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The Big Shift

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  • The Big Shift

    I am 50 years old and been widowed for 4 years. During this four years old I have worked hard to rediscover myself. Now for the next big step, to start dating. I have been married twice, the first marriage was to my high school sweetheart. We were truly connected but things turned bad quickly (or that is what I thought, I was young and didn't recognize a bad spell) and I left. There were rumors that he cheated on me as well. We spoke once and my parents said if he really cared he would put effort into reconnecting which he never did. I quickly got into another relationship and remarried and was married for 25 years. It wasn't an "ideal" marriage, especially in the communication department. I am now at a point in my life where I see what I have done wrong and hope never to have that happen again.

    Before Christmas, my first husband has contacted through Facebook. He is married and lives on the other side of the country. Twenty-seven years later and we are discussing our problems. He has apologized many times for being an ***. The rumor of cheating was not true, it was started by someone with an addiction problem. He tried to contact me many times but my parents refused to tell him where I was. We talk on the phone or text every day. He doesn't have the greatest marriage but I don't give too much advice on that except that if I could do things over again I would go to a marriage counselor. For some reason, I have mentally blocked so many details of my former life and now old memories are opening up. I just can't believe how we know each other so well and it has been this long. I am grateful for this but let's face it, sometimes a girl needs more. I met a guy through online dating. I am trying to be open but I am terrified at the same time. We have met once in person and both of us were very nervous. We have talked on the phone and going to see each other this afternoon. Not sure why I am so scared. Has anyone gone through dating at my age?

  • Needy, glad to see you are back and moving forward. Good luck dating!
    When husband and I on a date recently, had him pick me up, and we pretended we were on a second date.
    Whatever you do, enjoy and have fun!

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    • I think your date night idea is wonderful. My late husband, and I didn't do date nights, one of my regrets. Thought I had plans on going for a walk on the boardwalk with the new guy so we could get to know each other. Had my hair done bought a new outfit and received a text he was doing yard work and can't go. Not great, but actually understand it. We had so many rainy days there hasn't been many to do yard work. Oh well, need to go with the flow, maybe our relationship wasn't meant to be. As far as I can tell we don't have much in common. Spent the evening texting with my ex.

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      • Originally posted by Needytoo View Post
        received a text he was doing yard work and can't go.
        hope he apologized and made plans for another day

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        • Yard work over a date with you?

          Not sure I'd give him another chance, as that shows pretty low interest on his part. That's a pretty low priority thing in my opinion. If he'd asked to keep it to an hour or so, I'd have been happy to accommodate and probably would have just let him off the hook, or even offered to come help too... But to cancel for such a reason, this early, wouldn't be OK with me.

          I'm 44 and divorced. Dating at our ages presents challenges that I think we never could anticipate.
          Have fun with it, try to keep standards high, and expectations low in some respects. I've dated on and off for 4 years now, with no relationship lasting more than about 6 wks. Part may be due to my own issues, my work life, and the standards I've set.

          Take things slow, a step at a time and enjoy the ride. I hope you have much better experience with dating than I have.

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          • Enjoy the dating experience! Meeting new men can be very enlightening, as you know. You've survived two marriages and you're perfectly suited to date. Anyhow, onward & upwards!

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            • I know I also might appear that I am not too interested in dating. I refuse to sit on the couch and wait for life, I rather go out there and find it. So I am sure it appears that I am not interested in dating. Now I tell the guys when I am available, maybe I am coming off too bossy. I really not sure how to read this guy since we only have met once. I believe relationships should develop slowly. He is texting me but I have been so busy I haven't returned the text, which is rude of me I know. I will today and see if we can arrange another time to see each other. If not I think it is time we go our separate ways.

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              • I know stuff happens, but if I were him I would've done everything possible NOT to cancel on you, but if I just HAD to, I would've cancelled very apologetically and then at the same time scheduled a rain check date.

                All you can do is see what happens. It's not your first rodeo, so you'll be vigilant to the signs and red flags (if there are any).

                I do hope you will cut the ex off. I don't believe his excuses and it sounds all too convenient now. He IS married, whether he wants to be or not, it is where he is CHOOSING to be right now. I feel that he is using you and betraying his marriage at the same time. And that does not point to him being a good man. Keeping connection with him where you are in any way rekindling old feelings WILL inhibit you from effectively dating and developing a strong relationship with someone else. Cut the ties, sister.

                "Be what you're looking for."

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                • I think that local relationship is done and most likely for the best. Although I didn't know the man well there were flags. Wanting to get together at 10:30 at night for coffee and go for a drive in his truck are not my idea how grown-ups date.
                  I get what you are saying Beautiful Disaster just not sure if I am ready to stop communicating with my ex. He wasn't just my ex-husband we grew up together and were best friends. I went 27 years with so many things that were blocked in my mind and now my memories have come back and it is great.

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by Needytoo View Post
                    I get what you are saying Beautiful Disaster just not sure if I am ready to stop communicating with my ex. t.
                    I missed that in your first post, that you talk everyday or text. Does his wife know? Is she ok with that?

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                    • I understand. I'm just afraid you're living in the past with him and that this will hold you back from moving on in life and truly being happy. First loves are powerful. They know it. And yes, if his wife isn't aware he is communicating with you, well, remember that you're the one he's hiding. You're the "other" woman. Because an emotional connection/affair is no less damaging than a physical one.
                      "Be what you're looking for."

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                      • Amy40, no his wife doesn't know. She is the extremely jealous type, so much so he can't even call his own Mother without her becoming jealous. A little bit strange I would say after 25 years of marriage. I have told him to let her see our messages but he said no. He doesn't have any friends or does much outside of work. Sounds so similar to my late husband and myself. My ex-likes that he can talk about his family with me and I know who he is talking about. She doesn't allow that. I have told him my late husband and I had issues and if I could go back in time I would have sought marriage councilling. I have only brought it up once. If our communication just stopped I am alright with that.

                        Beautiful Disaster, I get what you're saying. I feel I am so ready to get out there and date. I have even taken online dating courses and read a bunch of books. But there is something about that online dating this that I just keep goofing up on.

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                        • Why do you think that it's you goofing up the online dating thing?

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                          • He doesn't have any friends or does much outside of work. Sounds so similar to my late husband and myself.
                            [/QUOTE]

                            I can understand that. Have encouraged husband to do things with guys from work and he has some but not much. It is easy to come home after work and just hang with family. So it sounds like unless he goes to counselling, you're his sounding board. Maybe as long as you don't get romantic again, it might help him figure out some things with him and his wife? Maybe suggest the counselling to him again?

                            Comment


                            • As far as dating, I'd think it would be easier to date regular rather than online dating. Have you tried to meet people at any church events, social dances, widow/widower groups, or any other groups? Theatre groups and writing groups usually have men in them, also.

                              Comment

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