[amy40]

amy40 He doesn't have the money to go to school My issue is that I feel they He looks for jobs daily, but I don't think he's quite in the mindset yet of looking for something REAL as opposed to just jumping from low pay job to low pay job.

Has he ever seriously thought of college?

[Ashlee T.]

Stillness - Willing. I think he's at a place in his life of confusion, not sure what path to take, not sure what is the right way and the wrong way or how to pursue his dreams and also pursue a future if his dreams don't work out. A pretty normal place to be for someone his age, I acknowledge.

We ALL have dreams. But what if we all sacrificed our livelihood and futures to hope for them?

atskitty2 - I think you're right. I try to stay in the shadows about it unless he's struggling and asking for my advice. He asks for my opinions/advice a lot. I definitely don't have all the answers....I don't know how one "makes it" in the music industry, but I do know that he and his band mate are NOT doing what is needed to even really put themselves on the map. And if I'm supposed to sit back and be patient with you about your future (which is like I said, like playing the lottery when it comes to music), then I'm going to get frustrated when you're not really putting in the work to achieve that future. Even if they put the work in, their chances are slim in an industry so saturated, but at least put in the work.

10 months yesterday actually.

amy40 - He went one year at a university and then quit. He said he didn't have enough time to work, go to school, and pursue his music. I don't really advocate that he go back to a university. A community/technical college for 2 years to acquire a specific trade would be sufficient. I have recommended things like aviation mechanics, electrician, etc because he is good at things like that.

[DreamP346]

Musicians are these crazy strange people that live in their own reality. They often don't know how to function in the real world. I mean they don't know how to do the practical stuff to become successful in their art. I dated somebody like that. I didn't have a problem with him not having money. I was more than willing to support him. But I had this allusion that he was this struggling artist that did nothing but devote himself to his music. Kind of like the Johny Cash and the likes. I thought he would be up all night writing songs or something. I guess I was romanticizing what I saw in the movies. I thought maybe if he finished college, at least he could get a job in the music industry, even if it wasn't as a musician. I was so wrong. Like many other artists I know, they are just dysfunctional. That is what makes them artists. They don't function in the real world. they may say they want to, but they just don't do it. Maybe one day he will change. But there is no way to really know.

If your bf was suddenly offered the opportunity to be an apprentice plumber, a job that pays really well, would he take it? You don't need any training or education. I am guessing not. He may say he wants to change his financial situation, but the fact at 25 he hasn't means he really truly isn't motivated to do so.

[jns]

Some musicians balance things to have a good life, but it will take limiting their musical pursuits. I have one friend who is a union electrician, I believe he is an inside wireman. He has had a good paying, continuous job for several years and because of that his band doesn't play as much as it used to.

[Ashlee T.]

Some musicians balance things to have a good life, but it will take limiting their musical pursuits. I have one friend who is a union electrician, I believe he is an inside wireman. He has had a good paying, continuous job for several years and because of that his band doesn't play as much as it used to.

I guess I just think if he's going to have to work a day job regardless, why not work one that pays? If he can still pursue his music with his current job, then he could still pursue it with a higher paying job (as long as it wasn't one that required constant overtime.

His band got nominated for a contest in a local magazine. If they win they get featured in a publication in Texas. My bf has posted it twice to get votes, I've posted it twice, his mother has posted it..... his bandmate hasn't posted it at all. His bandmate says things like "I'm in music, not in advertising/promotion." How can you be a successful musician in a totally saturated market if you're not willing to promote yourself? But that's the thing.......he promotes himself he just doesn't promote the band.

[macon]

Hi Beautiful,

You love your boyfriend because he is who he is, but seems like you also want the benefits you'd have if he were someone else. A creative man so young: it's very unlikely he'll be anyone other than exactly who he is right now for quite a while. Your suggestions to look at what feel to you like better life choices don't make sense to a man that young. Or if they do they're only be about you, your agenda for him. I'm sure you see where this is going.

I'm really happy for you. You've reached an age where you can look around and see what's valuable in life, yet you still have the energy and sparkle to appeal to a young man in the early fury of his creative life. Clearly you're someone special; what you have within you is precious in itself. You're having an experience many people, men and women, would love to have but don't have the courage--or craziness--to reach for.

Will it work out for the two of you? No telling. You too are young. As Dream pointed out, people go through stages, and time remains in your life for many more. You and your boyfriend are on a roller coaster no one can see the end of. The ride is everything.

An artist in his early twenties: enjoy him. There's nothing else you can do.

Macon

[Ashlee T.]

macon - You're right for sure in some ways. Because I am older (and wiser...I might add...lol), I see things he doesn't see. I totally understand that and want him to have HIS journey. But I don't want him to fool himself. If he's sitting back waiting for his band to be discovered while his bandmate isn't lifting a finger and while he's sitting back waiting in his bandmates shadow, then he must reevaluate his path. Doesn't mean give up on his dreams. He's still so young he has time to really pursue ANYTHING he wants, but in order for me to support it long term there has to be a realistic path.

While I must make concessions because of his age, he must also make concessions because of mine. At 30+, I don't have time to wait 10 years for someone to be an independent adult. So, there has to be some meeting in the middle. Right now, I am dating a guy who cannot afford to live with me because he can't afford to contribute to any bills and so he lives with his parents. I've been very understaanding of that. I am already making big concessions because of his age. But he's working a job every day, so why not pursue one that pays enough to allow you to live independently???

I don't want him to be someone else. I would love nothing more than to see him find success in his music career. I just want him to make smart decisions and big effort to succeed and find stability in whatever it is he does. I want to see him with a "back up plan" to support himself until he reaches that success.

Since my last post, I have seen him making some positive moves. He's done quite a bit of job searching (for a better paying day job). He created himself a musician website independent of his band as a result of us talking about how he needs to self promote. He has been reaching out to successful musicians seeking advice and even went out the other night to an event to mingle with some people in the industry. It has made me feel good to see some movement. A little less talk and a lot more action, is what I'm looking for.

[amy40]

macon -He's done quite a bit of job searching (for a better paying day job). He created himself a musician website independent of his band as a result of us talking about how he needs to self promote. He has been reaching out to successful musicians seeking advice and even went out the other night to an event to mingle with some people in the industry. It has made me feel good to see some movement. A little less talk and a lot more action, is what I'm looking for.

Great, he's making so many positive steps! Wondering why he wasn't doing any of above before?

[macon]

Hi Beautiful,

I don't know how to say this, so I'll just say it: The way you talk about your boyfriend feels parental to me. The phrase "smart decisions" really stood out. Parents have a right to know better than their children and tell them. No one else has that right in relation to anyone else. Your boyfriend will or won't negotiate the processes of adult and career development. If you want a relationship of equals, there's nothing you can do but love him.

Don't underestimate the power of your love. Women are generally better at love and have more to give than men do, which is unfair but there it is. The benefit you can hope for is seeing your man grow in strength and learn more and more how to love you back. The only way you and he can meet in the middle is if he keeps up the good work and you love him silently while he does that.

Offering wisdom, advice, direction unasked: these can only cause problems, which may not show up for a long time. If he asks you on his own for your views on things, one or two limited points would be an excellent response. But DO NOT underestimate the power of your love. You clearly have it in abundance. Give every ounce of it all the time.

Macon

[amy40]

I don't know how to say this, so I'll just say it: The way you talk about your boyfriend feels parental to me.
Don't underestimate the power of your love. Women are generally better at love and have more to give than men do, which is unfair but there it is.

Most women do have the "nurture" in them which is helpful for raising kids.