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Sexually frustrated male (Married)

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  • Sexually frustrated male (Married)

    I’ve been happily married to my wife for 16 years and I love her dearly – she is everything to me, but for the last 4-5 months our sex life has gone from once a week to only about 3-4 times this year….

    Now my wife is a large woman and has a fairly big stomach and I think that sex has become uncomfortable for her and ultimately for me. I’m overweight myself and I have a below average penis size – but that’s not been a problem…

    She always says “but we go to bed too late” or “I’m not a morning person” or “I’m not in the mood” and I think she just doesn’t want to make the effort because it is too uncomfortable. Sometimes she will allow me to masturbate in the bed, but I’d rather use my erection on her.

    Sometimes she will get horny and I will stimulate her with my fingers to bring her to orgasm, then she will say she is worn out and I have to masturbate myself if I want sexual relief

    If she stood in front of me naked and jiggled her breasts about it would turn me on and I’d want to pleasure her… but if I stood naked in front of her and wiggled my pen!s about she would more than likely ask me what I am doing…

    I finally caved in yesterday and told her I am concerned about her weight…. She had a knee operation 4 years ago and the surgeon said she should lose some weight to take the strain off her knee (to avoid needing a full knee replacement in the future), but she’s not done that. She got a bit upset when I told her but admitted she needs to lose some weight.

    She always has sore joints – mainly her knee / ankle and I rub muscle relief cream into her most nights.

    We got back from our holiday last week and even though we did walking and swimming in the months leading up to the holiday to get fitter, her joints were very sore after a day out on the holiday… and she was always out of breath if we had to walk up stairs…etc…

    The only sexual position we can do is missionary – because of her knees she can’t really do doggy style or get on top of me and she can’t lift her legs in the air because it’s uncomfortable…

    Also she doesn’t really like touching my penIs and if she ever gives me a hand job or blow job (which is very rare) she will stop well before I ejaculate, because she doesn’t want to get sperm on her hands or any other part of her body (99% of the time I have to finish myself off) – but will happily allow me to ejaculate inside her when we do have sex.

    I have now resorted to watching the occasional bit of porn online while she is watching her TV programs, just so I can get some relief…. But she does not know this.

    When we first met about 19 years ago she was a sex maniac and wanted it nearly every night…. And I struggled to keep up…. But now it’s the opposite – I’d like it 3-4 times a week but she only wants it when she is in the mood…

    Every night when we go to bed she always cuddles me and tells me I am the best husband ever and she loves me more than anything – and I say the same to her and I really mean it…. I just wish she’d be horny more often and take the lead in sex, instead of giving excuses why she doesn’t want to have it….

    I don't want to have sex with other women and I'd rather have sex with my wife than look up porn.... I just don't know what to do??

    FYI we are in late 40’s with no kids

  • I have little time...and I don't mean to oversimplify this, but in short, I think her confidence would be greatly affected, and influence libido if you both dropped some weight.

    Also, hormones. Is she perimenopausal, or menopausal? That could explain the recent drop also.

    More later...


    • Lose weight yourself. It's not easy, but it is simple. Lead with action. You'll also look and feel better and sexier.

      And the penis does not correlate to breasts. I also learned this the hard way.
      "Those sowing seed with tears
      Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126


      • I can't speak for all women, but when my boyfriend shakes his penis around I think it's hilarious. It makes me laugh, and I love to laugh, but it does NOT turn me on.

        It is likely that she has reached a place where she is truly not healthy. Lack of good health will absolutely affect libido, energy level, mood, etc.

        You both need to work together on getting healthier. Let your health as a couple be your primary concern right now and know that this marriage hasn't lasted 16 years for nothing. That's a long time and if her sexual attraction to you lasted all that time until recently, it is HIGHLY unlikely that she has stopped being into you. It is much much more likely that her health and hormones are resulting in a person who just flat out doesn't feel good.
        "Be what you're looking for."


        • Okay, I think it's time for some plain talk between both you and her. Both overweight - she obviously didn't like you pointing out her weight to her. Did she say anything about your extra weight? Maybe it's time to formulate a plan so that you both can get healthy. Plan meals together, plan outings together. Start small a walk around the block will do for the first week, then gradually increase the distance. Make the small changes in your diet, higher protein less sugar and unhealthy carbs. Eat slightly smaller portions and drink lots of water. This forms a togetherness and a bond. Keep to it, it builds up trust.

