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How do I support his dreams, while also keeping him in reality?

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  • Hi Beautiful,

    You love your boyfriend because he is who he is, but seems like you also want the benefits you'd have if he were someone else. A creative man so young: it's very unlikely he'll be anyone other than exactly who he is right now for quite a while. Your suggestions to look at what feel to you like better life choices don't make sense to a man that young. Or if they do they're only be about you, your agenda for him. I'm sure you see where this is going.

    I'm really happy for you. You've reached an age where you can look around and see what's valuable in life, yet you still have the energy and sparkle to appeal to a young man in the early fury of his creative life. Clearly you're someone special; what you have within you is precious in itself. You're having an experience many people, men and women, would love to have but don't have the courage--or craziness--to reach for.

    Will it work out for the two of you? No telling. You too are young. As Dream pointed out, people go through stages, and time remains in your life for many more. You and your boyfriend are on a roller coaster no one can see the end of. The ride is everything.

    An artist in his early twenties: enjoy him. There's nothing else you can do.

    Macon
    ______________________

    Give all your love now. For all we know we might be dead by tomorrow.

    Comment


    • macon - You're right for sure in some ways. Because I am older (and wiser...I might add...lol), I see things he doesn't see. I totally understand that and want him to have HIS journey. But I don't want him to fool himself. If he's sitting back waiting for his band to be discovered while his bandmate isn't lifting a finger and while he's sitting back waiting in his bandmates shadow, then he must reevaluate his path. Doesn't mean give up on his dreams. He's still so young he has time to really pursue ANYTHING he wants, but in order for me to support it long term there has to be a realistic path.

      While I must make concessions because of his age, he must also make concessions because of mine. At 30+, I don't have time to wait 10 years for someone to be an independent adult. So, there has to be some meeting in the middle. Right now, I am dating a guy who cannot afford to live with me because he can't afford to contribute to any bills and so he lives with his parents. I've been very understaanding of that. I am already making big concessions because of his age. But he's working a job every day, so why not pursue one that pays enough to allow you to live independently???

      I don't want him to be someone else. I would love nothing more than to see him find success in his music career. I just want him to make smart decisions and big effort to succeed and find stability in whatever it is he does. I want to see him with a "back up plan" to support himself until he reaches that success.

      Since my last post, I have seen him making some positive moves. He's done quite a bit of job searching (for a better paying day job). He created himself a musician website independent of his band as a result of us talking about how he needs to self promote. He has been reaching out to successful musicians seeking advice and even went out the other night to an event to mingle with some people in the industry. It has made me feel good to see some movement. A little less talk and a lot more action, is what I'm looking for.
      "Be what you're looking for."

      Comment


      • Originally posted by Beautiful Disaster
        macon -He's done quite a bit of job searching (for a better paying day job). He created himself a musician website independent of his band as a result of us talking about how he needs to self promote. He has been reaching out to successful musicians seeking advice and even went out the other night to an event to mingle with some people in the industry. It has made me feel good to see some movement. A little less talk and a lot more action, is what I'm looking for.
        Great, he's making so many positive steps! Wondering why he wasn't doing any of above before?

        Comment


        • Hi Beautiful,

          I don't know how to say this, so I'll just say it: The way you talk about your boyfriend feels parental to me. The phrase "smart decisions" really stood out. Parents have a right to know better than their children and tell them. No one else has that right in relation to anyone else. Your boyfriend will or won't negotiate the processes of adult and career development. If you want a relationship of equals, there's nothing you can do but love him.

          Don't underestimate the power of your love. Women are generally better at love and have more to give than men do, which is unfair but there it is. The benefit you can hope for is seeing your man grow in strength and learn more and more how to love you back. The only way you and he can meet in the middle is if he keeps up the good work and you love him silently while he does that.

          Offering wisdom, advice, direction unasked: these can only cause problems, which may not show up for a long time. If he asks you on his own for your views on things, one or two limited points would be an excellent response. But DO NOT underestimate the power of your love. You clearly have it in abundance. Give every ounce of it all the time.

          Macon
          ______________________

          Give all your love now. For all we know we might be dead by tomorrow.

          Comment


          • Originally posted by macon
            I don't know how to say this, so I'll just say it: The way you talk about your boyfriend feels parental to me.
            Don't underestimate the power of your love. Women are generally better at love and have more to give than men do, which is unfair but there it is.
            Most women do have the "nurture" in them which is helpful for raising kids.

            Comment


            • Thanks Macon. I don't offer advice to him without him first asking for my opinion or advice. Most often I just listen and remain quiet until he says...."I want to know what you think...". Then I try to find a way to nicely tell him or say it to him in a way that lets him derive that conclusion on his own. I definitely don't WANT to sound parental to him. I guess, to you, it sounds that way because you are aware of the age difference. But truthfully, I would say the same thing about a guy older than me if he were making "not so smart" decisions, especially financially. Before this guy, I dated someone 12 years older than me, and I often didn't think he made smart decisions. But in this case, because of the age difference (where I'm the older one now!), I do have to be careful with my wording. I can't act like a 20 year old, because I'm not. I don't expect him to act like a 30 year old, because he's not.

              amy40 - I think he's been really struggling with knowing what steps are worthy of taking and what steps are a waste of time.
              "Be what you're looking for."

              Comment


              • Well, it seems that this isn't a deal breaker for you. Not yet anyway.

                I think we have to just accept a man where they are, and not anticipate major changes. The 32 yr old is off my radar because I decided that I would be struggling with his choices, and likely not trust him easily for quite some time.

