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Should i bring up our past?

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  • Should i bring up our past?

    My boyfriend and i have been going strong for over 8 months now. We have been on and off for about 3 years. Things have been going good. In our past he used to lie alot. We argreed that it was wrong to hang with people that we have had a past with. Along time ago he hung with his friend and a girl he had sex with and got drunk. That was about 2 years ago. I had so unanswered questions about that night and i didnt know if i should bring them up because its bothering me or how too?

  • Originally posted by Noone12345 View Post
    That was about 2 years ago. I had so unanswered questions about that night

    he was drinking and may not remember everything, either

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    • Im not sure what happened that night. In his past he had sex with her. We made an agreement to not hang with people we have had a relatinship with or sex. He hung out with her that night. They were all drinking and i couldnt get a hold of him for a while and he said he was playing blackout (where everyone turns off their electronics and just hangs with the people they are with). I am not sure what happened or if anything happened. He says hes never cheated on me but hes had a past of lying. Im just realy lost because in my other post i feel like hes lying to me about watching porn. I feel its cheating and i have made myself clear about that. For some reason i have a feeling hes doing it and lying to me. He says he hasnt and wont because he knows it bothers me and he respects me. Deep down i just notice things and i feel im being lied to (cheated on in my view).

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      • That night he was drinking he was with his friend and that girl. Im not sure who else was there.

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        • If you brought it up would you be able to get an answer you could believe?
          "Those sowing seed with tears
          Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

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          • About the porn situation i have brought it up a couple of times and he gets so annoyed everytime i ask. I honestly do not know what to do thats why im reaching out. It bothers me so much especially if im being lied too. Sometimes i believe him and other times i have a weird feeling.

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            • Originally posted by Noone12345 View Post
              Sometimes i believe him and other times i have a weird feeling.
              I think the porn issue and what happened two years ago are two separate things. In your post you say that he says he's never cheated on you. If you believe him, what is the point of rehashing what happened two years ago?

              As far as the porn issue, to make an ultimatum about him not to look at porn (ever) will only make him want to and to try to keep it a secret from you since he's probably had the habit before you became his girlfriend. (and he doesn't want to get in trouble with you)

              It may also be a control issue. How about asking him if your request to not watch porn makes him feel like he is being controlled or bossed by you? There may be just as much resistance to being told what not to do.
              If you ask him, he may admit that he doesn't like being bossed and may even admit, yes he still watches porn sometimes.
              Keep the questions about his feelings, not about whether or not he is still watching it.

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              • Why are you staying with someone you don't/can't trust, and for legitimate reasons it seems?
                He has a history of lying?

                You've been on/off for 3 yrs? What redeeming qualities does this man/relationship really have Hon?
                Seems pretty obvious to me that this is not a healthy relationship, nor the foundation for one.

                Why are you still with him?

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                • Originally posted by Noone12345 View Post
                  Sometimes i believe him and other times i have a weird feeling.
                  Haven't you caught him with the porn and he just denies it? His mo seems to just be to deny anything he thinks you won't like regardless of the truth. It's like the old shaggy song "Wasn't Me." I'm not trying to make light of your situation, but that's how some people operate.

                  You have to figure out whether you want to live with the dishonesty. Is it worth it? Is the sex, companionship, family, intellectual stimulation, or whatever else you might get able to make up for the lying? If it is, you'll have to be happy with that. But you can't ever expect honesty if you choose a dishonest partner.

                  I've never heard of anyone who doesn't get tired of the lying at some point, because it's never just lying. It's disrespect, distrust, and all sorts of unfaithfulness. Feelings of love can't overcome that forever - not from what I've seen.
                  "Those sowing seed with tears
                  Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

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                  • I love him so much and there have been way more good things than bad. He is my best friend and i really want to spend my life with him. Ive thought that maybe im wrong and i try telling myself that. I just have a weird feeling and i let it take control and i make myself sit on the thought hes lying. Over the past 3 years we have been together straight for 10 months now and things have been great. The only thing that has been bothering me is this porn situation. Im so lost and dont know what to do. Ive asked so many times and hes getting fed up with me asking. I feel if i keep asking and he isnt doing anything that hes going to get annoyed and leave me. Im not sure how to find out the truth?

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                    • Does anyone know a way to find out without being intrusive? Or continually asking? I know thats asking for alot because theres never one right answer. I just want to settle this feeling and i still want this relationship to work.

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                      • see my revised second post above

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                        • If i ask him that and he says yes he feels like its bossing but still denys it im not sure what to do because what if hes still lying. He knows im just trying to fish for the truth. And if he says he has watched it im stuck too. He told me to stop asking all the time and he feels like im trying to get a negative reaction but he says there isnt one. He says he hasnt done it because he knows i dont like it and he respects me. He told me in his past before me he used to like watching it and that it isnt a problem to stop because of me. I just for some reason cant let it go.

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                          • He pretty much already answered that because he said hes doesnt have a problem not watching it and respects me. He said hes not addicted to it or doesnt need to watch it.

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                            • ok, all those answers by him seem reasonable

                              it seems he's lost your trust and it's going to take a while to get your trust back

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