[Raina]

In the opinion of the masses, is this something that is common in relationships or is it something that would instead cause trouble?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Are you asking if creating boundries is good or bad for a relationship, I would state this.

In my opinion it can only be good. There is a difference in discussing things and establishing each others boundries and whether or not both parties are prepared to agree on those boundries, and whether you feel the word boundries can be mis-interpreted as "demands"...

Demands do not work.. Agreeing to boundries that neither is comfortable should work and should be honored in my opinion.

[Stillness]

I don't exactly understand the question, Raina. You mean like, "Don't come to my job" or "Don't bother me when I'm watching my favorite show"? My wife and I never discussed boundaries in any aspect of our lives, that I remember. Certain couples probably need to, especially if one of them is a "habitual line crosser."

[Raina]

I can't really think of an example that would work here to explain what I'm asking because I'm still trying to understand boundaries in a relationship. The best one I can think of is, and please inform me if I get this wrong, "I am asked not to go to a night club alone, I have to have a friend or someone well known with me," same could apply to him, or "There is no going out to drinks with an ex you could see yourself getting back together with." I really want to understand the full concept of boundaries, what could be acceptable or if that is in the eye of the beholders or what is unacceptable and what could be considered 'demands' because I have a hard time telling the difference between demands and boundaries.

And I understand that there are relationships out there that do not require boundaries for reasons untold.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I understand what you are asking there.

I think boundries within a relationship to me, would be anything disrespectful to the other person, simply put.


I do see, "no going out with an ex" a boundry because that would be disrespectful.

I do not see " no going out alone" as a boundry, rather a "care factor".. Fathering you so to speak as it is dangerous to go out alone to a nightclub...

If you "agree" to that thought, then it becomes an "agreement" between you.

[Raina]

I would like to have boundaries to be honest, I keep reading how they can be very beneficial in a relationship and other positive notes. Not because I would feel better from getting what I want out of him as long as he agrees to it but because the both of us know we have issues brought in from past relationships that we've agreed to work on numerous times but never seem to do. The stress of work or money problems would get in the way and make it extremely difficult to handle. Things are SLOWLY getting better with work and money, I'm proud to say that. Hes happy, he has a car that if he has to put money into it he doesn't mind because its HIS car and not someone elses. Spending 2k on a transmission on a car that wasn't his ONTOP of the REAL owner agreeing to pay for half of any expensive needs in the car and then backing out of the agreement aka finding a loophole out of them having to pay half of it. I believe I got off of topic, Lol.

The nightclub thing was the best example I could possibly come up with. Lol. Although, I wouldn't see a need to go alone to a nightclub. That doesn't look like any fun to me OR anything good could come from it. I would rather go with him or go with friends he knows and trusts.

[Stillness]

It may be a bit semantic, but I think of demands as something imposed on another person: "You will not see an ex."

Boundaries are discussed an agreed to: "Let's talk about how we feel about ex's and come to an understanding."

[SaharaJim]

Boundries.....I certainly think that no "boundries" should be "set" that you are not willing to "enforce". As to "agreed" boundries...that's real tricky. I am sure it can be done but I think it is more of a "notice" by one party that they will not tolerate a certain line being crossed. Certainly there is room to discuss what constitutes a violation but in the end you are drawing a line in the sand and saying : "Don't cross this!" Which is only a boundry if you are willing to enforce a violation by punishment- everything from the "silent treatment to leaving". But if you aren't willing to punish a transgression- then the "boundries" are meaningless. Even more "tricky" are "assumed" unannounced boundries. One party may assume that the other "just knows" the boundries..but that is begging for trouble in my opinion. Easy things like you will not have sex outside our marriage;contained in most wedding vows (forsaking all others), IS articulated. But when does that apply in other situations? When you engage in sex? when you say so? A woman I just started dating said very clearly that she would not 'share' her "Milk, man, or toothbrush" I said I could live with that.