[Ashlee T.]

Thanks Macon. I don't offer advice to him without him first asking for my opinion or advice. Most often I just listen and remain quiet until he says...."I want to know what you think...". Then I try to find a way to nicely tell him or say it to him in a way that lets him derive that conclusion on his own. I definitely don't WANT to sound parental to him. I guess, to you, it sounds that way because you are aware of the age difference. But truthfully, I would say the same thing about a guy older than me if he were making "not so smart" decisions, especially financially. Before this guy, I dated someone 12 years older than me, and I often didn't think he made smart decisions. But in this case, because of the age difference (where I'm the older one now!), I do have to be careful with my wording. I can't act like a 20 year old, because I'm not. I don't expect him to act like a 30 year old, because he's not.

amy40 - I think he's been really struggling with knowing what steps are worthy of taking and what steps are a waste of time.

[atskitty2]

Well, it seems that this isn't a deal breaker for you. Not yet anyway.

I think we have to just accept a man where they are, and not anticipate major changes. The 32 yr old is off my radar because I decided that I would be struggling with his choices, and likely not trust him easily for quite some time.

I think if you're not bothered enough to call it quits now, decide at what point you would be. A year? 2 yrs?
The more involved and attached we become, the harder to let go. Another reason why it's so important to date someone who is what we could already be content with over years. That said, people also change toward the dark side, as my ex-husband did.
My fear is that your guy is doing this for you, not for himself. It may not be readily obvious through the course of conversation, but I do think it's a possibility here.

[Ashlee T.]

atskitty2 - I dunno. He's been really frustrated and unhappy with his music career now for quite some time. I've sort of been quietly watching it unfold. I don't think it has anything to do with our relationship. Obviously now, I'm involved and it's easier sometimes for someone on the outside to see things more clearly. His goals and what he's willing to do to achieve them do not match up with his band mates goals and what he's willing to do to achieve them. He's needed to have a talk with his bandmate about this for a long time now, and finally did last night. It went pretty much as I (silently) expected. Band mate says band isn't achieving success and therefore it's not his top priority. Bandmate also tried to do this "well it's not my top priority because it isn't yours" thing, which really irritates me because I've watched my bf put that band (and specifically, his bandmate) before EVERYTHING. He gave up a full ride to college to pursue a music career with his bandmate. I've seen him miss important family functions, miss trips, and I've definitely seen him put his responsibility to the band before me (even though he does so nicely and tries to also make me feel important). I've watched him put off pursuing a stable career because he wanted his band to succeed. It really irks me that his bandmate said that to him.

It also bugs me that I've been watching him go through this now for months, watching his bandmate make NO effort for the band now for months, and it took my bf initiating a conversation with him for him to tell him the band isn't a priority for him anymore. I guess I'm hurt for my bf over it. In addition to bandmates, they've been close friends for quite a few years now. Hurts my feelings for him.

I have faith in the bf. I'm just a super realist and I know how hard it is to make it in the music industry. Sometimes one has to be willing to redirect their path a bit. I think he's coming to that.....nature sort of taking it's course. I know that early 20's are a really touchy place in life......lots of insecurities and doubts about what is the right direction to head. I don't want him to head in MY direction, but I do want him to have A direction. I think he'll get there. He's trying and has the want.

[amy40]

He gave up a full ride to college to pursue a music career with his bandmate.

Dont know if source was a college, relative, or other. Is there any way for him to get the money, again?

good bf had talk with bandmate, must have been tough to hear but surely he suspected band wasn't a priority due to guy's actions/inactions

[atskitty2]

It's interesting he gave up so much to pursue music.
And will be interesting to see what he chooses to do with this information out in the open with his partner. Glad it is finally out in the open.

[Ashlee T.]

I'm glad too. I find myself super frustrated by it all. He told me last night that now on Sunday nights he will be going to his "band mates" house to write. So now, it's about writing music not the band. Because writing is what his band mate is into now. Sunday nights are one of usually two nights a week we get together. His band mate is the only one of us who doesn't have a job, who has his entire week to schedule as he chooses, but Sunday nights are the ONLY nights he can write music with my bf. I'm quite irritated by it.

His band mate also brought up the ONE time we had something planned on a weekend, we had it planned a month in advance, then a gig opportunity popped up the day before we were leaving. Just a small, local, low paying gig. He used that as an example of how my bf doesn't make the band his top priority. All the while, all this time I've been sitting back seeing this guy make zero effort for the band.

I'm feeling pretty flustered by it all at the moment.

[amy40]

Sunday nights are one of usually two nights a week we get together. His band mate is the only one of us who doesn't have a job, who has his entire week to schedule as he chooses, but Sunday nights are the ONLY nights he can write music with my bf.

does the bandmate not like you cause this seems passive aggressive to take away one of your date nights
dont believe the bandmate can't write during the week, Sunday seems an odd day to pick to write as Sunday is a family day for most people

[atskitty2]

Did you point this out to the bf? That this choice means 1 night per week together?
I think that his agreeing to it, alone , would be reason enough for me to start backing off. He may not have realized that it removed a chunk of time with you, but this points to you not being priority for him.
That just wouldn't settle well with me at all.

It is still a new relationship, so maybe I expect too much, idk. Maybe he tried to schedule another night, but couldn't?

[Ashlee T.]

At one time they agreed to band rehearsals on Sunday night and Wednesday night. Bf talked him into late Sunday 8pm so he'd have the whole day with me. But even then, it made me mad and he knew it. Band mate ended up cancelling most of the time anyway. Now that the band isn't priority, they're saying Sunday night will be writing time, not band rehearsal anymore. Band mate says he can't do it any other night. I kind of feel sorry for bf in it, because he WANTS to succeed so badly that he's afraid not to take every opportunity that comes his way. But I also totally believe that he WANTS to be with me on Sunday nights.


I don't think band mate dislikes me. I just think he's selfish. He has other writing appointments and session work he schedules during the week and he prioritizes those things. My guess is they will still have "rehearsals" on Wed nights, but we will see. It's going to make me pretty mad if they don't.

[amy40]

At My guess is they will still have "rehearsals" on Wed nights, but we will see.

so rehearsals will be down to only 1day/wk?

saw a video this week of college girl who practices her instrument 4-5 hrs /day
thought that seemed a lot but she wants to have studio/teach one day and maybe be in orchestra