stop being separate people. I think that at some point, everyone has private things to sort out, and the illusion of complete transparency becomes a lie. Maybe a disparity of privacy would bother the more-open partner; that's something partners need to sort out. However, thought and action are two different things, and relationships are based on trust that one partner won't act in ways harmful to the other. Responsible, loving action is what matters, not giving away one's privacy.