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Cannot take my own advice...

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  • Cannot take my own advice...

    Hi All! I am new to the board and came across it googling advice and really happy I did.
    So here is my situation,
    i have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. I am 34 in a week 35, and he is 45. I was born and raised in the south, he is from LA and relocated south for work. We met through mutual friends and had an instant connection. He asked if I would like to move in with him (totally different topic there), and I did and we have been also living together.
    I have always been the sweet smiling nice and happy go lucky optimist since I can remember. The more days that pass that I am with him, I realize how much of a narcissist he is. I have mentally made excuses for him to myself of him being Cuban and having a spicy additude in general. Little have I realized to take in and accept is his “spicy attitude” is moreso mental and verbal abuse. (Again,another topic)

    A yearish ago I did something I would never imagine myself doing and that was to curiously snoop while using his computer. I found messages, pictures, and anything I didn’t want to find. He was sexting and even still with his hookup fling that he had before he and I starting seeing each other. He promised to end it and cut off and end communication with her. Since I asked before using his computer, so it was easy to approach. He freaked out scared to lose me, we attempted going to therapy. That lasted 2 sessions. First was him by himself, second was me, then the third was to be both of us. I now believe that when he realized how my session went, he wasn’t going to attempt going back and have fingers pointed at him. Smh..
    well, since all of that we have been better minus a few issues here and there. So I had to print some things out, log onto his computer last week and couldn’t help myself. It isn’t linked to his personal emails and messengers like before but just his work email.
    I then discovered he has again reconnected with that old hookup fling, asked her to unblock him. As well as, he is also forming connections with co workers within the company he works for. Nothing as graphic as before but many non work related messages sent throughout the day, and has ended with asking if he can text them and asking for their cell numbers. The last one after he asked for her number to text her, she says “it depends are you married? Girlfriend? In a relationship with anyone” (respectfully so) and his reply was “I am dating”... I guess I am now in some kind of denial shock and just moreso beyond hurt. I’ve never been that crazy psycho girlfriend but I cannot express how tempting it was to email or text her on my own and tell her that he isn’t just dating someone, he is in a relationship and living with his girlfriend. But I didn’t. To me there is a pretty big difference between dating and relationship.

    so with all that said, I know all of this and am hurt. I recently said something to him on the lines of “just making sure we are okay, i know you’ve been stressed with work but just so you remember, I’m here and will always be here for you”.. he thought that sounded fishy and I admitted I noticed him somewhat spacing himself from me and just wanted to cushion my insecurities and make sure he wasn’t still talking with anyone else. He assured me not at all and, I’m the love of his life and he would never put me in that situation again. Of course, he was lying to me.

    I do love him very much still. He has broken my trust and trust that was rebuilt and created. After writing all of that I know what needs to be done.

    I also want to approch him in some way. He is out of town for work until Friday. Of course you snoop and find anything and everything you don’t want to find however, I want to approach him or something. Maybe a text asking if we are dating or in a relationship? Thoughts?

    And THANK you so much for taking the time to read all
    of this, I apologize for it’s length, and reaaaaaallly appreciate any and all feedback/comments/and advice..

    Take care y’all!

  • Hey gal! Welcome to WH. Thank you for opening up to us! I was so glad to see you say, "after writing all of that I know what needs to be done." Sometimes getting everything off our chests in writing helps us "see" things from the outside looking in.

    The takeaways for me were:
    " I realize how much of a narcissist he is" - I think it is safe to say that while some people possess narcissistic traits, there are other people who are true narcissists. And you don't EVER want to be in a relationship with one of those people. I cannot tell you how many women I know who speak regularly on previous relationship with narcissists and how absolutely toxic it was to their lives. So much so that they're still dealing with the repercussions of it years later. I was with one of those myself...fortunately, only for about a year. But it took me a solid 3-4 to get "over it". He really screwed up my head, so much more than I even realized at that time. Don't ever saddle yourself with a narcissist.

    Cheating - Communicating with (unfaithful) intent and sexting with other people IS cheating whether he physically had sex with them or not. You felt cheated on, right? Because you were. Now....like a true narcissist that believes rules don't apply to him, that enjoys crossing any boundaries given to him.......he didn't see the err of his ways and stop the behavior. He only waited until he had "regained your trust" to continue on with his usual cheating ways.

    So...you have yourself a cheating narcissist. Once you are OUT of this situation, you will discover even more things that will make you question your own sanity for staying as long as you did. Get out. You owe him NOTHING at this point and while confronting him may make you feel better for the moment, it only gives him the opportunity to continue to manipulate you. He will do something or say something that will put doubt in your mind about leaving. Narcissists are gifted in turning the tables.

    So, again....my advice to you is to pack your stuff, leave, tell him it's over and offer him no further explanation or discussion. Trust me, he may play dumb, but he will know exactly why you're gone. Get out while you're still ahead, girl.
    Last edited by Ashlee T.; 07-25-2018, 01:05 PM.
    "Be what you're looking for."


    • And report back? We'd like to know that a sweet Southern girl is doing well again!


      • I second Beautiful Disaster's post.



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