                I think if you're not bothered enough to call it quits now, decide at what point you would be. A year? 2 yrs?
                The more involved and attached we become, the harder to let go. Another reason why it's so important to date someone who is what we could already be content with over years. That said, people also change toward the dark side, as my ex-husband did.
                My fear is that your guy is doing this for you, not for himself. It may not be readily obvious through the course of conversation, but I do think it's a possibility here.

                Comment


                • atskitty2 - I dunno. He's been really frustrated and unhappy with his music career now for quite some time. I've sort of been quietly watching it unfold. I don't think it has anything to do with our relationship. Obviously now, I'm involved and it's easier sometimes for someone on the outside to see things more clearly. His goals and what he's willing to do to achieve them do not match up with his band mates goals and what he's willing to do to achieve them. He's needed to have a talk with his bandmate about this for a long time now, and finally did last night. It went pretty much as I (silently) expected. Band mate says band isn't achieving success and therefore it's not his top priority. Bandmate also tried to do this "well it's not my top priority because it isn't yours" thing, which really irritates me because I've watched my bf put that band (and specifically, his bandmate) before EVERYTHING. He gave up a full ride to college to pursue a music career with his bandmate. I've seen him miss important family functions, miss trips, and I've definitely seen him put his responsibility to the band before me (even though he does so nicely and tries to also make me feel important). I've watched him put off pursuing a stable career because he wanted his band to succeed. It really irks me that his bandmate said that to him.

                  It also bugs me that I've been watching him go through this now for months, watching his bandmate make NO effort for the band now for months, and it took my bf initiating a conversation with him for him to tell him the band isn't a priority for him anymore. I guess I'm hurt for my bf over it. In addition to bandmates, they've been close friends for quite a few years now. Hurts my feelings for him.

                  I have faith in the bf. I'm just a super realist and I know how hard it is to make it in the music industry. Sometimes one has to be willing to redirect their path a bit. I think he's coming to that.....nature sort of taking it's course. I know that early 20's are a really touchy place in life......lots of insecurities and doubts about what is the right direction to head. I don't want him to head in MY direction, but I do want him to have A direction. I think he'll get there. He's trying and has the want.
                  "Be what you're looking for."

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by Beautiful Disaster
                    He gave up a full ride to college to pursue a music career with his bandmate.
                    Dont know if source was a college, relative, or other. Is there any way for him to get the money, again?

                    good bf had talk with bandmate, must have been tough to hear but surely he suspected band wasn't a priority due to guy's actions/inactions

                    Comment


                    • It's interesting he gave up so much to pursue music.
                      And will be interesting to see what he chooses to do with this information out in the open with his partner. Glad it is finally out in the open.

                      Comment


                      • I'm glad too. I find myself super frustrated by it all. He told me last night that now on Sunday nights he will be going to his "band mates" house to write. So now, it's about writing music not the band. Because writing is what his band mate is into now. Sunday nights are one of usually two nights a week we get together. His band mate is the only one of us who doesn't have a job, who has his entire week to schedule as he chooses, but Sunday nights are the ONLY nights he can write music with my bf. I'm quite irritated by it.

                        His band mate also brought up the ONE time we had something planned on a weekend, we had it planned a month in advance, then a gig opportunity popped up the day before we were leaving. Just a small, local, low paying gig. He used that as an example of how my bf doesn't make the band his top priority. All the while, all this time I've been sitting back seeing this guy make zero effort for the band.

                        I'm feeling pretty flustered by it all at the moment.
                        "Be what you're looking for."

                        Comment


                        • Originally posted by Beautiful Disaster
                          Sunday nights are one of usually two nights a week we get together. His band mate is the only one of us who doesn't have a job, who has his entire week to schedule as he chooses, but Sunday nights are the ONLY nights he can write music with my bf.
                          does the bandmate not like you cause this seems passive aggressive to take away one of your date nights
                          dont believe the bandmate can't write during the week, Sunday seems an odd day to pick to write as Sunday is a family day for most people

                          Comment


                          • Did you point this out to the bf? That this choice means 1 night per week together?
                            I think that his agreeing to it, alone , would be reason enough for me to start backing off. He may not have realized that it removed a chunk of time with you, but this points to you not being priority for him.
                            That just wouldn't settle well with me at all.

                            It is still a new relationship, so maybe I expect too much, idk. Maybe he tried to schedule another night, but couldn't?

                            Comment


                            • At one time they agreed to band rehearsals on Sunday night and Wednesday night. Bf talked him into late Sunday 8pm so he'd have the whole day with me. But even then, it made me mad and he knew it. Band mate ended up cancelling most of the time anyway. Now that the band isn't priority, they're saying Sunday night will be writing time, not band rehearsal anymore. Band mate says he can't do it any other night. I kind of feel sorry for bf in it, because he WANTS to succeed so badly that he's afraid not to take every opportunity that comes his way. But I also totally believe that he WANTS to be with me on Sunday nights.


                              I don't think band mate dislikes me. I just think he's selfish. He has other writing appointments and session work he schedules during the week and he prioritizes those things. My guess is they will still have "rehearsals" on Wed nights, but we will see. It's going to make me pretty mad if they don't.

                              "Be what you're looking for."

                              Comment


                              • Originally posted by Beautiful Disaster
                                At My guess is they will still have "rehearsals" on Wed nights, but we will see.
                                so rehearsals will be down to only 1day/wk?

                                saw a video this week of college girl who practices her instrument 4-5 hrs /day
                                thought that seemed a lot but she wants to have studio/teach one day and maybe be in orchestra

                                Comment

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