[chaya]

I haven't posted here in a long time. Much has happened since my last posts but I'll leave that for another time. Now I have a problem and need advice. As some of you old timers may remember I'm bisexual and live with my husband and my girlfriend. I sleep with both of them but not at the same time. My girlfriend went to Japan to visit her family for the holidays. She's back and we are just getting our relationship back to normal, at least normal for us.

Last night she told me she wants to have a baby. Since she is a lesbian, I asked her if she would have sex with a man. She said no that would never happen. Then I asked her if she was going to go to a sperm bank for artificial insemination. She said she would rather do it herself. She is a nurse, and will be getting her MSN degree this spring. So I asked her where she would get the sperm. Then she dropped the bombshell, she wants to use my husband’s sperm. They are good friends and we have lived together for a long time and become close to each other. She has it all planned out, I am to have sex with my husband using a condom and then immediately bring the sperm filled condom to her. I didn't give her an answer, saying it was so sudden and unexpected that I would have to think it over. Even if I decide to do this, I don’t know if my husband would want to do it.

This could go wrong in a lot of ways, there are so many things to think about I don't know where to start. I love her and I love my husband. Do I want my girlfriend to have a baby with my husband, even though they wouldn't have sex. I can't have children and our daughter is adopted. Would I end up resenting her for giving my husband what I can never give him. I haven't mentioned this to my husband and never will if I decide against it. Any advice you can give me will be appreciated.

[amy40]

our daughter is adopted. Would I end up resenting her for giving my husband what I can never give him.

Are you, your husband, and child a family? I don't consider adoption a second choice. Do not ever feel less because you didn't give birth to your child. Your child is every bit a family member whether adopted or born from you.


After reading other posts, modifying post. If she really wants her own child, it would be best to tell her no on using your husband as the donor/father. She may have too much of an attachment to him and think it is asking too much given the living situation. She needs to find another way to have a child whether through adoption or using a sperm bank.

[jns]

Hi Chaya, welcome back! I will think on this and come up with an answer after work.

[DreamP346]

Do you think your current arrangement will remain permanent? Do you all plan to grow old together as a family of 3 (plus kids)? If not, then I would advice against it.

Also, if you do go ahead with this, understand that your polyamorous relationship will no longer be hidden. Your family and friends will know. Your future children will know. It will all be out in the public. You can't hide such things, not when children are involved.

[atskitty2]

Nice to see you Chaya

I think this would be a big no for me personally. This arrangement at home is still going well, I take it? Seems to me that this would change the whole dynamic, and likely not for the better.
In addition to what Dream mentioned, have you thought about what to tell the child as it grows up? What if she decides to leave the arrangement, and your husband has to fight for visitation, if he wants it?

I'm all about a simple life these days. I steer clear of anything that even seems like it may bring drama into my life. This is potential stress on so many levels.

[Stillness]

Chaya!

Does she want him to raise her child as its father? The bond between man, woman, and child can grow very strong and intimate. What we think intellectually is one thing, but things happen on a chemical and spiritual level that don't care about our ideas.

[Claret]

Chaya, hi and welcome back. This scenario brings up a whole bunch of ethical issues and legal issues as well. Whose name is put on the birth certificate? What would happen in the case that your 3-some breaks up and she moves out of your home? Who pays support? Who is the legal father? Would there be something in writing between you and your husband and her?

I know you feel your relationship(s) are stable, would it remain this way? I seem to recall a few issues in the past.

Who would actually be the parent in the house i.e. Mother? Would there be confusion with your other child?

I'd think this through very carefully and all 3 of you must discuss the pros and cons of this. You must all be in agreement for it to work properly.

Think once, twice and then a third time.

[jns]

Hi Chaya. I agree with the others that this is a messy situation. I believe that your gf wants to use your husband's semen because he has impressed her with his character. Otherwise, why not use the sperm bank? I can't see the cost being a big deterrent.

If you all move forward on this, get a lawyer involved so that a contract is drawn that spells out everyone's obligations. Just because your husband hypothetically relinquishes all his rights doesn't mean that the State of California couldn't go after him for child support if the baby was to get public aid. If he retains some visitation rights, what will they be and how will he be able to exercise them?

Just because your gf is with you now doesn't mean she will be there in the future. When she graduates, she will probably want to get a job that requires her degree. That may mean relocating. What are her thoughts about when she graduates? What are your thought about her relocating?

If the three of you stay together as a family arrangement, I can see some problems, but they should be able to be worked through. After all, compromises have been made and they seem durable enough. Another baby in the mix shouldn't change things much unless your husband becomes too attached to her child.

I don't have tremendous misgivings about this, but know that you are going into uncharted territory. As far as bringing your current situation to light, most of that would remain hidden for the next number of years and would depend on what the child was told. What is known by friends and family does not need to be made public.

Years ago, you three got together and hashed out the details of your current situation. This is another situation that needs all stakeholder involved to talk things out.

Good luck and best wishes. jns

[macon]

Hi Chaya,

Were I your husband, I'd like your girlfriend's idea quite a bit. Since you can't bear a child, he's out as well. Having an adopted child, however much I loved that child, would not diminish my desire to have a child of my own blood. And here is a woman already in my life, to some degree of intimacy, who wants to bear my child. I'd have a real hard time letting go of that.

If your girlfriend accepts your desire for this child not to happen, and you don't tell your husband the plan ever existed, then you have only the feelings between you and your girlfriend to deal with. That seems the best path to me, if you truly can't accept the idea of your girlfriend bearing your husband's child. If your husband finds out and likes the idea, and you are set against it, that would be a bad situation for you. Were I him, my feelings would make me put quite a bit of pressure on you to go along. That can't end well.

Concerning the future, legal arrangements, people finding out, etc.: those are practical problems. They don't seem to me to have much bearing on the decision to have the child or not. What the three of you want among yourselves is what matters. If you decide you want the child, then take up the practical matters and solve them one by one. People have children, and children complicate their lives. People have children anyway, and they deal with the complications.

Your girlfriend's plan is touching in how it involves all three of you so intimately and symbolically shares motherhood with you. I'm really impressed, actually. If you find it in yourself to go along wholeheartedly, you three could end up with something really good among you. But that plan is her narrative; irrelevant to your feelings and needs. If you can't come to feel enthusiastic about the plan, it's a bad one for you. Say no or you'll have to deal with the resentment that's sure to arise for the rest of your life.

I'd ask your girlfriend not to tell your husband, and then work out between the two of you what you want. If you decide yes, then put the idea to him. For various reasons, I think he won't feel too pressured to go along if he doesn't want to.

Macon

[amy40]

Having an adopted child, however much I loved that child, would not diminish my desire to have a child of my own blood.

Chaya,
Having been part of the adoption community for a long time, know there are adoptive parents who can have biological children but have instead made adoption their only choice for growing a family They do not believe in adding more people to the planet. Or they see the great need for children to have families. Can't believe that a man who already has a child through adoption would feel the need to go outside his marriage to create a biological child. Do not make a decision by thinking your husband is missing out.