          Get yourself out of the TV mode each night. Spend time talking. Have a glass of wine or coffee in the evening and just focus on each other's day.

          Hold hands, really look into each others eyes, make this connection again. In bed start slowly, cuddle without any expectations of sex. Gradually become closer and sex is the actuality. Tell her you love her and want her and you to be happy and healthy for many years to come.

          Tell her of your frustrations when the time is appropriate and ask her what her suggestions could be.
          That which we forget may as well never really happened.


          • thanks for the replies - I have lost some weight and feel a lot better for it... I weigh about 100kgs and she weighs probably 130-150kgs? she will always weigh herself in private and won't tell me how much - been like this since I met her.

            We do eat relatively well and eat veggies and salad, but some days we don't do any exercise - and it hasn't helped that she has been sick since we came back from our holiday.

            We had a good talk last night in bed... then had amazing sex.... so maybe we need to talk more often?

            She has just turned 50 and while being sick with the flu has been getting hot sweats on and off and she did not know if it was part of the flu or if it was the start of menopause


            • So you're a little overweight, and she's morbidly obese. Sounds like she's over 100# too heavy, am I right? Not knowing her height, I'm calculating based on the average. Even at 6' she'd be considerably overweight.
              This needed to change a long time ago, and it's always a good time to make those changes.

              You've posted on this before, if memory serves me....

              What else is a factor then, if your diet is so healthy? or what else is she eating, that you're unaware of?
              What other health issues is she facing, besides orthopedic problems?

              You can try to increase activity by planning more for you as a couple, and you can set a good example with diet and weight loss of your own. But ultimately, this is her fight. And it's nothing less than a fight to regain health carrying around that much extra weight. This is a choice she has to make for herself. And honestly, if surgery didn't inspire her, it's going to take a lot to motivate her, and help her see the value in being a healthier person. She may never choose a healthier life for herself.

              This is so much deeper than her sex drive, her confidence. This is about her quality of life, her health. When we aren't healthy, nothing is going to work as it should. Period. It just won't, and trying to make it work, is just insanity to me. Our mental health is affected, our inner spiritual self is affected, and obviously the body. Nothing fires in sync when one factor of the equation is unbalanced.

              I sort of feel like, you can take the advice here given by Claret, and try to increase intimacy, and work on the things you CAN control, and approach it that way, and then leave it to her to be able to make the choice for health.

              And to be thorough in my feedback, I think you need a little attitude adjustment yourself. I believe you love her, and want the best for her. Not doubting you there, but I am guessing that for you, intimacy and sex is the priority, and she's picking up on that. That's understandable, but putting first things first is where you need to be here Muffin, and priority is health, not sex. It's important, but it's not the most important thing.

              If you genuinely shift your focus, and eliminate that little extra motivation for sex, you may be able to reach her more effectively. Many ppl have a way of picking up on the underlying motivators, and she probably senses your concern is rooted by sexual desire, not HER.


              • Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post
                So you're a little overweight, and she's morbidly obese. Sounds like she's over 100# too heavy, am I right? Not knowing her height, I'm calculating based on the average. Even at 6' she'd be considerably overweight.
                100 lbs overweight??? If she's 6'-4 and a weight-lifter!
                Hey, Muffin! What's wrong with being 100 kg? That's my weight exactly! :-) My dr. says BMI charts don't work well for someone muscled and 6'-4, and not to worry about it. Sorry, not trying to minimize a real issue - I don't know if I could lose weight if it meant eating less, and it does! I can suggest increasing your activity level, even if it's only walking, the most boring activity since, well, walking...

                This is so much deeper than her sex drive, her confidence. This is about her quality of life, her health. When we aren't healthy, nothing is going to work as it should. Period. It just won't, and trying to make it work, is just insanity to me. Our mental health is affected, our inner spiritual self is affected, and obviously the body. Nothing fires in sync when one factor of the equation is unbalanced.
                All so very true.
                She's got to feel good enough about herself to WANT to get naked with you! You can both get that way if you want.



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