[amy40]

Chaya,
Also, giving my opinion as a married women. With all due respect, he is your husband, not hers. Know and understand that you love them both. If I was in your shoes, every instinct that I have would be telling me to help my friend find other options. You can be part of her journey without sharing your husband in this way. And if she loves you, too, she will understand and realize other options are more realistic. Best wishes.

[chaya]

I'm sorry it took so long to get back, I just couldn't decide. I made a list of all the pros an cons and it was obvious there were a lot more cons than pros. I decided not to let my girlfriend use my husband’s sperm and not to tell him about the request. I just had to decide how to tell her my decision. I am afraid it will hurt her when I refuse and I can't stand to see her unhappy and crying. She had a terrible time while she was home in Japan, her father has all but disowned her because she is gay. She never even visited them at their family home but stayed with her aunt and only saw her father at one family dinner. On the plus side they had decided to give her a generous allowance not to come home. Also on the plus side, she was approved for a green card and can now stay in the US as a permanent immigrant. She was here before on a student visa that had to be renewed every year.

Last night after I went to bed with my husband, he asked me if Kiyomi was pregnant. This was a shock to me and I was speechless until he told me he had seen her looking at baby clothes on the internet, more than once. After I regained my senses, I blunted out that she was going to have a baby through artificial insemination. He was surprised to hear that, then I told him that she would like to use his sperm. To my total surprise, he liked the idea and said he was honored that she had chosen him. He asked me if he would need to have sex with her, I said no and explained her idea to him. I could hear it in his voice, he was obviously disappointed. I told him I would tell him more after I had a talk with her, then rolled over and tried to go to sleep. In a few minutes, he was snoring and I lay there for the rest of the night thinking about what had occurred and above all thinking that he wanted to have sex with her. I had caught him before ogling over a naked picture of her that he found in my drawer, that came back to me as I tried unsuccessful to sleep. This morning I told my husband the second lie I have ever told him, that they called me and I had to go to work to cover for the day nurse that was sick and I would have to pull a double shift at work. I went to the park and sat in my car most of the day thinking. I went home at 5 and told them I had to get a few hours’ sleep before going back to work for the night shift. I'm at work now writing this and trying my best not to show just how upset I am.

I am tempted to find out just how far they would go by getting them together and telling her that he would let her have his sperm if he could have sex with her. I won’t do that but I like to think about it and what they might say and do. I have to decide by 2-3 tomorrow afternoon, after she comes back from breakfast with her classmates.

[jns]

Very interesting. I would not play with fire by seeing how far he would go. He might have the mistaken idea that he has permission. I would also expect Kiyomi to put a stop to that idea if she is committed to being gay.

I think your husband is fairly normal. He lives in a house with his wife, whom he loves, and another attractive woman, who in this case also has an intimate relationship with his wife. It would be normal for such a guy to have fantasies about the other woman unless he was not attracted to her or had a personality clash with her. He may also fantasize that Kiyomi may find out that she likes having sex with men after having sex with him. He may also see some of Kiyomi's actions as flirting with him. Some fantasies should stay fantasies.

It would be best to tell him that he will not be having sex with her if his semen is to be used. It sounds like he will follow your lead. Just be firm. You could probably get him to open up about his thinking if you can keep from being judgemental. It may not be what you would like to hear, but it would give you an insight into the way your guy thinks. I think that there is a lot of commonality in the way guys think and it is quite different than the way women think.

I'm sorry that the way things have turned has upset you. I don't think he is being disloyal or loves you any less.

[atskitty2]

Chaya what I see here is that you had made a decision, then did the opposite. Do I understand that correctly?
Why, in the moment, did you decide to tell him?

Also, what I see missing here is what YOU want in this scenario. You're upset. Seems to me you should value your needs and desires as much as making kiyomi happy, and now there's the added concern with your husband.

[chaya]

After getting some sleep I thought it through and had a talk with Kiyomi. We decided it was a bad idea for my husband to be the father of her child, even without sex. I showed her the list of reasons why it was a bad idea. She agreed with me and she said she would look for an anonymous donor. She reaffirmed that she would never have sex with a man, not even my husband whom she likes very much as a friend.

Why I told him about her idea I'll never know. I was suffering from an extreme lack of sleep at the time, guess I just didn't think. I asked him outright if he would like to have sex with her and he said no, after a brief hesitation. I'm not sure I believe him but I'll accept that and try to forget the whole thing.

I had a long talk with her about why she wants to have a baby. She didn't come right out and say it but I believe she thinks a grand child would gain her acceptance from her family. I think this is a poor reason to have a baby and will find a way to tell her that.

Thank you all for helping me get through this, your thoughts are what made it possible for me to make the right decision. I'll try to stop by the site more often and I might even be able to help others with their problems.

[jns]

I'm glad you two came up with a decision that should work out fine. Kiyomi doesn't necessarily need an anonymous donor, just one who is not your husband. As far as her motives, it may be that she wants acceptance, but it could also be that she wants to experience motherhood.. It might be something she should put off until she stabilizes her financial situation by getting a job. Money from home is fine, but it is not a guarantee.

[DreamP346]

JNS has it right. Kiyomi needs to figure her financial situation first. Is she going to live with you guys forever? I know she helps a lot with your baby. Is there an expectation that you will do the same for her's? Even if she does get another donor, everybody will assume you guys are a trio and therefore the baby is your husband's. If you all live together, you will all get really close with this new baby and even though it may not be his/your's biologically, you may start treating it like it is. If Kiyomi wants to start her own family, maybe it is time she move on from you and find a partner/trio/whatever works for her, that will want to raise the child together. She could do it on her own, but based on what you have said about her, she doesn't sound emotionally or financially strong to do it on her own. You know how hard it is to raise a child so do you think Kiyomi could do it alone and financially support herself and the baby?

[Ashlee T.]

Coming in late on this one, but HI CHAYA.........it's great to see you here again!!! And I'm so glad you've been able to talk this situation out with some of the other members.

[chaya]

Coming in late on this one, but HI CHAYA.........it's great to see you here again!!! And I'm so glad you've been able to talk this situation out with some of the other members.

I feel bad that the only time I have been coming here is when I need help. I should come in more often and try to help others. There's just been so much going on, Kiyomi was gone to Japan and I had to keep taking Misako to my aunts when I went to work. Seems like I'm always going with no time to sleep.

[atskitty2]

That's what we're here for Chaya! Come by when you can, we enjoy your perspective.